All posts by MattCoyne

  • This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK…

    Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap.
    And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a good thing to reduce the risk of children running around the modern busy car park like its fucking Chessington World Of Adventures.

    I realise for some this is complicated..
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    1. “Rubbish, we didn’t have parent and baby spaces back in my day… ”
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    …This is an odd point of view given that that argument can also be made for antibiotics, women’s voting rights, the combustion engine, indoor plumbing, space travel, Luther, opposable thumbs, monster munch and shoes.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Oh yeah, and the internet.. a place where you can share your shit opinion and have it demolished by anyone whose brain receives oxygen.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    2. “But, in my day, we managed..”

    …I’m sure you did, when cars were fewer, cars were smaller, spaces were larger, and you could get a bottle of ginger beer and a caramac and still have half a crown left to buy some johnnies. Look, times have changed. Not least because we now have something called ‘Health and Safety’ which means Isofix, and car-seats the size of a fucking armchair.

    So you can be nostalgic for the good old days, when your children didn’t even have to wear seatbelts, but those days are gone.. It’s partly the reason why there are more of these kids making it to adulthood, actually, Barbara.

    3. “But disabled spaces are more important”.
    Yes. Of course they are. Nobody is saying otherwise. But its not either/or is it?

    4. “Why should those who ‘breed’ get benefits that I don’t. Whinge whinge. etc.”
    Look,.. people have all kinds of benefits that you don’t.. low blood pressure and some fucking empathy for a start.
    And.. even if you don’t have kids the chances are you were one once. It’s True. Two people in the dim past made the monumental mistake of combining their DNA and creating someone as selfish and small-minded as you. So stop being a cock about something that keeps the next generation a little bit safer and maybe, god forbid, makes someone else’s day a little bit easier. Because, it doesn’t really affect you does it, you massive dick.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Hope that clears that up… Now can we all just get along?

  • Man vs Toddler – Sunday Times Bestseller!

    Dear all! Quite an emotional couple of days in our house.. as we got the call to say that as of this weekend ‘Man vs Toddler’ will be a Sunday Times Bestseller!?

    I know. Nuts. Dreams do come true.. not the ones about having a gold-plated car, massive wings and being hung like a Minotaur but.. some dreams.. well, they do.

    So THANK YOU. Once again, to every one who has parted with cash for Man vs Toddler. You are royalty, your support is everything and I feel incredibly humbled.(But not too bloody humbled, I’m a two time, Sunday times bestselling author for fucks sake). Matt x

    (Cue… all the messages asking me where I got the mug from.. 😂goddammit, focus people.)

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.

    …..

    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.

    flowchart1

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.

    www.facebook.com/manversusba

  • Facebook Posts

    2 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Dear KLM,

    just a suggestion, but if I ran an international airline.. my policy Re: passengers complaining about a breastfeeding mum on board, wouldn’t be to make the mum feel like shit.

    Instead I would offer the offended arsehole these two options:

    1: A complimentary eye mask or 2. A parachute.. “I’ll get the door for you sir, off you fuck”. 👍🏻
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Dear KLM, 

just a suggestion, but if I ran an international airline.. my policy Re: passengers complaining about a breastfeeding mum on board, wouldn’t be to make the mum feel like shit.  

Instead I would offer the offended arsehole these two options:  

1: A complimentary eye mask or 2. A parachute.. “I’ll get the door for you sir, off you fuck”. 👍🏻

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I pretty much breastfed my 6month old daughter for 8 hours straight to and from Singapore on QANTAS and Emirates and their hosties were nothing other than supportive! Certainly the passengers around us would have appreciate a quiet boob rather than a screaming ratbag for 8hours straight 🙄

    Yes to this!

    Who complains that a baby is being fed on a plane? Would these people rather a screaming child throughout the flight? And why on Earth are they staring so closely at a mother and baby in their seats that they are able to see something that offends them? I spend the whole flight trying not to stare at people in those rows I can see, in case my staring offends them...

    Thank you. They've really messed up with this. Has me livid.

    "Offended" - jesus wept.

    None of my four would allow me to cover them, wouldn't tolerate a blanket or grobag in bed so certainly made their annoyance known when I tried to cover their heads as they ate. As if flying (or holidaying, or even just leaving the house!) with a baby isn't stressful enough muppets have to make it even harder! Xxxx

    The same inconsiderate arse would be complaining if that child had been crying with hunger. People need to mind their own damn business and if you can’t cope with the view that consists of the back of a child’s head then I suggest you stick the blanket KLM would offer the mother over your own head.

    Let's also not forget that no one even complained and they still asked her to cover up!

    What? Are other passengers forced to stare at the breast at gunpoint?

    Most people read the shit magazine, play on a tablet or phone, they can just turn their head ever so slightly to one side to avoid seeing. You actually don't see anything unless you are sat right opposite a breastfeeding mother...

