All posts by MattCoyne

  • Facebook Posts

    1 day ago

    Man vs Baby

    Me and Lyns went out to a gig last night.. overnight in fact.. just us, child-free. (It was in Manchester where we both went to uni.. and we were going to tear the place up like we used to). The thing is... since having Charlie, I suspect we may not be as hardcore as we once were. On arrival at our hotel we realised that we were in the heart of the action surrounded by cocktail and shots bars.. and I said to Lyns right!? We can do whatever we want, whatever debauchery and hedonism captures our imagination .. what do you want to do..?? to which she replied.. ‘well, let’s nip to Tesco Express and get some semi-skimmed that way in the morning we can have a decent cuppa.’

    We then agreed that we would smash the shit out of the cocktail hour at the bar across the road... just as soon as we’d had a short nap.

    We then walked to the gig chatting about how cold some of these youngsters must be in their outfits. And the fact that I’d still not done my VAT return for this quarter.

    And then after the gig we tried to find a pub in which you could sit down and chat, but because it was Saturday night and not everybody has the same approach to a night out as Granddad and Grandma Coyne we couldn’t find one so headed back to the hotel and were in bed by 11.30.. watching a re-run of Tipping Point and sharing a grab bag of wheat crunchies.

    We were asleep by 11.32. And if all that wasn’t hardcore enough. The last thing I said to Lyns before I crashed out was we’ve still got most of tomorrow what do you want to do? How do you want to smash the shit out of tomorrow..? her response: .. ‘Well as were driving in I saw a massive Home Bargains we could go there..’ so we did.

    Banging. 😂
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Me and Lyns went out to a gig last night.. overnight in fact.. just us, child-free.  (It was in Manchester where we both went to uni.. and we were going to tear the place up like we used to).  The thing is... since having Charlie, I suspect we may not be as hardcore as we once were.  On arrival at our hotel we realised that we were in the heart of the action surrounded by cocktail and shots bars.. and I said to Lyns right!? We can do whatever we want, whatever debauchery and hedonism captures our imagination .. what do you want to do..?? to which she replied.. ‘well, let’s nip to Tesco Express and get some semi-skimmed that way in the morning  we can have a decent cuppa.’

We then agreed that we would smash the shit out of the cocktail hour at the bar across the road...  just as soon as we’d had a short nap.  

We then walked to the gig chatting about how cold some of these youngsters must be in their outfits.  And the fact that I’d still not done my VAT return for this quarter.  

And then after the gig we tried to find a pub in which you could sit down and chat, but because it was Saturday night and not everybody has the same approach to a night out as Granddad and Grandma Coyne we couldn’t find one so headed back to the hotel and were in bed by 11.30.. watching a re-run of Tipping Point and sharing a grab bag of wheat crunchies.  

We were asleep by 11.32.  And if all that wasn’t hardcore enough.  The last thing I said to Lyns before I crashed out was we’ve still got most of tomorrow what do you want to do?  How do you want to smash the shit out of tomorrow..? her response: .. ‘Well as were driving in I saw a massive Home Bargains we could go there..’ so we did.   

Banging. 😂

     

    Comment on Facebook

    So a meal out last night at 17.30, turned into 03.00 taxi home for Lorna and I. We both have hangovers 🤮🤮🤢🤢from hell today. Note to self; I am in my 40’s, acting like 20 something is not cool. Dancing like Carlton doesn’t help you back problem, and is not cool. Getting asked to leave the casino is not cool Asking you better half’s dad to stop the car, and throwing up at side of road is not cool From now on Lorna Richardson we do meal and cinema on our nights off from the kids 👍👍

    If someone would take my 1yo and 3yo overnight I'd smash the shit out of going to sleep!

    Last year, me and the hubby took our wedding anniversary off work (the little one still went to nursery) just so we could tidy up and sort out the garden! 😂🥳 #wild

    You didn’t mention still bloody waking up at the crack of dawn because our body clocks are so fucked 😬

    Go wild next time... visit The Range and Dunelm too.

    We have an overnighter planned next weekend as a mini jolly before baby no. 2 is due in March. We’ve already agreed it would be sensible to eat in the hotel’s restaurant rather than farting about deciding on somewhere else to eat in the town; that we’ll pop to a shop en route to buy some biscuits for the room; and to take some cards so we can have a game of ‘hundreds up’ after dinner whilst scoffing aforementioned biscuits on the bed, with the telly on. And I’m very excited about all of the above! 🙌🏾😂

    Last week my sister and brother in law looked after our 4 month old and 6 year old over night. I booked an expensive hotel suite and we never left the room from check in to check out. Room service, laughs, alcohol and a disruption free nights sleep. Wish we could do it every month 😂

    We defrosted the freezer last time 😂🤘🏻

    Me and my hubby were there too, I think we're just a bit in front of you! We were also hard core, bought two bottles of water at the bar and complained to each other how expensive it was and expressed our disappointment at the confiscation of the lids 😁 danced all night though and got to go the toilet alone, so fab night! 👍

    Aj Graham 😂 I think this is exactly us too!! Not sure about going to sleep at 11.32 though - seems a bit late!! 😂 Xx

    The Tesco Express plan for fresh milk was inspired.....I’d have done the same myself.

    But who did you go and see? 🙂

    Hahahhah. Sounds like a child-free night in our house! Our first child free night we drank waaaay too much and vomited for an hour when we got home. Then there was the crushing hangover the next day while a toodler talks to you in the loudest voice in the world and sings all the songs he has ever learned. It's fair to say we have far more sedate child-free nights now! 😂

    We went out out for my birthday last year, gig finished at 10.30! We were so happy 😂 the band were excellent but you know 11pm is late!

    Read this out loud to hubby! We are just to tired to socialise these days (or it is too cold and generally can’t be arsed) 😂😂

    Bet you made the bed as well..

