You know how fast Wolverine deploys his claws.. ? That’s basically the same speed a baby’s fingernails grow.
You can cut them, file them, angle-grind them..turn your back for 5 minutes, turn back again.. and there he is.. Edward Scissorhands, lying in his cot, ..raking his own face again, until he looks like one of the cenobites from Hellraiser.
I’m sure our Health visitor thinks that in between her visits we enter him into underground knife-fights. every time she asks how things are going and we reply that everything’s fine.. I’m just waiting for her to follow up with “really,? So, how come he looks like you’ve locked him in a cupboard with a fucking puma?”
(please, don’t suggest the answer is scratch mitts.. there’s more chance of keeping a pair of sunglasses on Voldemort)
Man vs Baby’s Matt Coyne is from Sheffield, South Yorkshire. In September 2015, Matt’s life was turned upside down by the arrival of his son Charlie. After three months of parenthood, he logged on to social media and wrote a viral post about his experience of having to live with ‘a furious, sleep-murdering, unstable and incontinent, breasts-obsessed midget lodger’.
Following this, Matt created Man vs Baby, which now has over 360,000 followers. And has written two Sunday Times bestselling books based on his parental triumphs and disasters, the first entitled: ‘Dummy’ and the second ‘Man vs Toddler’.
He has also written for The Guardian, The Telegraph and GQ Magazine.
Matt lives in Sheffield with his son Charlie, his partner Lyndsay and a Jack Russell terrier with ‘issues’ called Eddie.