    I don’t know about there, but over here they’d open themselves up to a lawsuit. It’s illegal to stop someone breastfeeding, this includes telling them to cover up.

    I’d get said passenger who feels “uncomfortable” and relocate them to the toilet for the rest of the flight. Let them experience true uncomfort... Or When any inflight drinks or meals are being served, those who felt uncomfortable with a nursing mother, get a free 15tog duvet to consume their food/drink under Any mothers who have any complaints against them should get upgraded to first class ! Problem solved...

    I breastfed my 15 week twins on the way to Lanzarote last week and Jet 2 were fab. As we’re the folk around us. A single traveler had a great time chatting to my almost 4 year old- he admitted he was apprehensive when we sat down but was great. Shame all folk aren’t as supportive of young families travelling

    As I saw on another page, we have all been blessed with necks and we can indeed turn them away. Anyone can choose to turn their neck and Not be offended!

    Thank you for covering this! As a nursing mommy I’m all too familiar with the filthy looks, the whispering and the people staring so hard it’s a wonder their eyes don’t pop out! I’d love to tell them where to go and honestly, I don’t think I’d even waste a perfectly good parachute on them 👋😵

    FFS... 🤦‍♀️🙄 FREE THE NIPPLE!!!

    Who the actual fuck complains about someone else eating????? Seriously that's just fucked up

    Yeah.... as a guy, and as a dad..... I totally disagree. The parachute is unnecessary. Open the door and out he fucks. Simple.

    I think you're too kind offering the parachute.

    Its an odd world we live in...page 3 acceptable, keeping a human alive not acceptable! I breast fed, never had a crossed word, my best memory was getting my boobie out in Betty's, Harrogate. (Screaming baby, no waiter for tub of hot water to warm up bottle I had taken in preperation. Hence Boobie in Betty's, no flesh was on show, vest tops are marvelous inventions for breastfeeding mums) No one even knew he was feeding and he wasn't covered! 🍉🍉

    I don't understand this 'show' people keep going on about. Babies feed in different ways. Some are calm and serene others like to flail and are difficult to control. Either way I can guarantee that happening to see a boob is much better than putting up with a hungry baby on an aeroplane. If you say you support breastfeeding if it's 'discreet' you don't support it and you don't understand the issue.

    In case the airline is interested. I find people who recline their seats so far back they are practically sitting on my knee, couples in front who can’t wait until they get to their rooms before climbing all over each other and children who are allowed to kneel up on the seat in front and stare at me the whole flight. Breastfeeding is fine

    The bizarre thing is that it isn't just one uninformed member of staff. They are standing firm on this "policy". Certainly won't be flying with them, even when not feeding a baby anymore!! Absolutely ridiculous in this day and age.

    Permitted to feed your child, wow thanks KLM. I’m offended by people offended by breastfeeding can the policy include them sitting under a blanket??

    + View more comments

    3 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..so yeah, that was the longest thirty seconds of my entire life. ... See MoreSee Less

    ..so yeah, that was the longest thirty seconds of my entire life.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Apparently, Charlie has also mentioned this to everybody who works at his nursery our window cleaner and a woman who came to our door collecting for Guide Dogs. (For the record, I don't actually do bog-rocking turds the size of a submarine.. l'm not sure he's even seen one.. I have no idea where he’s got this from honest!?)

    Relatable. Pootling around Waitrose in Islington many moons ago when my eldest (then a precocious 3ish) announces to the elderly, pearl and twinset encrusted (this being Waitrose..) lady next to us in the checkout queue: ‘Do you know, my daddy’s willy floats in the bath’. Happy days.

    Just to help you out. My aunty came to stay for a week while I was heavily pregnant with my youngest, as I had a two year old as well. Aunty kindly takes two year old up to the spar at the top of our road where we go about three times a week. As they enter, two year old says in clear ringing voice "my daddy's got a great big bottom and a great big HUGE willy." "Oh," says my aunty trying not to laugh. "It's HUGE," says two year old. People behind the counter giggling openly. My poor husband was too ashamed to go back in there for weeks, and when he did eventually go back in, the shop assistants laughed at him.

    Similar thing happened to me after giving birth to my second child . Off we go to the shops newborn and toddler we get to the cashier and she says to my son is this your new baby sister oh how beautiful to which he replied a lady comes every day to look at my mums bum this being the midwife and she was looking at my stitches. The cashier had no words and neither did I

    My 3 year old asked the lady on checkout “do you cry at home “when she asked why he replied “because your very old “ she was about 40, I’ve never packed my shopping so fast

    My daughter (in a family restaurant which was at that moment observing a 2 minute silence on Remembrance Day and in which you could hear a pin drop) loudly announced in a ringing voice, which sliced through the silence like a hot knife through butter, "Mummy, I need a POO!"

    My youngest said to my husband loudly in a busy public toilet, daddy you've got a big willy, I've just got a little willy.

    ‘Mummy I LOVE COCKPORN’ Really loudly in a busy supermarket. Obviously she meant POPCORN. She loved popcorn!

