…One Sunday afternoon many years ago I had to get a box out of our loft. I opened the loft hatch, lowered the ladders, went up into the roof space and found the box I was after. It was full of comic books and it was heavy. Really heavy. And so the sensible thing to do was to wait until Lyndsay came home so that she could help retrieve it.
So, three months after my little boy Charlie was born I wrote a post on Facebook… this is it. “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and
This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK… Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap. And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a
[from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”. Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the
[from the archive] …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific. Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it? It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant
The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system. There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a
So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place… ———————————- “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and
– Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food. – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water. – Really, why not? – It’s Health and Safety. – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core. – And? – Well, the only difference between those
So, this week, I accidentally called a woman’s baby: ‘Hagrid’. To explain…when I very first posted about this parenting stuff, I suggested that all babies are indistinguishable and that they all look like Ross Kemp. (What I actually said was that all babies look like one of the Mitchell brothers.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil). Anyway, after eight months I’ve started to be able to distinguish between
One or two people were a bit judgey about the idea of taking a 6-month old away. “So, you’re taking him on holiday?” Yeah. “Abroad?” Yeah. “Somewhere hot??” Yeah. “On an aeroplane??” …By which point I was tempted to answer: “No, me and Lyns will be going on the plane, but we thought we’d get Charlie there by driving him to Dover and firing him out of a f*cking cannon”.
You know how fast Wolverine deploys his claws.. ? That’s basically the same speed a baby’s fingernails grow. You can cut them, file them, angle-grind them..turn your back for 5 minutes, turn back again.. and there he is.. Edward Scissorhands, lying in his cot, ..raking his own face again, until he looks like one of the cenobites from Hellraiser. I’m sure our Health visitor thinks that in between her visits