    Went to Cardiff for my birthday a few years back. Think we went to 2 clubs, moaned about the noise. Trip to tesco on the way back for ice cream and asleep by 11pm.

    “And the fact I’d still not done my VAT return for this quarter.” The bookkeeper in me is dying 😂😂😂👌🏻

    Rachel, this sounds like our kind of night out! Only we would never buy semi skimmed milk without some chocolate hobnobs for after the gig.

    Luke Harreld my birthday night out! Less the home bargains but that would have been the icing on the cake for me 😂

    You SHARED a grab bag of Wheat Crunchies ..... what kind ofcrazy shit is that?!!!😮

    Sorry, touched the angry emoji by mistake. Apologies- love the posts.

    😮 Where did you get Wheat Crunchies from? I’ve not seen those for years. A grab bag of Worcester Sauce ones would make a perfect night in!

    It’s post-child adult life. Getting hammered no longer seems as appealing as relaxing with your feet up. Hell, nothing seems as appealing... at a certain point you realise that you just don’t give a fuck about being ‘out out’ the way you used to.

    We had a babysitter all booked and planned on going out for a lovely meal and a few drinks. On the day however, we ended up deciding to go to BBQ shopping, child free and it was well worth getting a sitter in .... totally banging night 😊

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    4 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..Just in case you’re wondering how my 3 year old son just reacted to some other kid pushing the button in a bloody lift. ... See MoreSee Less

    ..Just in case you’re wondering how my 3 year old son just reacted to some other kid pushing the button in a bloody lift.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Tried to swap a toy in McDonald’s the other day. The bloke who served me asked if it really made that much difference. I said it could be the difference between a good weekend and a total meltdown. He looked so confused. Obviously not got kids yet.

    Up to the age of about three, our son’s weapon of choice for expressing his displeasure was to bang his forehead on the nearest hard surface, usually the floor. Living in a warm country where most places are tiled this was easy to do and meant he often looked like the victim of child abuse. His crowning moment was in a very busy shopping centre. We had stopped for coffee and for some reason (I forget what, but probably that he didn’t get the chair he wanted) the fuse was lit and he wandered out into the middle of the throng, knelt down and started bashing his head on the floor. As he had wandered far enough away from us for it not to be obvious that we were the parents we just let him get on with it and watched as the shoppers looked at him with a mixture of shock and amusement as they walked around and stepped over him. Clearly this approach worked as he gradually came to the realisation that his chosen methodology of punishing us for his indignation hurt him more than us. The day that he started to crouch down, noticed that there was a carpet nearby and moved over to that, we knew we had won.

    My son shouted ‘No! Not yours! That’s very naughty!’ at a sensible-looking gentleman in a suit who dared to press the button for another floor in the lift we were in! He spent the whole ride glaring at the poor man and telling him to get out 😳😳😳🙈

    Yup. And the button at the crossing. And me buttering her toast. And me putting her milk in the microwave for her. And stirring the nesquik into her milk. And yet when you ask them to pick up their toys....

    I accidentally pushed the button just as a little boy came up with his mum. He looked crushed and when his mum said 'it's ok, you can push it when we come down' he said 'ok' really bravely while his bottom lip trembled. I felt like the lowest of the low!

    In the middle of a soft play emergency with toddler 2, I was forced to abandon toddler 1 mid-poo in the toilets. A lovely friend rescued him, did the honours, then....flushed the toilet. Cue Armageddon - in my panic at toddler 2 being wedged sideways through the arm of a chair, I'd forgotten to warn her that the flush was out of bounds for grownups 🙄

    This looks like actual footage of my two year old when I refused to buy him a dog chew in pets at home earlier!!! I’m so bloody unreasonable!!

    I asked my son if he wanted his toast cut into triangles, squares, big soldiers or little soldiers. After 5 minutes of meltdown turns out I chose the wrong plate and it was ‘cold’

    I have a 2 & 3 year old, I brace myself everytime we need to get in a lift or enter a family room, they both scream my turn and no amount of reasoning or bargaining helps! When I was pregnant with the second I saw a women with 2 girls about 7/8 and they were still arguing over it and I’m not sure I can make it that many years 🙈🙈

    I love the smell of batshit in the morning

    For all my children this has always been the reaction to the babybel breaking in half as it gets prised out the red casing.

    I accidentally pushed the button for the crossing on the first day back to nursery after Christmas..... 😖

    When my daughter is denied MORE food...😂😂

    The position adopted by my daughter when it's time to get into the car seat 😂💺

    I do wonder how the feck I survive on a daily basis..Volcano eruptions,godzilla mode,shopping excorcist and don't forget the frozen dead 😂😂

    I got on an elevator last week with a little girl. She gave me the evil eye the entire time we were waiting. When I got on, I was too scared to push the button.

    My 2 year old this morning when I had the audacity to give her her breakfast in a green bowl and not the orange 1 that she didn't ask for 🤦‍♀️

    When I don’t let my 4 year old enter my PIN at any cash point 😂😂😂😂

    My four year old does this... She's been known to shove kids out the way 🤦

    This is my 2 year old, when the cleaner at his nursery puts Henry Hoover back in the store cupboard! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

    It’s such a huge decision to have children ... but on days like this - not so much - it’s just how do you tell them .... 😄 x

    Mine did this the other Saturday in Tesco when I said I couldn’t but a lunchable thing for her 🤦🏻‍♀️ bought it to keep quiet she opened it & refused to eat it as it was nasty 🤷🏼‍♀️

    What is it with kids and buttons? My 3yr old goes through every toy in the toy shop asking ‘Mummy, what does that button do?’ And he doesn’t believe me when I tell him it’s a sticker or just the way the plastic is moulded. Every button must be pushed.