    According to my father, I was 4 (my favourite movie was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the time) and pointed to a nearby grocery customer who happened to be a little person and said "Look Daddy! It's an Oompa Loompa!" My father couldn't get me out of there quick enough. 🤭

    Went to the doctors several years ago with my now 12 year old. I checked in at reception and headed for the waiting room. My son asks at full toddler volume “mummy, whys that man wearing a skirt?” I hissed at him - “that’s a lady”. He shouted “oh. Why’s that lady got a moustache??”

    My nephew (4 at the time) told me with great pleasure when I was babysitting that his Daddy had a big willy, but his was only small and so was his friend’s. High fived my sister when she came back and haven’t been able to look my brother in law in the eye since the revelation 😂🙈.

    This evening I collected my son from nursery. Whilst he was running around with friends, I was talking to another mummy amongst a group of parents. My son came over, he’s 4, nearly 5, and out of nowhere, he starting tapping my chest, then launched into our conversation with “you’ve got big nipples mummy”.... Excellent! Thanks son!

    Me in Aldi trying to grow more arms to keep up with the lightening scanning speed and keep an eye on my toddler. Toddler stands angelically behind me, huge eyes and innocence. Then 'Oh no Mummy! I think you've done a poo! I need to check your nappy' Proceeds to try and pull my trousers down to check! 😳

    My 6 year old proudly announced to an entire cafe that I’d shaved my downstairs once 🤓💕

    Went swimming the other day. The changing room didn’t have cubicles. A lady was getting changed and my lovely son decided to shout you have boobies, big boobies! Then he proceeded to tell the poor lady that she had a big tummy. 🙄🤭. Fair play she took it well and saw the funny side. But still.

    When I was pregnant with my 3rd, my eldest then 4 would tell everyone we met that the baby was going to come out of my "lady bits"!

    Where we used to live, one of the neighbours had a friend visiting. She was a dark skinned lady with pink dreadlocks. My son ran after her shouting “Upsy Daisy, Upsy Daisy”... 😳😬

    Not as bad, but I went to Marks and Spencer's with my oldest with aspergers who was about 8 at the time. I was buying their "meal deal" which came with a free bottle of wine, which I was stashing away for Christmas, because I don't actually drink. The woman behind the counter ID'd me (even though I am in my 30's) so I had to say I didn't have any. Checkout woman: "Sorry, I won't be able to sell it to you. You can get a soft drink in the Aisle though." **Awkward Silence** Crotch Monster: "BUT MY MUMMY NEEDS WINE!!!!" *chucks percy pigs on the floor and starts WAILING hysterical tears* **ENTIRE WORLD STOPS TO STARE AT THE POOR NEGLECTED CHILD AND ALCOHOLIC PARENT** Still didn't get the wine though.

    These comments are amazing! 🙈😂 We were buying my husband pepperamis (with the rest of our shopping)at Lidls once and my 5 year old told the cashier they were Daddy's willys 🙈😂X

    We were recently out for dinner in a nice pub, my 3 year old misheard her older brother who was talking about his ‘pet golden phoenix’, she announced at the top of her voice, “well my penis is bigger, black and fast”! My GP husband had to then help a lady choking on the neighbouring table 🤦‍♀️😂

    My sister in law was buying a box of large white candles when my 3 year old niece loudly declared to the woman on checkout; “my mummy puts these in her bottom”. 3 year old niece had mistaken candles for tampons...

    After taking my autistic daughter with me whilst I got my smear test she came out and quite proudly announced to a very very busy waiting room Mummy just had a big spoon and the lady's hand up her tuppence and she didn't even have a wee... That's so cool.... That was not cool... We changed Dr's....

    I was in a supermarket with my 2 year old and newborn, a lady came over and said 'oh how beautiful, is she your little sister?' to which my son replied (with added pointed finger) POO IN THE POTTY NOT IN YOUR PANTS!! 🤦

    My now 20 year old daughter told her auntie once that “my dad’s got a huge willie”. Then followed it with *hands as far apart as a 3 year old can go* “it’s THIS big!” Unfortunately her mother confirmed to her sister that it most certainly is NOT. True story Harriet Back (The now 20 year old). She also used to have a massive thing about watching me wee. I have, on a number of occasions, had to bat her hand away mid flow (from my very little, according to my now ex-wife, willy)

    When my daughter was 3, she went through the usual phase of finding farts hilarious. I told her that's fine, but she needs to say pardon after. A week or so later, we're in the changing cubicle at our local pool. Person in the next cubicle let rip what was honestly the loudest fart I've ever heard, and because of the lovely, open-plan design of the pool, the acoustics made that bad boy ring around the building even more. I clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh, and my darling daughter lifts her hand, bangs on the partition and bellows "Say pardon, you minger!!!" I was out of there like a shot, half-dressed, anything to avoid that person 😂

