– Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.
– No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.
– Really, why not?
– It’s Health and Safety.
– mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.
– Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.
– Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?
– Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?
– Certainly, How would you like it?
– Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.
– But, …that would be a cup of hot water.
– Now you’re catching on.
– We can’t serve you that.
– Why not?
-It’s Health and Safety.
….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.
Man vs Baby’s Matt Coyne is from Sheffield, South Yorkshire. In September 2015, Matt’s life was turned upside down by the arrival of his son Charlie. After three months of parenthood, he logged on to social media and wrote a viral post about his experience of having to live with ‘a furious, sleep-murdering, unstable and incontinent, breasts-obsessed midget lodger’.
Following this, Matt created Man vs Baby, which now has over 360,000 followers. And has written two Sunday Times bestselling books based on his parental triumphs and disasters, the first entitled: ‘Dummy’ and the second ‘Man vs Toddler’.
He has also written for The Guardian, The Telegraph and GQ Magazine.
Matt lives in Sheffield with his son Charlie, his partner Lyndsay and a Jack Russell terrier with ‘issues’ called Eddie.