    My nearly 4 year old at just about anything at the moment! Especially when her friend at nursery puts her attendance peg in the wrong place!! 🙄

    Similar to Haydn's reaction when I accidentally popped his "sausage roll doggy" balloon, Hayley, Andy, Warren, Averil 🤣🤣🤣

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    6 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    I’m honestly starting to think Lyns has gone on their website and just clicked a button to order one of each. The thing is it’s... oh.. wait.. hang on a minute, that’s the door... ‘Eh up Mart!’ ... See MoreSee Less

    I’m honestly starting to think Lyns has gone on their website and just clicked a button to order one of each.  The thing is it’s... oh.. wait.. hang on a minute, that’s the door... ‘Eh up Mart!’

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Ha, our DHL guy actually whispered when he delivered our parcel yesterday because he knew it was our little girl's nap time!

    😊😂 Absolutely me too! Our DPD delivery driver Ian waves and says hello now even if I see him whilst I'm out and about! 🤭

    My OH once got personally addressed xmas cards from the bookies, the local taxi firm and the Chinese takeaway. 😆

    My postman who was also my mums came to her funeral... I didn't invite him but he had gone to her house saw curtains closed then on his rounds on the day... Came along to pay his condolences.... Needless to say 5 yearsater he delivers his own card from me xx

    I picked up that many parcels for my sister from our local shop while she’s at work, that they call me nicola, and I’ve never corrected them! It’s been 2 years. I’ll forever be Nicola to them 🤣🤣🤣

    I’m on maternity leave for the second time and the delivery driver said “awww you’ve had another boy” without me saying anything 😂 best mates!!

    After deliveries every day for a few weeks I went cold turkey on Amazon, lasted about a week then I ordered again, when Dan returned I bounded to the door, flung it open and said ‘HI DAN, bet you’ve missed me haven’t you’.....? Dan said ‘huuurrrrrr, urrrrrrr, haha, urrrrmmm...no’ cheers Dan, really know how to make a girl feel special 👍🏻

    I order stuff when my husband keeps me awake with his snoring, funny enough he's now trying very hard not to snore😁

    I’m shocked they hang around long enough to chat. Ours bungs our parcels behind the wheelie bin and vanishes (even if I’m home!)

    😬 I have to admit, my delivery man does call me by my first name now!

    Ian McGregor,you, all year round. Delivery lady- "I love coming here, your doorbell is my favourite"....

    My bestie’s toddlers were on 1st name terms with ALL the takeaway delivery guys!

    I may have went slightly overboard with sale purchases.... every day for the last week the courier guy has been, the other day he said to my husband, 'is she already buying for this Christmas? ' 🤣🤣

    This is the DPD man for me - wife is a nurse, kids are similar ages to mine 😂 My husband has an Amazon addiction, plus I work from home, so he knows I'm happy to take parcels in for the neighbours. And the only conversation I get sometimes is the toddler, so it's a welcome alternative!

    My husband is a retired mail carrier. He had the same route for 30 years. The people on his route loved him I've met several most of who have now passed. But they were such lovely people

    Added up the cost of my 2018 Amazon addiction 😮, embargo now in place, not going well, current order total = £190 (just 16 days into year) ... on track for a 4k 2019 Amazon habit lol

    Ah, yes. I even got a hug from our Hermes courier when I wished him Merry Christmas. We're on such good terms that my husband calls him my "courier fwend" 😁

    I was actually contemplating asking our Australia Post delivery guy to our family Xmas dinner. Lovely guy with the biggest smile and booming voice. He’d wave at me even when he saw me out!!

    Your Amazon man sounds like my postman,who plays in a band and doesn't like spending New Year's eve in pubs but enjoys a good curry from the local curry house.

    It’s nice that we are giving the lads in reception a chance to make new friends Linda O'Connor, Emma Wray & Sinéad Leahy!

    What a load of rubbish- Avengers is a great film!! Emma Berwick

    Daisy Maryon this reminded me of our true love Arial the DPD man! 😂 Some non-Arial stranger turned up with my parcel yesterday, I was not impressed!

    My postie is lovely! He’s the only person my kids know they can answer the door to without shouting for me!

    I have the best postman! Give him cake every now and then when I bake. He looks after me! No crude jokes!!!! 😉

    You better add him to the Christmas card list this year!

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK...

    Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap.
    And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a good thing to reduce the risk of children running around the modern busy car park like its fucking Chessington World Of Adventures.

    I realise for some this is complicated..
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    1. "Rubbish, we didn't have parent and baby spaces back in my day... "
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    ...This is an odd point of view given that that argument can also be made for antibiotics, women's voting rights, the combustion engine, indoor plumbing, space travel, Luther, opposable thumbs, monster munch and shoes.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Oh yeah, and the internet.. a place where you can share your shit opinion and have it demolished by anyone whose brain receives oxygen.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    2. "But, in my day, we managed.."

    ...I'm sure you did, when cars were fewer, cars were smaller, spaces were larger, and you could get a bottle of ginger beer and a caramac and still have half a crown left to buy some johnnies. Look, times have changed. Not least because we now have something called 'Health and Safety' which means Isofix, and car-seats the size of a fucking armchair.

    So you can be nostalgic for the good old days, when your children didn't even have to wear seatbelts, but those days are gone.. It's partly the reason why there are more of these kids making it to adulthood, actually, Barbara.

    3. "But disabled spaces are more important".
    Yes. Of course they are. Nobody is saying otherwise. But its not either/or is it?

    4. "Why should those who 'breed' get benefits that I don't. Whinge whinge. etc."
    Look,.. people have all kinds of benefits that you don't.. low blood pressure and some fucking empathy for a start.
    And.. even if you don't have kids the chances are you were one once. It's True. Two people in the dim past made the monumental mistake of combining their DNA and creating someone as selfish and small-minded as you. So stop being a cock about something that keeps the next generation a little bit safer and maybe, god forbid, makes someone else's day a little bit easier. Because, it doesn't really affect you does it, you massive dick.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Hope that clears that up... Now can we all just get along?
    ... See MoreSee Less

    This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay,   ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK...

Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap.
And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a good thing to reduce the risk of children running around the modern busy car park like its fucking Chessington World Of Adventures.

I realise for some this is complicated..
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
1. Rubbish, we didnt have parent and baby spaces back in my day... 
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
...This is an odd point of view given that that argument can also be made for antibiotics, womens voting rights, the combustion engine, indoor plumbing, space travel, Luther, opposable thumbs, monster munch and shoes.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Oh yeah, and the internet.. a place where you can share your shit opinion and have it demolished by anyone whose brain receives oxygen.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
2. But, in my day, we managed..

...Im sure you did, when cars were fewer, cars were smaller, spaces were larger, and you could get a bottle of ginger beer and a caramac and still have half a crown left to buy some johnnies. Look, times have changed.   Not least because we now have something called Health and Safety  which means Isofix, and car-seats the size of a fucking armchair.

So you can be nostalgic for the good old days, when your children didnt even have to wear seatbelts, but those days are gone.. Its partly the reason why there are more of these kids making it to adulthood, actually, Barbara.

3. But disabled spaces are more important.  
Yes.  Of course they are.   Nobody is saying otherwise. But its not either/or is it? 

 4. Why should those who breed get benefits that I dont.  Whinge whinge. etc.  
Look,.. people have all kinds of benefits that you dont.. low blood pressure and some fucking empathy for a start.  
And.. even if you dont have kids the chances are you were one once.  Its True.  Two people in the dim past made the monumental mistake of combining their DNA and creating someone as selfish and small-minded as you.  So stop being a cock about something that keeps the next generation a little bit safer and maybe, god forbid, makes someone elses day a little bit easier. Because, it doesnt really affect you does it, you massive dick.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Hope that clears that up... Now can we all just get along?

     

    Comment on Facebook

    When my daughter was four weeks old. I went shopping and this complete nob with no children parked in the last parent and child space. So I pulled up behind him and told him politely as I could that it was a parent and child space and please could he move to another space as it's was snowing and I had a four week old baby. Anyway this nob told me to f##k off. Right I thought I will show you. So I blocked Him in, my number plate was announced over the speaker but I thought you can shit pal. My baby was due another feed so I packed the shopping up and went to the cafe fed her. Got back to the car the security guard was there and so was the nob head. He started shouting so I put my baby in the car and unpacked my bags item by item into the boot, he was screaming he was going to be late meeting his Mrs at the cinema. I turned smiled and said I have had three hours sleep. My nipples feel like shards of glass are firing out of them. I can't shit properly and my fanny looks like a double decker bus has tried to enter it, so I couldn't give a flying fuck if your late for the cinema. Never ever cross a mummy with a newborn 😂😂😂😂

    I'm a self employed single parent, my only mode of transport is my work van. I pulled into 1 of these spots just before Xmas and some delightful lady pulled up as I was getting out and launched into a full on tirade on how she could never get a space through "fu@#in van drivers taking the p@*ss" by the time she was done ranting my daughter had shuffled over to my side and climbed out, I said "how stupid do you feel now" she just snorted "what sort of bloke drives a kid round in a van?" And drove off!! I'll tell you what sort, the sort that does the school run then grafts his arse off all day in time to pick her back up, the sort that has every tool under the sun in the back of the van so the shopping has to go on the spare seat in the front, the sort that stays up till midnight preparing tomorrow's tea in case he has to work late and pay a bloody fortune for after school care!! People are so judgemental, especially given the fact her giant gas guzzling people carrier isn't a kick in the arse off the size of my van anyway!!

    In all honestly, I would happily park in the furthest parking space from the shop front doors and walk my entire week's shop in bags across the car park if I meant I could go shopping in peace without the kids 😂

    I read this story somewhere that this person starts screaming “your baby, your baby you forgot your baby in the car” when they see someone walk off from their car when they’ve parked in a child and parent space with no child in tow! 😂

    How can people be so angry on a full night's sleep?

    Not being funny, but parents don’t actually WANT to take kids shopping. It is, in probability, as close to hell as you’ll get. Let us have the spaces, dear Lord, just let us have the spaces.

    With 4 kids at home I spend about 80% of my salary in asda. I'm not happy with a parent and child space, I want one with my fucking name on it.

    My 6 year old booted the door open with her foot once or twice, luckily the childless couples BMW next door stopped it opening too wide and breaking my kneecaps.

    👏👏👏 it's never been about the location of the spaces it's about having the door width to stand and pin down an angry juggernaut who doesn't want to be strapped in

    When my daughter was about 3 months old I had to park in a “normal” space. When I got back to my car the cars either side were so close I physically couldn’t get her car seat in through the gap. I was in tears as thought I would have squeeze myself in through the small gap, to either leave my baby in her car seat on the pavement to pull out far enough to get her in, or ask a stranger to either move my car or look after my child - not ideal either way as you have to be careful who you trust!!Thankfully someone I knew happened to be passing, she had my little one while I moved the car out, but this is the reality “selfish, privileged, entitled parents” face from those “non-selfish, non-entitled, non-parents”. I’m a bit wound up about this, can you tell 😂😂

    ♿👶👨‍👩‍👧 I'm both a wheelchair user and a parent to a two year old, I've got my pick of the car park! Jealous?! If only I had a car! 😂 x

    It would save a few arguments if they put a parent toddler space either side of each trolley park, rather than near the door. You could grab a trolley, pop kids in and away you go. Likewise you don't have to leave them to take the trolley back.