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    Obviously body-shaming affects both men and women and is always toxic.. but what the bloody hell is this?? If I had his ‘dad-bod’ I’d never put on a shirt again.. I’m talking weddings, job interviews, if I looked like that I’d have gone to my nan’s funeral, deep in grief, but absolutely shirtless.. maybe a smidge of baby oil. #whatiswrongwithpeople ... See MoreSee Less

    Obviously body-shaming affects both men and women and is always toxic.. but what the bloody hell is this?? If I had his ‘dad-bod’ I’d never put on a shirt again.. I’m talking weddings, job interviews, if I looked like that I’d have gone to my nan’s funeral, deep in grief, but absolutely shirtless.. maybe a smidge of baby oil.  #whatiswrongwithpeople

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I’d forgotten what happens when I do a post that includes a photo of Jason Momoa or Tom Hardy.. 24 hours of constant comment notifications from mums saying what they’d do to them given half the chance. 😂😂 #yousaucymares

    As a proud owner of a dad bod I always say you can’t cuddle a six pack like you can cuddle a keg

    I’d happily see him put some more weight on 😍 Love me a bit of belly.

    Dad bods rock ! To hell with a rock hard uncomfy dish rack, give me a comfy belly to lean on 😍

    What these uneducated spanners don’t realise is he probably had to endure 6 months of hell to get to where the film studio wanted him to be for the various films. So excuse the guy for basically saying fuck you to spending 4 hours a day in the gym and eating chicken rice and veg 6 times a day and deciding to open a beer and eat a steak! The internet worries me sometimes it really does. Would love to see the morons shaming him so half of the workouts that they are put through. It is zero fun!

    Definitely very much still would... 😂😂😂

    Arguably one of the most beautiful creations this lifetime! 😍

    Erm.......here’s my “Dad Bod”. I’ll be very honest I used to hit the gym for hours on end and then had a personal trainer and didn’t eat carbs. Well I’m a Postman so my cardio and lifting is right there, I’m also a Dad. Jason.......mate have yourself a few Jaffa cakes and a few beers with me. The guy is still in serious shape. Oh by the way I do have shorts on below the waist. 😂 #jasonwho #jaffacakebellyshake

    Oh thank you Matt for posting a photo of this beautiful man!!! 🤤😍 I have to say, I prefer men with a bit of meat on them. The cuddles are so much better!

    I have been working on my Dad Bod for nearly 4 years and I am nowhere near that standard. I'd love to know his secret 🧐

    We would all have been at your Nan’s funeral..to support you in your hour of need, of course.

    My man has a “dad bod” and I love him just the way he is. We bought our boy into the world together and a few extra pounds doesn’t effect the way I feel about him. He’s a bloody top dad to our boy, and I’d sooner cuddle him than a skeleton!!!!

    I'm 44 and have a dad bod, it really doesn't bother me as I'm not out to impress anyone. I'm quite happy with my family and my daughter and other half love me as I am. While I would love to go back to being ripped and built like a brick outhouse like I was 15 years ago, I have more important things to worry about like when will my daughter stop growing? Am I going to be bald in 5 years? (probably not but I wouldn't bet on having hair in 20 years) what happened to all my money? You know, the important stuff.

    My “dad-bod” is putting on a favourite shirt I used to be able to button up properly and now wearing it open with an XL t-shirt underneath. #williteverfitagain

    I love the dad bod! Yes Mamoa is amazing in all forms but the dad bod is home x

    He looks just great 😍. Maintaining physical 'perfection' is incredibly hard work, everyone needs a holiday. The media is twisted and people no longer think for themselves. Lazy 🙄

    Dad bod or not! He is looking mighty fine! To me looks healthy and still bloody gorgeous! why can’t we all give each other a bloody break! we’re only Human!

    Big Jason would get it any day of the week! He still looks great, and seems like a good guy. 👌Yum!

    Body shaming Khal Drogo. I mean come on.

    Well if that's a dad bod then i am very glad i am a Mum!! #yummy #whatisourobsessionwithmuscularmen #givemesomesquishy #andlovehandles #tohangontoanyday!

    That’s a “dad body?” I would really, really, really like to meet their dads. Really.

    Dad bods for the win!!!!! I banter with friends that I like men with mucles and six packs. But in all honesty, would very much rather have a bloke with a dad bod that spends time with his family over the gym or anything else. ☺☺☺😊😊😊

    I am in the enviable position of having met him just before aquaman came out in cinemas. He is honestly the nicest loveliest man with a very dry sense of humour. I have a sneaky suspicion he’d laugh at that article & it wouldn’t bother him. Having said that, articles like this whether female or male need to stop, but it’s our hunger reading them, clicking on them that keeps the press publishing them x

    Women love a good dad bod. Who wants a guy who spends more time at the gym than they do with you?

