How Man vs Baby began… (pinned post)

So, three months after my little boy Charlie was born I wrote a post on Facebook… this is it. “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and

Night Garden – Shit Houses

Night Garden – Shit Houses

Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy). At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be

Parenting.. and a story about a box…

Parenting.. and a story about a box…

…One Sunday afternoon many years ago I had to get a box out of our loft. I opened the loft hatch, lowered the ladders, went up into the roof space and found the box I was after. It was full of comic books and it was heavy. Really heavy. And so the sensible thing to do was to wait until Lyndsay came home so that she could help retrieve it.

Now this is an amazing story…

Now this is an amazing story…

Now THIS is an amazing story. Even if it is accompanied by the usual bonfire-pissing comments about ‘messing with nature’ and ‘playing god’. Fertility science, from IVF to cutting edge stuff like this, is dogged by these attitudes, especially online. You need no licence to use the internet and that means that even those amongst us with brains that function like a potato, are allowed to drag their knuckles along

F**k off about Parent and Child parking spaces.

F**k off about Parent and Child parking spaces.

This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK… Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap. And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a

‘Sparing the rod’ ..or how not to be a piece of shit to your kids.

Man vs Baby

Just seen the news footage doing the rounds of that piece of shit father ‘smacking’ his little boy. What I’m most appalled by is the number of people supporting him. People insistent that: “I was smacked as a child and it never did me any harm.” Okay, maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t. I used to play a game with my brother called ‘Rochambeau’ in which you take it

1st Day at School

1st Day at School

So, its Charlie’s first day at school. Just dropped him off and I thought I’d come home and post something funny about it… And I have got nothing. It feels like I’ve been punched in the heart. He’ll be fine, but it feels like my best mate has headed off on an adventure to which I’m not invited. And now I’m sat at home like a shit musketeer. A Hardy

BING BUNNY, A REVIEW (*SPOILER* HE’S A WHINY LITTLE ****).

BING BUNNY, A REVIEW (*SPOILER* HE’S A WHINY LITTLE ****).

BING the most popular kids show during lockdown!? (..saw this headline and thought I’d share a snippet of this bit from #ManVsToddler.) “The main character in Bing is a massive-headed rabbit in dungarees, who constantly fucks everything up and then whinges about it as though it wasn’t his fault in the first place. (That’s the entire premise.) The other main character is Flop, Bing’s guardian. It is not clear whether he

An open letter to CBeebies

An open letter to CBeebies

RE: ‘BEDTIME HOUR’ Dear CBeebies, I am writing to complain about ‘Bedtime Hour’.Since becoming a parent I have very much enjoyed your programming. I love almost everything about it; from Hey Duggee to Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures. Yes, Abney & Teal’s a bit shit, Bing’s a whiny dick and the Tumble family can be a bit unsettling (I’m just going to say it: Mr Tumble, Grandpa Tumble, Polly Tumble, there’s not

WHY BAKING WITH KIDS CAN JUST F*** OFF.

WHY BAKING WITH KIDS CAN JUST F*** OFF.

Whilst scrolling through social media, I often come across parents and children enjoying quality time and bonding over a shared love of baking. These pictures are usually incredibly sweet. A toddler, with a little apron tied at the waist, perhaps a smear of chocolate on one cheek, smiles happily at the camera, as they and their mum cheerfully show off a tray of perfectly crafted brownies. Beneath which appears a

“Do you even like kids?”

Man vs Baby

I was once asked at a book event/signing whether or not I thought Postman Pat waxed his balls, (don’t ask). This is not, however, the strangest question I have ever been asked. The oddest question I have ever been asked was just this week, and it was this: “Do you even like kids?” …It was a snarky question asked by a woman who, as it turned out, had a problem

Man vs Toddler – Sunday Times Bestseller!

Man vs Toddler – Sunday Times Bestseller!

Dear all! Quite an emotional couple of days in our house.. as we got the call to say that as of this weekend ‘Man vs Toddler’ will be a Sunday Times Bestseller!? I know. Nuts. Dreams do come true.. not the ones about having a gold-plated car, massive wings and being hung like a Minotaur but.. some dreams.. well, they do. So THANK YOU. Once again, to every one who

Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

Breastfeeding

[from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”. Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the

Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

[from the archive] …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific. Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it? It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant

Never argue about nappy changing again…

The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system. There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a

So, Charlie is two years old today.

So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place… ———————————- “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and

Tough week…

Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own.. Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit. Anyway, to

That time I accidentally called a woman’s baby ‘Hagrid’

That time I accidentally called a woman’s baby ‘Hagrid’

So, this week, I accidentally called a woman’s baby: ‘Hagrid’. To explain…when I very first posted about this parenting stuff, I suggested that all babies are indistinguishable and that they all look like Ross Kemp. (What I actually said was that all babies look like one of the Mitchell brothers.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil). Anyway, after eight months I’ve started to be able to distinguish between

So, we’ve just come back from Charlie’s first holiday…

Man vs Baby

One or two people were a bit judgey about the idea of taking a 6-month old away. “So, you’re taking him on holiday?” Yeah. “Abroad?” Yeah. “Somewhere hot??” Yeah. “On an aeroplane??” …By which point I was tempted to answer: “No, me and Lyns will be going on the plane, but we thought we’d get Charlie there by driving him to Dover and firing him out of a f*cking cannon”.

Baby Fingernails/Claws

Baby Fingernails

You know how fast Wolverine deploys his claws.. ? That’s basically the same speed a baby’s fingernails grow. You can cut them, file them, angle-grind them..turn your back for 5 minutes, turn back again.. and there he is.. Edward Scissorhands, lying in his cot, ..raking his own face again, until he looks like one of the cenobites from Hellraiser. I’m sure our Health visitor thinks that in between her visits