    It’s simple folks. The argument isn’t that there should or shouldn’t be kid spaces. It’s the fact that others are less “privileged” for not having kids. Supermarket car parks should be laid out thusly in order to stop the complaining. 1. Closest to the door, tiny 3/4 size spaces. For eco vegan/vegetarian drivers in smarts and geewhizz. They don’t eat meat = less energy to walk to the door. Furthermore they drive tiny electric cars and hence forth, are more entitled to be alive. 2. Snowflakes. God forbid they should have to walk / be less entitled / not be considered more important than everyone else. I accept that there may be some cross over between 1+2. 3. Normals. Basically, all the folk in the post that drive BMW and Ford Focus, and said “in my day” or why am I not entitled. Again cross over between 2 + 3 is expected. 4. Disabled bays. They are after all less important that 1,2, and 3, certain the eyes of 1, 2 and 3 anyway. 5, the elderly. They are slow and moving them away from the doors will give them plenty of time to meet up with friends and complain about everything before they get into the shop, reducing the risk of random meetings in the middle of aisles. 5. Parents, veterans, emergency service workers. They all are/were doing something that no one asked them to do for their own reasons and hence forth, despite ensuring the continuation, safety and security of the country should be less entitled. 6. Politicians. Might be good for them to meet real people as they go about their day. At the very least they would have to walk past a few on the way back to car.

    I refrain but I’m really tempted to leave something on their windscreens... like an afterbirth. That would be a bugger to wipe off.

    I'd be happier if parent and child spaces were at the opposite end of the car park as long as there was a safe pavement to walk to the store. At least that way I'd be able to park. Some local stores do this and it's great. I just want to be able to safely get my daughter in and out of the car.

    All these moaners that don’t have kids/have grown up kids probably get a full nights kip, a leisurely dinner and not have to watch bastard Tumble on a loop...so please don’t begrudge me my parking space...thank you, bye 👋🏻 😂

    Nicely put 👍 I think I’m starting to annoy myself when I say ‘they don’t have a f**king child’ every time I see some dick parking in the bays I also like to point out to people that just because you have a car seat in the car doesn’t mean you get the space either ... if I don’t have my son with me I go an park in a normal space

    I don’t have kids but I think it makes sense to have them. It’s safer for the kids, more room and handier for the parent with not enough hands. When did it become an issue for a fully fit person to walk a few metres??? I hate people sometimes! 🤦‍♀️

    It’s not about having a sense of entitlement as a parent. It’s about having to open your car door wider than normal to get your child out of a car seat - but hey, we can just hit the other car with the car door instead, that’ll go down well sure 😂

    Can they please have preggers ones too..... you can't breathe in with a massive bump!! 😂😂😂😂

    Wow people actually are that angry about it?! Fucking ridiculous. If they do get rid of child spaces it's the same twats who will be moaning when their cars get hit by the door when our little bundles are being strapped into said armchairs!

    I am loving how Luther is right up there with Antibiotics and the female vote 😂😂

    What makes it worse is the idiots who disapprove of parent and child parking spaces are probably the same arseholes who park their shiny new BMW in them to avoid other cars. Cat Spinks 😡

    I love that comment 'we didn't have them in my day and we managed'. Judith, you were still on penny farthings in your day darling 🙄

    You chose to have children??? 😂😂 what the freaking fuck is that argument about, as my daughter would say: leave it mum he is a fart head.

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..Thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this very difficult time.😞 ... See MoreSee Less

    ..Thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this very difficult time.😞

     

    Comment on Facebook

    We're 8 days into the year and you're done! Put your feet up buddy, you've over achieved for the year already!

    Did you post a photo of yourself carrying a vegan sausage roll in a papoose?

    Sometimes the rubbish takes itself out.

    (Stolen) Piers Morgan. Capital M, small organ 👍

    Piers was largely unimpressed with Matt. And it showed.

    I’m currently trying to get Donald Trump to block me... without the secret service turning up on my door step of course 😂 Tips appreciated

    Go for Katie Hopkins next 😂

    PM babe if you want to talk ❤️❤️😉

    Don't you get an OBE for that?

    But where do you go from here? You've set your bar pretty high for 2019 now 😂😂

    Better than a blue peter badge 🤣

    I hope you did the Euromillions...mind you no one can be that lucky in one day 🤣🤣🤞🏼 #TMAC I live for the day Susannah finally flips 🥊

    What did you do to get blocked?? Spread the word!! If we all get blocked and cannot see what he posts then we can be shielded from his bullshit

    Celebration party at yours? I'll bring the baby carriers and vegan sausage rolls

    Achievement of the year. The man is a fuck knuckle

    Please provide step by step instructions so that we toocan achieve greatness, oh wise and legendary one.

    What a time to be alive ✍🏻👏🍾🥂🥂

    it's like the trash taking itself out!

    I feel for you. No, really. I feel really happy for you! 😂

    It's ok, we can follow him and tweet screen shots for you....

    You have my deepest respect, sir.

    Hello Piers. We've been expecting you 😂😂

    There’s a cover photo if ever I’ve seen one

    Can we just buy you a pint instead 🤣

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ...And while we’re at it, I’d prefer to join in ‘Punch Myself In The Dick April’ than Dry January. ... See MoreSee Less

    ...And while we’re at it, I’d prefer to  join in ‘Punch Myself In The Dick April’ than Dry January.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I’m reporting every ad I see under the “I find it offensive” category.

    Can we also add all the people that insist on posting screen shots of how far they have walked/run or cycled so far this year. Literally no one gives a FUCK but you!......as I sit here eating salt and vinegar twirls and necking the Bailey's

    Had half a chocolate orange and a slice of Christmas cake for lunch today...can safely say I'm not at the 'New Year, New Me' stage just yet!

    You're not putting on weight, you're "taking sensible precautions in case of a no deal Brexit".

    I have found that eating turkey which has been left accidentally in your shed for two weeks is a sure fire way of achieving weight loss. Also, it has helped me get over my phobia of drips and canulas. Cheaper than some smug leotarded knob chanting it my to achieve my third press up while being mocked by the other body obsessed freaks .......on the train.

    How on earth can you possibly have out of date cheese??? Amateur!!!

    Don't forget Veganuary. Which to me sounds filthy, but I'm probably pronouncing it wrong.