    I’m a Dad and I wish my body looked that bleedin ripped. 🙄😂😂😂

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    The struggle is real. ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    ..it’s been ages since I mentioned my new book and I think you’ll like it.👍🏻 So... www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

    Love this it actually made me laugh out loud

    True story. Well not the wagon wheel. But a good equivalent 😱

    I love it - ingredients! That’s all I ever seem to have when I get the munchies late at night

    ha ha that did make me giggle, but seriously does anyone (even Grandma) really give their kids fruit shoots still? It's evil stuff!

    My mum doesn’t cook and complains that the only food we have in when she babysits is “ingredients”.. I came home from work one day and she said “you only had ingredients, so I fed them a block of cheese and a tub of ice cream!” Don’t get me Wrong I’m not complaining about anyone willing to babysit, however if they get gout it’s totally not my fault!

    And this is why I fail to understand my mum insisting that ‘kids need energy to sleep’ aka- if it’s past bedtime give them a teaspoon of glucose powder!

    Yep, this is pretty much exactly what bedtime looks like in our house at the mo. With the addition of screaming "I want my sausage!!!" and "I want my Christmas lights!!!" 🤣

    So so funny x I've been very good today - lots of water & fresh fruit & Ummmm & Ummmmmm LOL XX

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I totally agree. Lovely to see you all today x

    My little boy tonight, after I caved when everyone said I was mean because it was his birthday and allowed him to have some chocolate birthday cake after 7pm.

    This was the 3 year old at nursery today. Had an accident just as we were leaving so stripped off everything bar shoes and legged it across the garden 😂 🏃🏻‍♀️

    🤣true, might also have been something to do with the glass of fizz we drank beforehand 🥂

    True fecking story! That... is.....my.... 3 year old child! I could write a book.... wait a minute!!! 🤔😜👍🏻 It would have to be an audio book and would involve shouting..... so maybe not 😳☹️

    Niamh Freestone I give him water and healthy snacks lols 😜👶🏻💙xx

    Watching this with my sugared up 5 year old and we're both laughing. At 10pm. He should be asleep. I wish I was asleep. But this was funny. Also just had to explain the concept of streaking to said 5year old and I hope it doesn't give him ideas...

    Amazing how streakers have very strong superpowers of evasion.

    I was today years old when I learned what fruit shoots and wagon wheels are. We do not have either of these in America, although we have similar products.

    Nans.....we should know better but we always give in..

    I feel this pain! The funny thing is, when *you* were a kid, they didn't let you have all this sugary junk did they?! It seems it's only when parents become grandparents that they suddenly start dishing out enough Haribo and Mars Bars to put a bull elephant into a diabetic coma...😂😂😂

    Oops June, I give mine Icecream after they have eaten breakfast when they come for a sleepover lol Grandma rights 😂😂😂 X

    Story of my life right now! She’d started to settle a little then I went and laughed at this didn’t I...dam it 😂 x

    It’s 0020 here and we rowdy colonists have just come back from a truly epic display of pyrotechnics. In other words. This freakin kid is never gonna sleep again! So I am definitely feeling your pain, friend. ❤️🤣🤣

    Not this Nana, I love sleeping toddlers lol

    I swear it's some kind of revenge play from when we were kids 😂 and I fully intend to do the same when I'm a nana 😂

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Cannot tell you how proud I am of this guy. Magic Majid. ..A Somalian refugee who escaped to Sheffield from an Ethiopian camp when he was five.. and then grew up in one of the most deprived areas in the city.. only to become Lord Mayor.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    During his tenure as mayor of my hometown He banned Donald Trump from the city, describing him in official records as a ‘wasteman’... raised a record amount for mental health charities like Flourish.. he ran the marathon dressed as a tree to protest trees being cut down in the city and came up with the city’s Ten Commandments that include: ‘Be Kind’, ‘Don’t be a prick’ ,’Tell your Ma you love her’, ‘Don’t lose hope’ and ‘Always buy your round’. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Yesterday he became MEP for Yorkshire and Humber and on his first day was asked if he was lost and then asked to leave. Magic dealt with this with his usual good humour and charm. Like he said ‘politicians don’t look like me’. ..It would be a much better world if more of them did.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    One thing I do know is that as a bunch of politicians got a load of attention for facing backwards yesterday.. Mr Magid will always face forward. Congratulations and Love you big man. x
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Cannot tell you how proud I am of this guy.  Magic Majid. ..A Somalian refugee who escaped to Sheffield from an Ethiopian camp when he was five.. and then grew up in one of the most deprived areas in the city.. only to become Lord Mayor.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
During his tenure as mayor of my hometown He banned Donald Trump from the city, describing him in official records as a ‘wasteman’... raised a record amount for mental health charities like Flourish.. he ran  the marathon dressed as a tree to protest trees being cut down in the city and came up with the city’s Ten Commandments that include: ‘Be Kind’, ‘Don’t be a prick’ ,’Tell your Ma you love her’, ‘Don’t lose hope’ and ‘Always buy your round’. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Yesterday he became MEP for Yorkshire and Humber and on his first day was asked if he was lost and then asked to leave.  Magic dealt with this with his usual good humour and charm.  Like he said ‘politicians don’t look like me’. ..It would be a much better world if more of them did.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
One thing I do know is that as a bunch of politicians got a load of attention for facing backwards yesterday.. Mr Magid will always face forward.  Congratulations and Love you big man. x

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I was very proud to vote for this man to become my MEP

    Well said, I'm proud to be from Sheffield 🙂

    An absolute inspiration!

