VUELIO 'PARENTING INFLUENCER OF THE YEAR 2020' - BLOGOSPHERE 'INFLUENCER OF THE YEAR 2019' - 'SPACE HOPPER CHAMPION, BUTLINS SKEGNESS 1989'
The comedy and chaos of real-life parenting
…One Sunday afternoon many years ago I had to get a box out of our loft. I opened the loft hatch, lowered the ladders, went up into the roof space and found the box I was after. It was full of comic books and it was heavy. Really heavy. And so the sensible thing to do was to wait until Lyndsay came home so that she could help retrieve it.
This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK… Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap. And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a
BING the most popular kids show during lockdown!? (..saw this headline and thought I’d share a snippet of this bit from #ManVsToddler.) “The main character in Bing is a massive-headed rabbit in dungarees, who constantly fucks everything up and then whinges about it as though it wasn’t his fault in the first place. (That’s the entire premise.) The other main character is Flop, Bing’s guardian. It is not clear whether he
RE: ‘BEDTIME HOUR’ Dear CBeebies, I am writing to complain about ‘Bedtime Hour’.Since becoming a parent I have very much enjoyed your programming. I love almost everything about it; from Hey Duggee to Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures. Yes, Abney & Teal’s a bit shit, Bing’s a whiny dick and the Tumble family can be a bit unsettling (I’m just going to say it: Mr Tumble, Grandpa Tumble, Polly Tumble, there’s not
Whilst scrolling through social media, I often come across parents and children enjoying quality time and bonding over a shared love of baking. These pictures are usually incredibly sweet. A toddler, with a little apron tied at the waist, perhaps a smear of chocolate on one cheek, smiles happily at the camera, as they and their mum cheerfully show off a tray of perfectly crafted brownies. Beneath which appears a
I was once asked at a book event/signing whether or not I thought Postman Pat waxed his balls, (don’t ask). This is not, however, the strangest question I have ever been asked. The oddest question I have ever been asked was just this week, and it was this: “Do you even like kids?” …It was a snarky question asked by a woman who, as it turned out, had a problem
[from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”. Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the
– Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food. – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water. – Really, why not? – It’s Health and Safety. – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core. – And? – Well, the only difference between those
Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own.. Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit. Anyway, to
One or two people were a bit judgey about the idea of taking a 6-month old away. “So, you’re taking him on holiday?” Yeah. “Abroad?” Yeah. “Somewhere hot??” Yeah. “On an aeroplane??” …By which point I was tempted to answer: “No, me and Lyns will be going on the plane, but we thought we’d get Charlie there by driving him to Dover and firing him out of a f*cking cannon”.