    Ooooo love the "out of date" cheese.... I've just tanned a block of applewood smoked cheddar(standing at the kitchen bench of course) that was...delish

    There is currently nothing to eat in our house that isn't made of cheese or chocolate (or both - so awesome) Been shopping today and all the new year, new me crowd have bought up all the greens. So I'll stick with my cheesy chocolate until they get bored and hope that by that point I havnt consumed enough to give me a coronary.

    u guys r amateurs , here in france xmms donne , today is epiphanie and hello galette for a month yupiiii

    And this is all because hipsters couldn't afford meat and booze after Christmas.......

    There is still too much gin & chocolate left so it will be at least Easter before I can start a diet.... Oh wait erm Easter!?

    If it’s not the gym membership ads annoying me it’s the ‘book an expensive holiday abroad even though you’re skint after Christmas ‘ ads 🙄😡

    I’m guessing “Punch Myself In The Dick April” means Charlie gets 4 weeks rest?

    The best response is to have a brew and bit of cake whilst you say “good for you love, you do you and I’ll do me”

    Join me in reporting weight loss ads as scams. After all, that's what they are! 95% of people regain any weight lost on any diet within 5-10 years. If literally any other business had that kind of failure rate, they wouldn't be around for long.

    I did ‘punch myself in the dick April’ last year and although the first 10 days were awful I started to feel the benefits after that. So much so that I just carried on and I’m still doing it to this day👍🏼

    Served with baileys, obviously!

    Veganuary can get in the arsing bin!

    When I liked this post, it had 666 likes...

    Stop pissing and moaning. Cheese doesn't go off. It just gets more interesting... and occasionally fizzy... N.B. Do not eat fizzy cheese.

    Stolen from Rosie Made a Thing

    I really want a tunnocks teacake now...

    Found this and thought of you ☺️

    Why wait 'till April? Let's start this new year out RIGHT!!! If you punch yourself now, you'll feel better by April and that's a win!! Right? 🙂

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    So many people due or having babies at the minute!? ..Don’t worry new mums and dads! you’ve got this! ...Well, not really. But that’s what you’re supposed to say, rather than.. “Terrifying isn’t it?? They just give you the thing with no instructions.. even a toaster has instructions!? what are they thinking there’s been some sort of terrible mistake... I’m not qualified to be a parent, I don’t know how to put screenwash in the fucking car!!?? Fuuuuuuuuuck!? “ ...or something like that.

    So if you do have a new little one and it’s your first.. in truth.. sorry, but you probably haven’t GOT this. You’re not supposed to have GOT this. It takes some time to have GOT this. So don’t feel shit about not having GOT this.. That’s part of the disco. Oh...and Congratulations.. You did something mad good.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    So many people due or having babies at the minute!?  ..Don’t worry new mums and dads! you’ve got this!    ...Well, not really.  But that’s what you’re supposed to say, rather than.. “Terrifying isn’t it?? They just give you the thing with no instructions.. even a toaster has instructions!? what are they thinking there’s been some sort of terrible mistake... I’m not qualified to be a parent, I don’t know how to put screenwash in the fucking car!!?? Fuuuuuuuuuck!? “ ...or something like that.

So if you do have a new little one and it’s your first.. in truth.. sorry, but you probably haven’t GOT this. You’re not supposed to have GOT  this.  It takes some time to have GOT this.  So don’t feel shit about not having GOT this.. That’s part of the disco.  Oh...and Congratulations.. You did something mad good.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    When I got my rescue dog I had two home checks before I could bring him home then one six mths later to check I hadn't lied. I had my dtr and they sent me home with an actual human being within 24 hrs with no instruction manual!!! Still winging it and they're 9 and 3 now!!🤣🤣

    If anyone with a pre schooler has GOT This, could you please tell me where you got it from as I can’t find it (or my little one for that matter)

    I so thought i GOT this before my first! 😳 At the time I was a registered nurse and midwife and had been practicing Midwifery and Paediatrics for 13 years. Quietly confident but not too smug. 🙄 Common sense flys out the door when you’re sleep deprived! He was the perfect baby though so I was very lucky. My second, however, threw me every curve ball imaginable and we burned every baby manual together on a pyre of my confusion, lack of sleep and tears. She’s nearly 22 so it’s getting better! 😂😂😂 My only advice- keep your sense of humour and enjoy every moment because even the hard times are priceless ❤️

    People never tell people how hard the beginning is as if believed then the human race would probably die out,I was told I'd be 'a little bit tired' when in actual fact I felt like I was going to fall down the stairs every time I tried to walk down as I was so exhausted but why we do it is its the most amazing thing to have a little person put their arms around your neck unprompted for a hug

    Same goes for adoption, except you don't get 40 weeks to prepare for your impending arrival (even though I don't think that prepares you) and then you have to appear like you have got your shit together every week until it becomes all official. Master of making winging it look like a pro at work... It's all about getting your eyeliner on every day and having coffee on the go all the time. I've not got it, but I've got more of a clue than I did 7 months ago with 2 weeks notice. Wouldn't change it for the world.

    I was going to tag my friend in this and then didn't want to scare her... Changed my mind Carla Batty You'll be amazing! 😍

    I am still winging it and they are 23 and 26..... worry not they are still alive and if I can get there any one can. You are all doing great......

    Burn all the baby books! 3.5 years in; I don’t remotely “have” this. Curve ball currently potty training. No 2 coming in 23 days - we will definitely not have this then. We might feel better as we’re not learning nappies, burping and dressing for the first time and onesie on a baby child’s play compared to wrestling a five year old sized three year old into his sleeping bag every night...

    Still winging it - 16 and 11. Teens are hard! I long for the baby days when you could stick a dummy in their mouths. Doesn't work the same anymore 😂😂

    That’s when you call on Mary Poppins er GRANDMA

    Thanks for the reassurance 😂 I'm not entirely sure I've GOT life yet, so 16 weeks into pregnancy I'm not kidding myself I'm going to get this, but I'll try my damn best to be as patient and as kind as I can. It's all I can do.