    What a guy he is. I absolutely love him!

    Proud to have voted for him. This is my boy with him when we bumped into him in Sheffield a couple of months ago.

    Proud to say, I am one of them who voted him in. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

    The Guardian did an article on him recently which was the first time I’d heard of him. He’s also written some bits for them. He sounds amazing. www.theguardian./politics/2018/jun/22/magid-magid-sheffields-lord-mayor-ive-had-a-lot-of-stick-bu...

    How have I never heard of this guy? He sounds amazing!

    I wish we could clone him. And I want one of his t-shirts.

    Indeed - let’s hope he inspires many to take up politics and to truly represent the community 👍 Cheers for sharing.

    Proud to have voted for him here in Huddersfield 👍❤️

    This! This right here gives me hope!! The guy is an absolute legend ♥

    Shame I haven’t heard of him until your post. What a fantastic man using his platform for good and things that matter. We need more Magid’s in our country!!

    Brilliant.

    Was chuffed to be able to vote for him in our little, very blue, very conservative (in all aspects) corner of rural North Yorkshire. Hope he's able to make a real impact in the time they have left in the EU and hope he stays in UK politics - we need more like him!

    Totally agree, and proud to live in the same city as him x

    the amount of vitriol this man has received from some people in sheffield is an absolute disgrace so its fab to see so many positives messages on here.

    Hero of our times is Majid. Someone I totally look up to, respect and admire. If we could all be a little bit ‘magic’ then how great a world it would truly be.

    I've never heard of him until now but I live in sleepy Pembrokeshire in Wales...but am instantly a fan!! Sounds like an amazing man😀

    I don't know anything about him, but im going to do some research, he sounds like the future. Well done <3

    He's amazing! We definitely need more politicians like him.

    A wonderful example to the rest of the disgraceful MEPs who turned their backs. Good man.

    A great bloke who promotes tolerance and positivity. Love him. More politicians like him please.

    As a Sheffield lass, I couldn’t agree more. X

    What an awesome man! It is so pathetic that his success makes others so uneasy. I wish there were more people like him in those sorts of positions in our country. In the world actually. #teammagid

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Alright Monday? ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    This is so me and my hubby... Lol.... He's the morning person me not so much

    Yeah, that’s me

    Sometimes I think I’ve gotten the hang of mornings. Then I sober up.

    Ste Phen Kerr I'm a top fan!!!!!! 🙏🏆 I'd just like to thank my hubby, my kids and Man vs Baby 😂😍

    Makes me laugh every time! 😂😂😂

    I got coffee up my nose because of this.

    My husband and 3.5yr old are both morning people I would be a morning person if mornings happened around noon

    The video is playing backwards!

    😂😂😂 this will never stop being funny, howling every time I see it 🤣

    Jodie Blackhurst This is never not the most adorable thing in the world! If there comes a time I don't squeeee at this I've obviously died

    How could you not be a morning person all day long when you've achieved Top Fan status?

    Heidi Beaumont this always reminds me of you. Sorry. Love you. Xxxx

    Terryjane Vaughan why does this remind me of you coming into the office most mornings 🤣🤣

    Every day with a baby and 3.5y old 😂 The 3.5y old however thinks it's funny to come running in when he's awake and scream/sing at the top of his voice/yell at us..thus waking the parents and baby 🙄

    I know that feeling

    Babe. This is you, and me. I think we know which one is which. 🤣 Josh Labossiere

    Emma Harries I know I've tagged you in this before. But I cry with laughter everytime I see it.😂

    Hannah J Isted I know you will crack up and watch this ten times. Enjoy ❤️

    It's like yoda rising

    Omg belly laughing 😂

    Emilie Beavis this was you and me when we were kids and had sleepovers 😂😂😂 I’m still the same 😂

    Stuart Salter 🤣 mum just stared at this video for ages saying “I don’t get it, the dogs just getting up” 🙄

    Tara you and me on Saturday! 🤣🤣🤪

    Aww, Mike Collier this is like when you wake me in the morning to say goodbye 😂

    Jennifer 🤣 why does this make me think of you on the bus in the mornings x

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Tell you what’s fun... 28 degree heat and trying to get your little’un to go to sleep👍🏻. #killme ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    North facing bedrooms are the way forward. Both my children sleep at the front of our house which doesn’t get any sun and the rooms are significantly cooler than the rest of the house.

    Awww you love him really (& he’ll be up again in a few hours again tooooo hot & unable to sleep. Then again at 5 ... 😫😂😂😂) Good luck tomorrow! 😔🤣 we’ve all been there, roll on winter 😂 💙☃️❄️

    I use the little cooling sprays you get out of Poundland - great for this weather 🤣

    Yep... I have actually also forked out for a portable aircon unit this week.

    I acknowledge your pain, but I counter with 33°C heat and an extremely loud music festival less than 200 yards from our house and trying to get a 3 year old to bed!

    I’ve had to make a 5 tiered rainbow cake with chocolate fudge filling for a birthday tomorrow 🤦🏻‍♀️ hoping the heat doesn’t destroy it over night 🥵 😶 Took till almost 9 to get the toddler to sleep while the 8 year old had a strop because we weren’t making said cake to her schedule 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

    These 👇 they work wonders £2:30 * Asda *, stopped many a nervous breakdown.

    Gave up and we’re watching the Charlatans at Glastonbury on the iplayer. Educational. 👍🏻

    I turned the cold shower on mine! They thought it was hilarious. Bathroom soaked but the result was 2 cooled off tired children. I win!

    Do you not have air conditioning? It’s 91°f here in Indiana, USA. That’s about 33°c I guess? Do your summers not get as hot as ours or are you just not there yet? Thanks to my AC, it’s 66°f inside my house. I couldn’t live without it.

    Mine all took about 15/20 minutes to get to sleep - black out blinds or thick curtains keep them shut all day but have the windows open. They all sleep in underpants only or nappy with a duvet cover or sheet.

    Got mine in a good routine just have to be stern and consistent.

    I’ll add to that: our neighbour is having a garden party tonight of all nights! Front and back garden! So we can’t even open our windows as it’s too loud! 🥵 And no we didn’t even get an invite!

    Currently 28 degrees in my bedroom and my 5 month old went to bed at 8 and has been up 3 times already gonna be a long night and we’re going on holiday tomorrow so I apologise to anyone flying from stansted tomorrow afternoon in case she’s a demon in the airport 🙈🙈🙈

    Relate so hard to this atm. My 3 year old has been in his bedroom for over an hour. Every 5-10 minutes I've been upto put him back in bed and I'm losing the will to live

    2 hours and 15 minutes later i am still trying 🙄 if anyone works out how to get them to sleep be a love at let me know!!

    All the Aussies are laughing quietly and thinking back to last summer when 28 degrees was a "cool change" and a blessed relief to the mid 40's Chin up guys, it can't last that long for you, days rather than weeks.

    It's been a lovely 19c in Wirral from about 4pm today and drizzle, what heatwave 😂

    Ours is finally happy to have a fan in the room, hooray!!!

    Pyjamas in the freezer helped for the novelty value - until they warmed up in about 10 seconds

    Get air con fitted at home, it's more cost effective than people think! Best thing we've ever purchased and also one of the cheapest ways to heat during winter if you're all electric... for cooling the house our 2 units cost less to run than 2 standard room fans.

    This was me last night .. My toddlers bedroom was 30.5 degrees!!! 🔥 🔥

    I can recommend going out drinking and letting your spouse deal with bedtime. Of course, you’ll pay the price at 5am but that’s the life of a parent 🤷‍♀️

    Currently sat outside my youngest sons room watching Netflix whilst he screams at me for everything he can think of, a drink, a light, a story, he's hungry, he's cold 🤔... I brought a glass of sangria with me though so all good for now hah

    Our 10 week old has not slept since midday, still trying to get her to sleep in our bedroom currently over 26 degrees 😫 glad I’m not alone 🤣

    + View more comments

    4 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Posted this on my Instagram account a couple of days ago and according to the debate that’s been going on over there.. it turns out this IS a thing.

    Got loads of messages from people saying their mum told them the same. ...And.. (and this is why I love social media..) apparently in Scotland and Ireland they call dandelions ‘piss yer beds’ or ‘wet the beds’. AND.. apparently in French they call dandelions ‘pissenlits’ which means piss in your bed.. AND.. it turns out that they’ve been used for centuries as a diuretic to make you pee.. SO.. it IS science.

    So sorry Ma, I thought you were just making shit up.😂

    ...Although I am glad that you weren’t so accurate with the whole “if you don’t stop playing with your willy it’ll fall off” thing.

    Anybody got any more #LiesYourParentsToldYou ? I’m sure we can debunk or confirm...
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Posted this on my Instagram account a couple of days ago and according to the debate that’s been going on over there..  it turns out this IS a thing.  

Got loads of messages from people saying their mum told them the same. ...And.. (and this is why I love social media..) apparently in Scotland and Ireland they call dandelions ‘piss yer beds’ or ‘wet the beds’. AND.. apparently in French they call dandelions ‘pissenlits’ which means piss in your bed.. AND.. it turns out that they’ve been used for centuries as a diuretic to make you pee.. SO.. it IS science.  