    I'm due no.4 any day now and still haven't "got this" #wingingitsince2007

    Joanne Ford, Andrew Ford. If you don’t already then give a follow to this page, think u will def enjoy now ur about to embark on parenthood! Xx

    Crying my eyes out to my husband... first time parents to twins, they were 2 weeks old at the time “I’m just so tired, will I ever not be tired again” a constant state of exhaustion!! The beginning definitely the hardest in my books!

    My dad said to me when I had my first, they make you do tests for so many things in life driving for example! But to have kids they just say there you go off you go home! Massive learning on the job!

    Even when I tell people the truth they don't believe me. You don't KNOW until you KNOW! Until you're sleep deprived, covered in pee and puke and rocking in a corner 😬😂 It's the HARDEST thing ever!!!.but then I had another one and it's even HARDER! .....But also the best 😂😂😍😍

    I have to say, as an old cynical woman that they come with a hell of a lot more instructions than 40+ years ago. 40 years ago there was ONE magazine you could buy for some guidance and I think that was monthly. Not forgetting that each model is unique, so instructions will not necessarily fit all.

    As many have said on here, we still don’t feel we’ve got this, years in. But know that your family and friends love you, and will help you (whilst of course laughing at you) while you wobble along your parenting journey like bambi on a frozen pond! Good luck Stephanie and Aron! 😘

    I have a 2 1/2 year old and 5 week old and I definitely haven’t ‘got’ this! 🤣

    We will be having our first at the beginning of May, genuinely can’t wait but nervous at the same time 👍👶🍼 here’s to winging it! 😂👍

    I brought your first book when my 1st born was only a few months. Currently due with baby boy number 2 who is due around the same time as your 2nd book, perfect timing if I do say so myself 😂

    Sabina Bosch, Peter Dunton if you don't already follow Matt then you should. It is the light hearted, and more than you need look ahead to what is coming. X

    I'm a decade in and I still haven't GOT this

    Yeah, you dont GOT this with your second either, fyi. Lol

    You leave him alone he's a little angel 😇 xxx

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Ladies and Gentlemen.. the mighty Dolly Parton. I know it’s hard to believe but I’m not even taking the piss, this is the best advice for a new year you could ever get. I hate all this 'New Year, New You' bullshit. There's fuck all wrong with the old you. You’re bloody great. Happy 2019 and go get em' you dopey get. Matt x ... See MoreSee Less

    Ladies and Gentlemen.. the mighty Dolly Parton.  I know it’s hard to believe but I’m not even taking the piss, this is the best advice for a new year you could ever get.  I hate all this New Year, New You bullshit.  Theres fuck all wrong with the old you.  You’re bloody great.  Happy 2019 and go get em you dopey get.  Matt x

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Yep

    Dolly Parton is actually amazing. A lot of kids in Rotherham would never have read a book (apart from school set texts) if it wasn't for her coming over and setting up hee Imagination library and using Rotherham as her starting point. She's inspirational and a true hero.

    Love this

    Watch the film Dumplin on Netflix! It's fantastic and full of awesome dolly quotes including this one! 🙂

    I'm starting new year as I mean to go on. Drinking red wine. I have a toddler so dry January is not an option.

    Ellamae Mardling

    Someone’s watched “Dumplin”

    Emma Victoria Smart 😍

    👏

    Karen M Orriss

    Paul Eagleton someone shares your view

    Hera here that man! Happy 2019

    She is the literal best. So astute, and insightful. Her lyrics have always been forward thinking and feminist. With exception of Jolene, but, damn, that tune! Nine to Five was my first into to her, and I have been a massive fan ever since. She takes the Mickey out of herself, her image, and peoples perceptions of her. In short, she figured out who she is, and did it on purpose.

    Gotta love Dolly

    Great advice 👍

    Absolutely!

    Ru Kay 😍

    I’m stealing this. Thank you x

    Dolly only speaks the truth.

    Daniel James Hawes 😘

    Adele Sabin I feel this applies!!

    You watched “Dumplin’” on Netflix, didn’t you? 🧐

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ...here we go again.

    Man vs Baby
    Goodbye 2017. Hello 2018. Let’s f**king do this! ..Etc.
    ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    To be fair to him, until his foot hit that bin it was going fantastically well !!!!

    Nicola Kirkbride 😂

    Berdiee Nightingale Kieran Mackie Lewis Younger 😂😂😂

    Well that summed up my 2018

    It needs some sorted of sound edit, so when he straddles that bar it makes a sound like 'clang' or 'boing' lol x

    It’s a remarkably accurate analogy for 2018 really...

    Samantha Ledbury Zoe Wilmott

    Reece Taylor Jake Watson

    Nut cracker!! Very festive

    Denise Cothern

    Gill Wilson. 😂

    Nola 😂

    Marta 😂

    I can watch this over and over and laugh every time

    Yep start the new year with a new pair of balls,sounds perfect 😂😂😂

    😂😂😂

    😂

    Julie thankfully I didn’t feel like this this morning

    Martin Perou I thought I was watching a video of yours 😂

    I just can’t handle this one.. it’s just too funny

    Easily one of the funniest videos of all time.

    Yup, still funny 😂

    Friends don't let friends go out in public like that. This man has no friends. And now he has no balls. HAPPY BLUE YEAR!!

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    If I ever told Lyns when she’d ‘had enough to eat’ ..my next meal would be my own testicles. Apparently, Kelly’s ‘beau’ also ‘helped’ her to lose weight by calling her a ‘balloon’.

    ...This is not ‘parenting’ Kelly, it’s abuse and if you want to lose unwanted excess weight in 2019 might I suggest you start by losing this dismal prick who clearly has all the depth of a puddle.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    If I ever told Lyns when she’d ‘had enough to eat’ ..my next meal would be my own testicles. Apparently, Kelly’s ‘beau’ also ‘helped’ her to lose weight by calling her a ‘balloon’. 

...This is not ‘parenting’ Kelly, it’s abuse and if you want to lose unwanted excess weight in 2019 might I suggest you start by losing this dismal prick who clearly has all the depth of a puddle.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    ‘You had pudding last night so don’t need one tonight?’ My response would be ‘well we had sex last night so I guess you don’t need that tonight either’! What a dick!!!

    unless im sitting on your face, my weight is none of your business 😂😂

    My ex once told me I wasn't allowed seconds Infront of my mum! She hit him on the head with the saucepan she had in her hand 🤣😂🤣😂🤣

    I once rage ate an entire 300g ish toblerone in about 5 spiteful minutes because my fiancé told me I’d had enough. I believe his wording was rather patronising and condescending but I can’t remember it to quote it. I am intolerant to dairy. I had definitely had enough. Still not his call. My body, my terrible life choices.

    I think they sound like a perfect pair. She's also dropped into her conversations that she hits her boyfriends and that she thinks working mothers use their kids as an excuse to take sick days and shirk responsibilities. Match made in heaven - two complete spunk trumpets 👍

    Sounds like my father in law. He stopped by one day unannounced right at lunch time, while my husband was at work. He had a habit of doing this because he didn’t work, and had no money to get food, as well as was living on peoples couches (he’s a deadbeat). So (per my usual obligation) I offered lunch and made tuna fish... and was putting it on a salad. I put on a second scoop and he actually said “really?! You’re gonna have more?” Then looked at my stomach and gave that “echk” look. I just said “YUP” and slapped on 3 more scoops to spite him then said “looks like there’s none left for you! Bye now” He then left. Haha, NO SOUP FOR YOU!

    What a dick. I would eat him 😂

    Urgh! I went on a couple of dates with a bloke like that. He didn't let me order my own meal on our second date, instead I had to share his as "we wouldn't want you getting any chubbier, would we?" Suffice to say, I didn't see him again after that!

    Hubby: I can see how hard you’re working. I love you the way you are. You look beautiful to me. You don’t have to lose weight. Me: This is really hard and that statement, while really loving, isn’t helping. I’m feeling better and I can do more now that I’ve lost some weight. I want to be healthy. Hubby: How can I help? Me: Remind me of my goals when you see me reaching for something I probably shouldn’t eat. Him (later): Did you plan for that dessert? Remember to write it down! And also Him: Should I make enough for you, or are you having a salad tonight? Partners CAN help with weight loss. Of course he never referred to me as fat and only ever worried about what MY goals were.

    My husband says the same to me but only hoping I'll leave it so the fat ba##ard can eat it 😂

    Very interesting. Does he not know that women who pick up a bit of weight live a lot longer than the men who mention it?? 🤣 What a tool.

    If my hubby told me that, then his diet would get a lot easier because he'd have no teeth left!

    My husband isn't brave or stupid enough to tell me I've had enough to eat.Mind you, at 7 months pregnant if he did,I'd likely put him between 2 slices of bread and eat him too!

    I’m not a violent person. But he’d get a throat punch for saying that to me 👊🏽 and then I’d eat 10 puddings.

    My man would need to say, "you had dessert after breakfast, you don't need another one after your mid-morning snack!"

    If any person ever treated me like this their only meal moving forward would be delivered via a feeding tube. I can't believe women are still putting up with this shit in the 21st century.

    Wtaf?!?! My husband would loose weight that way as he’d be living off soup after I knocked his teeth out!!!!

    Husband: 'Do you really need that dessert?'. Me: 'Why?'. Husband: 'Because you'll put weight on'. 6 months later - 'How do you plead?' Me: 'Not guilty, but he called me fat...'...

    This has really pissed me off! I've been in a relationship where I was told what to eat and how much and was even made to weigh myself in front of him every week to show him I'd lost weight. It is never, ever acceptable to do this to your partner!

    Kelly dear, let me explain to you about normal relationship.... yours is not one. Ditch the controlling bell end and find genuine happiness.

    If my husband told me I’d had enough to eat, I’d eat him next 🤣🤣🤣

    Or I could say no one has the right to tell me what to put in my mouth. And if my husband ever did tell me what to put in my mouth I guarantee I would never put anything else in my mouth again EVER!! 🤣🤣

    No one. I repeat NO ONE has the right to dictate what you eat! He's a controlling arse

    Ian imagine if I let you tell me when I'd eaten enough 😂😂 I'd eat you too 😂

    He sounds like a right knob! Wake up Kelly! My husband wouldn't survive this type of behaviour #youwouldntlikemewhenimhangry

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    Load more
  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.

    flowchart1

  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

    Breastfeeding

    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.

    _______________________________________

    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.

    …..

    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…

    ———————————-

    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.

    www.facebook.com/manversusba

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby

  • Tough week…

    Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own..

    Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit.

    Anyway, to alleviate Lyns’ concerns about leaving Charlie in the care of a f*ckwit, I promised to keep in touch…

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

    Texts

  • Book Tour Dates 2017

    Thursday April 20th – SOLD OUT! The Man vs Baby Rave/Book Launch, Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield
    https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/man-vs-baby-rave-book-launch-party-tickets-32865483546?aff=es2

    Thursday April 27th – Sheffield Waterstones (Orchard Square) 7.00pm – 8.30pm – £3.00 incl glass of wine
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne/sheffield-orchard-square

    Wed 17 May, Chorleywood Bookstore, Chorleywood, – £8 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    http://chilternbookshops.co.uk/events/evening-scummy-mummies-matt-coyne

    Thurs 18 May, Reading Waterstones, Reading – £5 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne-and-the-scummy-mummies/reading-broad-street

    Wednesday 14 June, Urmston Library, Manchester 7.30pm This is a free Wordfest event. Book online at Eventbrite, phone 0161 912 3189 or email libraries@trafford.gov.uk

    Saturday 16th September – Chiswick Book Festival, details to follow..