So sorry Ma, I thought you were just making shit up.😂

...Although I am glad that you weren’t so accurate with the whole “if you don’t stop playing with your willy it’ll fall off” thing. 

Anybody got any more #LiesYourParentsToldYou ? I’m sure we can debunk or confirm...

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Here’s one.. Did anyone have their car sickness cured by sitting on a sheet of newspaper?

    Love the chewing gum ones!? ..Can’t believe as a kid we were told that shops happily sold kids a chewy sweet that you put in your mouth.. but if you accidentally swallowed.. it would wrap itself around your heart/choke you/stick to your ribs/stay in your body for 7 years .. and we believed it. Kids are idiots 😂

    We used to travel from Scotland to Southampton to visit family when we were little. My Mum used to save up yellow smarties and pretended that they were travel sick pills. We were told that we had to swallow them really quickly for them to work properly! Placebo effect in action!

    My mum told us that if you opened the car window while we were on the motorway, the car would explode. 😳 And that Turkish Delight (the bright shiny pink wrapped chocolate bar - anyone remember it?) and Yorkie bars contained drugs and were poisonous! Pretty severe and drastic measures if you ask me 😳🙈😂

    Yup 🙋🏼‍♀️ My Grandma told me and I told my Son..... glad it’s a real thing 😂

    ‘Eating carrots is good for your eyes and will help you to see in the dark’. I’ve got -12 and -9 short sightedness, strong astigmatism and an eye disease. It was all a lie!!!

    My Mum used to tell us that it was illegal to have the interior light on in the car when she was driving.... My sister is 31 and only found out a few months ago that that is not true! 😂

    I was told when we moved into our childhood house a hippo was removed from the garden with smarties

    Yes I was told this , I was also told (as an adult ) that if you touch the floor when you get out of the car it grounds you and stops you getting an electric shock . I would get out of the car and shout “I’ve got it “and promptly touch the ground every time I got out of the car . Silver cars are also worse , fact 😂🤦‍♀️this went on for several years until someone was kind enough to laugh in my face when I told them !

    My mum replaced my dead hamster and told me they changed colour in the autumn

    My mum used to tell me I was eating steak for supper every Saturday night. They had a nice T bone and what I was actually eating was liver, I only figured it out when I was in my 20s and I went to a restaurant and asked for a steak and complained that it didn’t taste right. Ragin. 🙄😬

    My dad (a proud Scotsman) told me that the forth rail bridge in Edinburgh was one of the seven wonders of the world. I was 23 before I realised this was not the case 🙄

    Known as piddleybeds in our family (possibly a Geordie thing but definitely a my family thing)

    My Dad said that McDonalds put in their very own 'Special' ingredient into the food that made it extremely addictive. When I got a job at McDonalds aged 16 I looked a right tit on my first day when i asked where the special ingredient was and when do we put it in.

    My son used to eat seeds out of an apple, I told him he would turn into an apple tree. 'All the trees you see are people who have eaten seeds' 🤦🏻‍♀️ he cried for about 10 minutes 😂

    My parents used to tell us that salt yes salt cooled our food down....we are now all addicted to salt and the parents are denying all knowledge!

    Yes your eyes are lovely, but we won't know what colour they really are until your baby eyes fall out....

    We told our son when he was little that we couldn't go to any toy store in December because Father Christmas had taken them over so the elves could work through all the children's Christmas lists......

    Matt, your grandad was adamant that eating toast ‘would dry up your blood’! So your mum, in the dead of night, used to nick bread from the kitchen, toast it on the electric fire and feed it to us all.

    Child’s revenge- I do remember my dad lying to my Nan and telling her his car(which had a volume lever by the steering wheel) was in fact voice activated, we listened to her and my great aunt shouting “louder” “quieter” at the car dashboard for ages! 🙄

    When I was around 7/8 and wouldn't go to sleep one evening, my mum told me that my eyes would get sore and dry. That every night when we go to sleep our eyes turned around and they had essentially a window wiper style thing and got sprayed with water and cleaned ready for the next day. Fast forward to me when I was 21 in an old nursing job and thought I would pass this wisdom on to an elderly man who wouldn't sleep. Still living it down aged 26. Thanks mother PJ Johnston

    I love the one that when the ice cream van plays it’s tune, it’s to let you know they have ran out of ice cream- so cruel!

    My dad used to tell us that the 'rocket' a few miles from our house was preparing to take off every time we drove past. Its still there 30+ years later as its a fuc*king TV mast. Although I have started telling my 2 year old exactly the same thing....

    My dad told me that all children were born girls and if they were really good then at 6 they would turn into boys - yes i have had therapy which he should have paid for.

    I’ve started lying to my kids. It’s surprisingly easy once you start. The tooth fairy only gives money for teeth that have been cleaned properly for example. X

    + View more comments

    Load more
  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

    Breastfeeding

    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.

    _______________________________________

    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…

    ———————————-

    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby