• This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.

    _______________________________________

    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • Facebook Posts

    12 hours ago

    Man vs Baby

    Following my earlier post, Mums have been sending me/sharing these pictures all day.. of their fellas .. carrying their little ones in slings and baby carriers. I was asked to go on GMB to talk about this and declined, but I’m now thinking I should send the ‘unmanly’ fella in the middle in my place..😂 it would make great tv to see him rip out Piers Morgan’s spine on live TV and hold it aloft like Predator. ... See MoreSee Less

    Following my earlier post, Mums have been sending me/sharing these pictures all day.. of their fellas .. carrying their little ones in slings and baby carriers.  I was asked to go on GMB to talk about this and declined, but I’m now thinking I should send the ‘unmanly’ fella in the middle in my place..😂  it would make great tv to see him rip out Piers Morgan’s spine on live TV and hold it aloft like Predator.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Not just daddies but big brothers too. Bringing them up to be real men

    You want manly?! DONE! 😂

    I feel like you’re all trying to explain the obvious to Piers Morgan💩 -the image below explains why we all shouldn’t bother! 🤣

    Is carrying them in a carrier on your back up mountains emasculating too??!...if so can you not tell my husband for a few years because I ain’t carrying her 😂😂😂

    My husband's attempt at baby carrying! This was a few years ago but I remember laughing hysterically for a good 10 mins before helping her into it properly 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

    My husband carried my boys, I have the most beautiful photo somewhere of my youngest being carried by him in a woven sling. 😍 Here’s a photo of my boys carrying their teddies like their mummy and daddy carried them! 😍

    My wife is going back to work full time. I’ll be a full time dad while running my dog walking business. Without baby wearing this would not be possible. I might not be the most ‘manly’ of men, but I will raise my daughter (who will grow up thinking she’s a dog) while earning a living.

    No slings here, definitley too big 😂 but after knee surgery who needs crutches when you have a great daddy!!

    Kerry Fox this is literally mummy porn, it goes in the same folder as Tom Hardy reading bed time stories on CBeebies

    In my husband's words "if I'd known how much of a chick magnet babies were I'd have had one years ago". How is being swamped by women unmanly??? Just for the record my husband told the horde of woman I'd died to lap up a bit more attention! 🤣

    A dad doing dad things like this is literally the most manly thing in the world. Piers Morgan is literally the most c*nty thing in the world.

    No pics unfortunately, but I used to take my daughter in a papoose to pick my son up from nursery. Daughter in the carrier, son on my shoulders, felt like a fucking MegaZord

    You’re assuming Piers Morgan has a spine!!

    I call for a march on the ITV studios by Dads with baby carriers. If my wife will let me use ours that is (carrier not baby)

    Why is being emasculated a bad thing? Most of the women I know are badass. Here’s my husband multitasking like a female boss.

    What a cockwomble Piers is! My hubby’s the most blokey bloke ever....drives a van,swears like a docker,the list goes on but he used to carry our daughter proudly in a carrier AND let her paint his nails to “make daddy look pwetty!” cos that’s what REAL men do!!!

    Funny old thing: he may think they’re “unmanly” but I also think that hacking people’s phones is *undignified* and *immoral*. But who am I to cast such aspersions...

    Nothing more manly than a good dad, who doesn’t give a shiny shite about what crinkly ball sacks like Piers Morgan think 🙄 The absolute wank puffin.

    I have carried my baby in a front carrier only a couple of times; I am petite and not especially strong, so struggled to do so once he was a few months old. The rest of the time, his daddy and his gramps have shared the carrying duties! Both my husband and father feel it is an honour to carry our beautiful boy. How ridiculous it is to suggest that this task, whoever performs it, is anything less than a privilege!

    Please please please! Would make mornings much more enjoyable than just shouting ‘if you don’t get dressed I’m taking you to school in your sock and pants’

    Does Piers Morgan even lift?

    I think we should be more concerned that Piers can’t differentiate between Daniel Craig the person and 007 the character!

    He carried both our babies from when they were very little but I only have this pic of him and our youngest when she was 2. Just daddy and babby bimbling around together ❤️

    My hubby would always carry our son for me as I have really bad back/hip pain. Just a dad doing what a dad is meant to do!

    When these kids are grown up they won't remember how "manly" their dads were, they'll remember how much they loved them and the time they spent with them.

    + View more comments

    20 hours ago

    Man vs Baby

    Imagine being such a monumental arsehole that you think that a dad holding his baby is less than ‘manly’.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    That said, I completely understand Piers Morgan’s terrible fear of being emasculated. Emasculation means the removal of the male sex organ.. and the man is about 98.9% dick. If you removed everything of Piers Morgan that could be considered ‘penis’ you’d be left with just his fucking socks.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Imagine being such a monumental arsehole that you think that a dad holding his baby is less than ‘manly’.  
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
That said, I completely understand Piers Morgan’s terrible fear of being emasculated.  Emasculation means the removal of the male sex organ.. and the man is about 98.9% dick.  If you removed everything of Piers Morgan that could be considered ‘penis’ you’d be left with just his fucking socks.Image attachment

     

    Comment on Facebook

    When Piers Morgan is half as manly as Tom Hardy I’ll listen.

    Here's me being less manly.

    He’s only jealous as his wife wouldn’t let him hold his kids for fear of infecting them with imamassivecockwombleitus

    Piers laid his children as a clutch of eggs and waited to see which one ate the others. That's why he's confused by parenting.

    My sexy husband wearing our newborn son and our daughter wearing her baby doll. 😍 ... they're checking out a nest of ants on a daddy daughter adventure 😊 There's nothing manlier than a man who is involved with his kids!! Piers Morgan is a total arse indeed. ... And of course James Bond would baby wear, you can't deal with assassins if your arms are busy holding the baby or pushing a pram!

    My favourite picture of my now-toddler and hubby - he was unaware it was being taken. Took him 2 weeks to make this Chewbacca baby carrier by hand when my daughter was in hospital (he never left her side) so he could carry her everywhere and to match her Teddy bear winter jumpsuit. 🙂 x

    Just put him and Katie Hopkins in a locked room and leave them to it... 🙈

    We loved babywearing and just look at that bond being made between a baby and his daddy!

    John York rocking the baby wearing ❤️😍 Nothing sexier xxx

    Nothing better than wearing a sling and walking up the stairs in a shopping centre watching everyone with a buggy que for the lifts 👌😂

    I literally couldn't think of anything more manly and sexy than a man who is there for his children, someone who steps up and wants to bond with their baby and carry them around with them. My husband loves to keep our babies close and moans at me all the time because I hog the pram and the baby sling. Watching him with our children makes me love him even more

    Well said. What an absolute cock he is. I hate it when people stop boys playing with dolls. Shit! He might turn out to be caring and a good parent 😱 the horror!!!

    My lovely hubby Guy Taylor carrying our daughter! 🙌😍🙌

    Piers Morgan vs Baby wearing dads! I know who I’d bet on!

    Piers can fuckin do one 🖕

    A real man doesn’t give a f*ck what knob heads like him think! #DadsThatCarry

    My baby-wearing husband drinking a very manly beer!

    My hubby and our son Braden!!! Xoxo

    I can't claim this as my own but: The name's Bond-ing, James Bond-ing. In other news, if we stop reacting to Morgan and other ridiculous people, they won't get the air time they need to survive.

    Only real men wear babies! Next Bond? Sign me up 👍🏼

    Piers can do one!!!

    You can't chase your wife around if your pushing a buggy.

    It doesn't get better than this

    One of my favourite photos Chris-Duffer 😍

    Here's my husband looking unmanly! 🤦‍♀️

    + View more comments

    2 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Genuinely pleased to hear the news that Meghan and Harry are expecting their first little un’. There will no doubt be sleepless nights, confusion, a fair few tantrums and tears.. And that’s just the Daily Mail readers shitting their pants at the prospect of a brown baby in the royal family.

    #Congratulations #RoyalBaby #wevegotashitloadofbabystuffifyouwantit #butyoullhavetocollect
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Genuinely pleased to hear the news that Meghan and Harry are expecting their first little un’.  There will no doubt be sleepless nights, confusion, a fair few tantrums and tears..  And that’s just the Daily Mail readers shitting their pants at the prospect of a brown baby in the royal family. 

#Congratulations #RoyalBaby #wevegotashitloadofbabystuffifyouwantit #butyoullhavetocollect

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Look at this fucking stupid comment I found somewhere else .... 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

    I'm genuinely happy for them but I wish they could have waited just one more day. Announcing the news on international baby and pregnancy loss remembrance day is a pretty insensitive.

    I think it's more of a dick move they announced it at Eugenie's wedding. I would be well pissed off if my cousin did that 😂

    Brown ginger baby, Margot from Surrey is going to be apoplectic

    Harry's dad is said to be over the moon at the news he's going to be a grandad

    Man vs baby you should send them your book so they know what to look forward too 😂😂

    There have been comments about how "old" she is. She's only 37, a year younger than I was. Cheeky buggers.

    Haha, you just reminded me of the Wayne and Waynetta sketch that Harry Enfield did years ago. "I want a brawwwn baby"

    We went to Whoopi Goldberg’s gig in Leeds on Saturday night and she says she always get a laugh thinking about the faces of the royals when they see Meghan and Harry’s baby for the first time and it’s just gonna be Whoopi starting back at them!! I don’t think she realised it’d be quite so soon!!

    Maybe they can call it Terry ... chocolate orange

    Don’t forget too that this will mean a foreigner will be in line to the throne .... That’ll get some heated debate going .... 🤣🤣🤣

    I'm genuinely happy for them but hate that the press keep calling her Meghan markle.... that's not her name any more!

    They won’t have a single sleepless night. I’m sure their army of nurse maids and nannies will see to that.

    Haha brilliant! A “parasitic brown baby”. They’re all so original 🙄

    Brown and ginger.......

    Laura makes me think of your mum 😂 Sophie Chloe

    Sam Newton the hashtags 😂

    I've stopped reading the news, just wait for your updates about it. Much happier world! Xx

    The hating scum have been out in force on social media since the news broke. Dickheads. I’m proper happy for them 😊

    Oh dear ...so much predudice... What differnce does the colour if the baby's skin make ..its their child so if the mother or the father is of mixed race then so what. It wont come as a big shock to all the small minded people on here when its born will it.

    IRN-BRU have said it well. "Everyone loves a wee Ginger #RoyalBaby"

    Why do people have to be so mean. Congratulations to Harry and Meghan and every other couple who have just found out they are expecting. Wishing them all the joy that our children brought to us... Not forgetting the sleepless nights etc etc etc....sure someone will buy them a special book! And who cares what hair or skin colour the babe has, as long as it is well.....

    Stop being so nasty why comment if you have nothing nice to say cant believe these comments!!!!!

    Ah that warms the very cockles of my heart

    Hahahahaha I love your updates

    + View more comments

    7 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    I've read a lot this morning about how mental health should be treated with the same compassion and understanding as physical health. For me, there was no distinction. The way that I felt when I struggled WAS physical. It was those physical symptoms that fed my anxiety and panic like coal being shovelled into the furnace of a steamtrain.

    I was a kid when it started, sixteen, seventeen. I couldn't swallow food. I would become so obsessed with my breathing that I would forget how to do it. I had absolutely no energy, like I wore big diving boots and as though I carried a needy version of myself on my shoulders wherever I went. I became so tired I felt as though I was peering out of a derelict house rather than my own body. And I began to haunt my own life, a pointless ghost going through the motions without moving in any particular direction at all. My own brain became an intruder. my imagination went from friend to enemy as I assumed the worst of everything and everyone. I slept with the light on, not because I was afraid of the dark but because at times I didn't know where it stopped and I started. And I was terrified because I knew I couldn't climb out of the pit I was in, because at the time I WAS the pit, a black hole that would swallow the energy and light out of everything that came into my pathetic orbit.

    To make matters worse, I was surrounded by people who loved me. But I couldn't tell any of them that i was in trouble. because.. this would have made it all real. And if that sounds bat-shit crazy.. well, yeah, that's kind of the point.

    So its World Mental Health Day and the purpose of the day is to alleviate the stigma of mental health. Which is incredibly important, ...but for today I have a more personal message for that one person who may be reading this. That person who might recognise themselves in my experience. That person who, at this moment, might feel alone and foolish and like they are in a permanent state of grief for who they were or the person they would like to be.

    For you, my message is simple. Right now, it may sound like a lie, like a trick but I promise you it isn’t:

    Please read the above. I have felt like this. I do not feel like this now.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Ive read a lot this morning about how mental health should be treated with the same compassion and understanding as physical health. For me, there was no distinction. The way that I felt when I struggled WAS physical. It was those physical symptoms that fed my anxiety and panic like coal being shovelled into the furnace of a steamtrain.  

I was a kid when it started, sixteen, seventeen. I couldnt swallow food. I would become so obsessed with my breathing that I would forget how to do it. I had absolutely no energy, like I wore big diving boots and as though I carried a needy version of myself on my shoulders wherever I went. I became so tired I felt as though I was peering out of a derelict house rather than my own body. And I began to haunt my own life, a pointless ghost going through the motions without moving in any particular direction at all. My own brain became an intruder.  my imagination went from friend to enemy as I assumed the worst of everything and everyone. I slept with the light on, not because I was afraid of the dark but because at times I didnt know where it stopped and I started. And I was terrified because I knew I couldnt climb out of the pit I was in, because at the time I WAS the pit, a black hole that would swallow the energy and light out of everything that came into my pathetic orbit.

To make matters worse, I was surrounded by people who loved me. But I couldnt tell any of them that i was in trouble. because.. this would have made it all real. And if that sounds bat-shit crazy.. well, yeah, thats kind of the point.  

So its World Mental Health Day and the purpose of the day is to alleviate the stigma of mental health. Which is incredibly important, ...but for today I have a more personal message for that one person who may be reading this. That person who might recognise themselves in my experience. That person who, at this moment, might feel alone and foolish and like they are in a permanent state of grief for who they were or the person they would like to be. 

For you, my message is simple.  Right now, it may sound like a lie, like a trick but I promise you it isn’t:

Please read the above. I have felt like this. I do not feel like this now.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    My name is Em and I am supporting World Mental Health day. I have anxiety and am prone to depression, along with panic attacks. I have dealt with my mum leaving home when I was 14, coped with 4 miscarriages, beaten Pre-Natal Depression and Post Natal Depression. I used to self-harm and on bad days I constantly struggle not to still do it. I have crippling anxiety and worry every day that something will happen to me or my loved ones. I have thought about committing suicide more times than I care to remember and I think the thought will always be in the back of my mind. But I'm OK. I'm normal. I'm not afraid or ashamed. I am not different to you or anyone else, I just suffer with my mental health. Let's get rid of the stigma surrounding mental health. Let's not not talk about it because we must have a stiff upper lip, or because we might embarrass someone or make them feel uncomfortable. Instead, invite them into your home, to your world and let them talk if they want or just be if they don't. My name is Em and I struggle with my Mental Health and if you do too you are welcome round mine for a cuppa any time you want! #worldmentalhealthday #letstalkmore

    Thank you so much for sharing this so eloquently. I think you've just described my 21 year old daughter. I'm watching her slowly slip further into the abyss, yet have no clue how to help. She refuses all medical intervention. What do I do?

    So Matt thank you for this because its a good place, where many people with kids come, to bring up Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services - CAMHS - and the long wait for treatment for children and teens going through the experience you have so eloquently described. You see all the celebrities saying talk about mental health etc., but if kids can verbalise their mental health issues, all that's going to mean is a long wait. Adults would be prescribed anti-depressants if they needed them immediately. Under 18s have to wait to see a psychiatrist through CAMHS. In some areas the waiting lists are around 1 year to 18 months (if you can get onto the waiting list that is, many are turned down and have to try 2 or 3 times) and during that time the child/young person will normally get worse and worse - if this results in a suicide attempt it may bump them a few weeks up the waiting list - maybe not. When people see all the messages about World Mental Health day they think it means hey, just talk about it don't be ashamed which is great, but if you are a parent watching your child being destroyed it means we talked and there were no services offered as a result. There was a Panorama documentary a few weeks ago which barely scratched the surface of the crisis in child mental health services. Young lives are being lost, education not received, kids not being able to go to school, the knock on effects can last years and cost more money in terms of additional support services.

    Really well put, there have been times in my life that I have felt so dark that I couldn’t imagine feeling better again. I have had 3 nervous breakdowns although never sure what to call them. I have a lovely family, good life and great friends and yet at times felt like I couldn’t carry on living. I am pleased to say that I know how to help myself now, I regularly see a councillor to “keep on top of things” I do take some medication but feel like it enhances my life and not hinders. I suffered childhood trauma which keeps rearing its ugly head but are trying not to let it beat me. I have often felt like I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep as it would be easier than dealing with my thoughts. To all around me this seems ridiculous in light of circumstances but mental health problems are not measurable, and they don’t just disappear overnight. When I was at work, in the past I have struggled to get people to understand because they just think “what has she got to be stressed out about”. This is in a time when mental health issues probably has the biggest amount of support, my company even have a mental health awareness week and yet aren’t particularly aware. I have my children, husband, family and friends to keep me going, they know when I struggle and I talk about it!! That’s the best advice I can give, these things can’t be solved by themselves u need to talk to address the problem, my gp has been great, if no-one else then that would be my first contact. 😀

    Fuck me ... I think I finally 'get it'. I've tried hard but sucked at understanding depression having not suffered it myself but knowing and loving some very special people who do - thank you for sharing that so eloquently and evocatively. I think I understand now and it will help in the way I engage.

    I am grieving who I was and who I want to be but stuck in this life of pain with no family left but me and my 2 boys. I hate what my soon to be ex husband has done to me and I’m suffering from heart ache and I am angry and sad every day. I wish my parents were alive to help me and say, “Come home”

    “grief for who they were or the person they would like to be.....” possibly the most perfect description I have ever seen...

    I struggle with anxiety and panic, and am prone to depression as well. Have been since I was a kid, but no one understood mental illness the way most do now. I attempted suicide when I was 17. I'm 31 years old now, and my eldest daughter now struggles with anxiety. My second eldest has shown obvious signs of trichotillomania, but I'm not sure if that's a symptom of something else yet. The first time I noticed, I went into my room, I closed the door, and I bawled. All I could think was, "How did I screw up?" I came from a whole lot of chaos and abuse, so I always assumed that's why I struggled with my mental health, but I was wrong. Now my kids are struggling with theirs, and all I can do is seek treatment and love them through it. Otherwise, I was powerless to prevent it from happening to them. I made sure they had good lives, made sure they always knew they were loved, and they have a much better childhood than I ever did, but it wasn't enough. I've had to come to terms with the fact that it's not always within my control. It's hard struggling with your mental health, but it's even harder being a parent to children who struggle with theirs. I keep going though. My life is better than it's ever been, despite my struggle. I'm glad I'm alive today, and at the very least, my children have an advantage over their disorder... They have love and understanding, and family who will fight with them and for them through it all. 💖

    Thank you. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you for not saying “you need to relax and take a chill pill” (happened to me at work last week and funnily enough, didn’t cure my shitting anxiety). And thank you for your funny as fuck book and FB posts; you never fail to make me smile 😁 x

    The worst is when you wake up like it for no apparent reason. Sweaty palms, elevated heart rate, wide eyed and panicking and I have no idea why today. And no, I don't tell anyone about it, because what's the point?

    I read this and cried, without warning like someone pulling a plug on my life for the better Thankyou. You dont know me I just follow your page but Thankyou. ☺️

    In the past I have apologised to my doctor when visiting with some complaint my anxiety has manifested...and saying please understand my mental health hurts as much as any physical pain. Lucky for me she does. I’m feeling good now, but I’ll always consider myself recovering, and not ashamed to admit it. Thank you for sharing.

    This is a great post, but it would be very helpful if you also mentioned how you got help/got better, please.

    Thank you for sharing. I remember too. 1/3 of my life (maybe more) were just like that. It got worse because i was also loved and cherished. I felt that i disappointed not only my family but wasted the wonderful life i was blessed with. That i took a life with opportunities from someone who deserved it more than me. If i wasn't there someone more deserving would be given my place in the world and do something great with it. But it got wasted on me, just a waste of space and stole every breath i took. Im happy to say that I dont see myself as a waste of space anymore. 3 year ago I woke up and felt that something had changed. Something inside that had been lost were there. Just a small spark of recognition and the incredible strong feeling that it was now or never. So i started doing everything in my power to give myself the best possible chance to get better. I got sick in may 2008 when i was 19. This March i got my first real job, part time. And you know what? I have had a piece of myself for 3 years now. Even when its hard and i think i can take it anymore, i still got a piece of myself inside. And its growing bigger. I cant believe it but it's true. Gave up on doing more than stay alive and try to show everyone i love how much they mean to me. But im living, love and dream. It's still so unreal to dream!

    I wish my brother was alive to read your post, it pains me to say he lost his battle with mental health 8 years ago next month. I hope your message saves others the pain I feel everyday 💔

    My frustration is with myself, I should be able to get myself out of this, I'm a very capable and practical woman and should be able to stop this. When the kind people who try to help say things like "you need to do this...." or even worse "you have to do ...." I just shut down and usually end up in tears. I know just what needs to be done already, I just don't seem to get myself doing it. So frustrating. Mind you, your posts are a great bright spot, soooo funny and very often to the point. I love them.

    Ten years ago I was convinced my life was over. I was never going to reach 40. Clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder was all there was in my future. I turned 40 this year. I have a daughter, a husband, a degree and a new business that is looking promising. I am living proof that there IS hope. There IS reason to never give in to the voices inside your head who lie to you. I will never be “better” in a conventional sense but I am truly alive. I matter. Believe it or not, so do you. Really. Really, really.

    Well said. I have been to the cliff edge. Now like you I'm living with PTSD I have a wonderful family and some truly inspiring friends. My life today is a world apart from that cliff. You can do it , you to can walk away from the cliff edge and live a wonderful life .

    Matt, It takes real strength to write something like this. I find tears rolling down my face as I write this because people do just say they are ok when they are not, and, some days you just want to say ‘it’s okay if you are not ok, life is shit sometimes but it will get better’. The truth really does set you free, I wish we could just be more honest with each other.

    Amazing post! Thank you for sharing Matt. It’s true, it can take time and more time than you think it will or than you think you can give but it does pass. Keep talking and keep fighting for the day it starts to get better Xxx

    Sitting in work today, feeling ashamed of myself, because someone said out loud "not everyone hate like you" to me, I had been expressing concern that in this current political climate no-one would hopefully ever get hurt. I replied I have never hated anyone in my life. I found myself asking others if I come across as a person who hates, they all shook their heads, some even said they did not think I was capable of hate. I have tried to do a SMART goal in accessing why I should or should not believe the statement. It all comes to no I have never hated anyone (came close once in my life, but caught myself before it consumed me). Yet because I am a depressive and cannot see my own worth most days, I find myself descending into that hellish pit again. I am partially retired and because I'm in the WASPI age group I have to work some extra years and cannot afford not to work until I get my state pension. For the first time ever I checked out my savings and tried to work out if I put my coat on and walked out and could I survive to pension year. Yes life at times feels like I am being pulled into quicksand with no chance of getting out. Then by good fortune as I ate my lunch this post arrived on my screen and it encourages me to believe hold on for tomorrow might be better. Thank you

    Thank you for writing this... I suffered with panic attacks for almost 11 years in amongst 17 years of incredibly destructive behaviour because I hated who I was and was too scared to go and get help for fear of what people would say... These days could not be more different and a big part of that healing was finding a way to talk - it has been the most powerful tool in being loved back to life again... I hope your post is seen by someone who needs that bit of convincing that things can, and often do get better....

    Thanks matt, I'm having a pretty shitty patch right now its appeared out of nowhere. Your compassion has brought a rare smile though. Keep being you and helping without realising how powerful you are xxxx

    Your description really struck a chord with me because you could so easily have been describing me. I suppose your post and my comment are proof to anyone reading this who still feels this way that things really can get better.

    Matt Coyne, I love you fella.

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    I was once asked at a book event/signing whether or not I thought Postman Pat waxed his balls, (don’t ask). This is not, however, the strangest question I have ever been asked. The oddest question I have ever been asked was just this week, and it was this: "Do you even like kids?" ...It was a snarky question asked by a woman who, as it turned out, had a problem with something I'd written recently. I asked her to repeat the question and she said that I sounded forever ungrateful to be a dad, and it was unclear whether or not I even liked being a parent on account of how much time I seemed to spend complaining about it.

    ..I gave some inane response that she had wandered into the wrong room. And did anyone else have a question that wasn't quite so bat-shit..

    There’s a french saying 'l’esprit de l’escalier' (spirit of the staircase) it basically means realising exactly what you want to say but as you’re leaving the party. ..thinking of your response too late.

    What I wish I'd said is this:

    "Love is not a word that can hold in its pathetic consonants and vowels the way that I feel about my son. He is the only perfect thing I will ever create. But just because this is true, and I would smash planets together to make him happy, that does not mean he can't be a dick when it comes to putting his shoes on. It's not a contradiction to moan about the annoying stuff that children do. This does not cast shade on the way that you feel about them, they are just the details of that love: the brush strokes on a masterpiece.

    So fuck off."
    ... See MoreSee Less

    I was once asked at a book event/signing whether or not I thought Postman Pat waxed his balls, (don’t ask). This is not, however, the strangest question I have ever been asked.  The oddest question I have ever been asked was just this week, and it was this: Do you even like kids? ...It was a snarky question asked by a woman who, as it turned out, had a problem with something Id written recently.  I asked her to repeat the question and she said that I sounded forever ungrateful to be a dad, and it was unclear whether or not I even liked being a parent on account of how much time I seemed to spend complaining about it.

..I gave some inane response that she had wandered into the wrong room.  And did anyone else have a question that wasnt quite so bat-shit..

There’s a french saying l’esprit de l’escalier (spirit of the staircase) it basically means realising exactly what you want to say but as you’re leaving the party. ..thinking of your response too late.

What I wish Id said is this:

Love is not a word that can hold in its pathetic consonants and vowels the way that I feel about my son.  He is the only perfect thing I will ever create.  But just because this is true, and I would smash planets together to make him happy, that does not mean he cant be a dick when it comes to putting his shoes on.  Its not a contradiction to moan about the annoying stuff that children do.  This does not cast shade on the way that you feel about them, they are just the details of that love: the brush strokes on a masterpiece.

So fuck off.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    The postman pat thing btw.. it’s something to with postmen walking a lot, chaffage and the effectiveness of talc? This is all the information I have.

    I can’t put into words what your second answer means to me. Our son, beloved these 36 years, has Down syndrome. Fortunately, he has inherited our rather raucous sense of humour. I have shared many of his hilarious activities and sayings over the years. Sometimes people take it the wrong way, but his humour has been a great gift, like the brush strokes on the masterpiece. But are they annoying and embarrassing? Absolutely. Like the time there were men working on our roof, and I stepped out of the shower to find him yelling out the window “Don’t look! My mom’s naked. You’ll go blind.” When other aspects of life were tedious or difficult, it helped get us through. Parenting is long journey. We need to lighten up and enjoy it.

    Wondering if her names Ruth by any chance ?!? Unmumsy mum followers know what I mean? Has this woman 1. Got kids of her own? 2. Never ever felt hard done by by her children? And thought jeese this is a bit of a stress

    I hate it when people tell you to "enjoy every moment". Yes I realise that they grow up far too quickly and before I know it they'll have moved out and I'll miss all the chaos. However, it is unreasonable to expect someone to "enjoy" being vomited on at 4am or being screamed at because you gave them a green cup or watching Peppa Pig for the 100th time. Let's be honest about it and we may not all have a break down!

    Why do people think being monumentally fucked off with your kids from time to time detracts from the ridiculous and all consuming love you feel for them? I love my kids with a depth that shocks even me, that doesn't mean I didn't want to smash my face into the table at least 6 times today!!! And besides, what kind of shit blog would it be if you constantly chelped on about how fucking fantastic your son is? You keep doing what you are doing. Those of us who aren't complete cockwombles can tell how completely and utterly you love your son!

    I love my son but when I go to the bathroom I now send him to find me some personal space, he can never find it but it usually gives me a minute or two on my own.

    My dad’s famous quote, well one of them, was “I love you, but I don’t like you right now.”. That reassured us that however much we’d pissed him off he still loved us. Now that I’m a parent, I get it. Sounds like that old bat equates like with love.

    I went through IVF to have my daughter. I love her more than I could ever put into words. But she can also be an arsehole.

    That happens to me often and it's bloody annoying! My now 3yr old daughter used to be great at giving people a complete death stare when she was looking at them and they used to comment on it so I would laugh and say dont worry she does it to everyone it's her RBF (resting b**ch face), she gets from me. They didnt seem to see the funny side and i got a few odd looks... so i stopped saying it! 🙄 She's still my absolute world and has a stunning smile for the right person 😍😆.

    It’s the same with your partner/husband, just because their farts smell like something died up their arse or they snore so loud you have to go to bed wearing ear defenders doesn’t mean you don’t love them, I put up with this for 10 years and I was still happy to make a mini version of him... that’s true love

    I often whinge about my son's inability to sleep. People generally reply with ' awww is he teething to which I reply with no, he's just being a dick! Always funny to watch people splutter on their tea 🙂

    lets hope she sees this then ... i bet shes one of the women that chooses not to parent but knows everything there is to know ... on the flip side my daughter whilst shopping im morrisons today lifted up my t shirt and blew a raspberry on my tummy and then announced to the entire fruit and veg section that she had seen an aubergine that looked like daddys pee pee ....... analyse that one ,,,,,

    I always put up statuses bitching about my two pains in the ass, but I would walk across razor blades and salt blocks to keep the little shits safe and happy! I write it as a comic relief, not as a ‘fuck kids’ thing. They drive me insane, but I wouldn’t change it. (That’s a lie. Some things I would change. Like the smallest one managing to flick his piss in my mouth yesterday. That I would change.)

    I suffer from this condition. Usually my incredibly witty and clever response comes to me at 2 am about three days after the conversation happened 😆

    Jugders love to judge... I love my daughter with every beat of my heart and I will fearlessly protect her from anything. But ffs where are your clothes I dressed you 2 minutes ago, ect ect

    I think just the opposite, yes they drive us insane but it proves your love day in day out. There have also been days when I have read eBay terms and conditions re sales 😘😜

    My kids are amazing most perfect I have ever done but same time I could sell them on eBay. Parenthood is hard and if you can't laugh about it you and kids will end up miserable. Keep us smiling man v baby 👌👌

    Everyones kids are total bellends at some point in time, it's a fact of life. But it doesn't mean we don't love them or even love them any less when we tell other people what they've done. I would move heaven and earth and kill and die for them in a heartbeat, but when they annoy me I gotta tell someone so I can see the funny side and know I'm not the only one who has semi feral childten

    My lad just told his sister, as she was belting him over the nut with a plastic tool, "You may have a hammer, but I am not a nail". Moments later he had his bum out in front of Strictly just to wind up his Grandmother. I love him for both of these things.

    It's funny. My husband can be a dick too sometimes (not about putting his shoes on but usually something just as inane), as can my brother, friend, mum, and dog.... and yet no one ever questions if i love them any less 🤔

    Would fight a bear for my children but I accept they can be utter shitheads sometimes. The two are not mutually exclusive. Also, does postman pat wax his balls?

    It’s their job to be dicks and our job to teach them not to be. Sometimes these little dicks are exceptionally funny, sometimes they’re just downright dickish and have no consideration outside of their own little shells. As a parent there are moments you are instantly proud, and then the next day ashamed of something else. It’s our own journey, with little twats that we raise in our own image. Comments by people you don’t know who are judging you, whether to your face publicly or on the internet count for nothing. Remove the top and bottom 10% of anything public and disregard from anything. I suspect in the instance of the women you encountered, Drop Dead Fred had it right, “🖕Cobwebs”.

    The way you write makes me feel normal, and more chilled out, and probably contributes to me being a better parent. The world needs people to say all of the funny, exasperated, heartfelt, sometimes-mushy and thoughtful stuff that you say. Do you even LIKE kids? Yknow what, when kids stop being wankers on a 24/7 basis, maybe. MAYBE.

    My boy annoys me to the point of insanity every single day. But my love for him will never waver, even when I'm having the most pointless argument with him about washing up or leaving his socks under the sofa. We all have the right to complain about our mini-turds!

    World has become full of delicate head-up-there arse types which can’t see a funny side to things. My boy is my world. I’d die for him, but he can be the shoutiest most annoying little ass hat and he does my buns in. Still love the bones off him but he’s also a cock womble at times.

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    So the country’s in the shit and Teresa May comes out at the Tory Party conference dancing. 👍🏻 ..oh, wait here comes the rest of the cabinet.. ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    She's given up on "Security" and "Stability"

    But she's so human and real! I find her so relatable and couldn't be happier that she's the one leading us to our demise. Sorry freedom. Leading us to freedom.

    Theresa normally looks so hard to please, I reckon she probably is a two man job.

    Hannah Wright Ceara Metcalf Katie Powell - reminded me of today’s convo ☺️

    Thought this might make you smile Emily 🤣

    Chloe you think Theresa May is bad, wait til you see me busting some moves at the Xmas party 🤣🤣🤣

    Amy Lumsden do you follow this page? Just your sense of humour!

    Pauline Park I thought Mark Foster was a definite Will. But the more I watch it he's all 3 😂

    Michael Bird this song will always remind me of you dancing by the pool now 😂

    Lisa Davies after watching the news on tea last night 😂😂😂😂

    I’d laugh if I didn’t want to cry so hard....

    If only the rest of the cabinet had that much charisma

    Andrew Patterson Pete Czajka Craig Robson this is what you lot look like on the dance floor

    Martyn Fisher this is what I imagine you & the boys danced like 😂 .... 🍌

    Jackie! Rachel! We were talking about this today! Lol!

    Lee Pinches thought you would appreciate the video 😂😂

    Take a look at the Twitter account set up for Teresa May dancing 😂

    I'll never tire of watching this scene 😂

    they just shouldn't be allowed to dance...anyone remember Peter Mandelson jerkily elbowing along to "Things can only get better"? if only we knew eh?

    Boris Johnson propping up the bar...

    I thought she was having a stroke.

    Darren Mackenzie here’s the rest of my team 😂😂

    Melanie Horrocks I’m weeping. Watched it multiple times and every time it’s just funnier 😂

    Michelle Clark Joanna Tod Catherine Dishington Alison Harding - totally sums it up!! 😂😂

    Lucy Simmons political commentary at its finest 👌 😂

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    So, I don’t think our postie’s a fan. ... See MoreSee Less

    So, I don’t think our postie’s a fan.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    ..just shown this to my mate and he said “he’s got a point, but he didn’t have to underline it”. (Note: My mates are all twats).

    I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go looking for this one 🤣💩

    He literaly picked the Mat up and put it “under the mat” 😂😂

    Our postman rings the door bell, hides and then jumps out and says "surprise!" He is new and he is Spanish. I have no further information.

    Our postman just posted this back through our letterbox 😂

    We have no dog - only a teeny tiny cat. We were blacklisted by Royal Mail and had to collect our post from the sorting office 🙈

    That took me ages to realise he hadnt actually written Nob! 🙈🙈🙈 clearly not had enough coffee yet!

    Not Royal Mail but I still have no idea what they were trying to achieve with this🙈

    Referring to someone as a No.6 could be a polite way of insulting them... this could catch on!

    Our postie has learnt the toddler is in bed when she arrives, so she whispers...AFTER ringing our bell and hammering on the door first 🤦‍♀️😂

    Am I the only one that’s rather jealous of those delivery office opening hours? 8pm closing on a Wednesday?! Ours never stays open beyond 1pm!

    I had a brilliant one of these it said ‘packet in ya bush’. I said to my husband ‘doesnt he know how thick and bushy my bush is ill never find it! 😳. 10 mins later 👍🏻 (massive privet and lots of lil bushes in my garden)

    My postie once told me “he was sweating his nuts off”, wasn’t sure whether to tell him to flop his bollocks out in front of our fan 🤷‍♀️

    And he can’t spell!

    We had a very smart postman who hid a parcel in the gas box outside. Only problem is we didn’t have a key for it. Went to buy one and on opening I found another “missing” parcel. Did he not notice that the first one was still in there?!?

    Is he wrong?

    The rest of our street have to wait for their post, postie has to have a game of fetch with the dog before he's allowed to leave 😂

    I had a postman who kept pulling the letters back through the letterbox whenever I tried to take them... took me a full 10 minutes of death glaring to get the damn things.

    Our postie is brilliant. He worked out that my father in law lives on the same road, as do both my brother in laws. Anything for us ends up at their house, anything for them ends up at ours

    If I see my postie on the street and ask if there's a anything for me he looks at me like I've just shat in his satchel.

    My postman decided to leave my parcel behind the wheelie bin. Not as simple as it sounds. He dragged the wheelie bin from the side of the house, put it on the door step in front of the door, then put said parcel behind it 🤦‍♀️

    We once received a Christmas card for number 6... at our old flat, written just like this. My partner was genuinely wondering why someone would write a card to him as Nob 😂😂

    Mine last week banged on the door because he couldn’t get it through the letterbox. Usually one would remove the elastic band from the massive wedge of post first to allow it through 🤦‍♀️

    NOB = Nice One Bruvva (Said in a Danny Dyer voice). Could of course be an insult or your neighbours house number but having DD as your postman seems more fun.

    My posties are lovely, once one of them jumped out of the van with a shopping bag and asked to go out the back and pick some lemons haha

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    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ME: “Hi God, with Charlie turning three this week, I wanted to say a massive thank you for getting us through the ‘Terrible Twos’, its just great to know that we’re through the worst of it and that...

    GOD: “BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!?...

    ME:

    GOD: “...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH .. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!??.oh fuck..! You’re Serious! (*Wipes tear*) ..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”...

    ME: “Ok, What?”
    ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Right.. so, just so I understand correctly from your comments.. the terrible twos are just a warm up? and they just get progressively more bat shit until they leave home at about 18? Great.. I’ll start drinking during the daytime👍🏻.

    Sailed through the first 2 years, patting ourselves on the back wondering why everyone else was moaning so much...........then he got a MIND OF HIS OWN! And OPINIONS! NOBODY TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE OPINIONS!

    I've been told it's the first 30 years that are the hardest. After that you can tell them to fuck off when they want something.

    Yeah we survived the terrible twos, managed to wrangle a wild threenager and now live with a category 10 fournado. It’s like a threenager but makes far more more mess... I made peace with the ‘evolution of infant’ some time ago when I realised that the ‘joy of parenting’ is a total myth, a bare faced lie told by sleep deprived and stressed out parents to their non parent friends to make them feel better about their lives. Just go with it, things will probably work out.👍

    My two year old is a law unto herself. She is not so much as traditional toddler diva, more of a Hollywood stunt woman with Viking blood. She gives not one shit. I get judged a lot. I am exhausted.

    my child who has just entered the "fucking evil fours" actually wieleded a pool que on holidays at me screaming don't touch me... and hid under the plane seats on the way there screaming "stop hurting me"..... Assholes the lot of them.

    My 2.5 year old had a tantrum the other day because I wouldn't let him drive the car. Only 15 years to go.

    Everyone keeps telling me, wait til they are 3, wait til they are 13, wait til they are 16 etc etc. So I'm going with we are pretty fucked for some time yet... 😂

    When my daughter turned 3 it was like someone had replaced her in the night with a demon. I honestly considered calling in an old and young priest for an exorcism a few times.

    The next two phases are nicknamed threenager and fournado. We're approaching fournado now.... I'm bruised from light sabers, battered by NERF bullets and walk with a limp from standing on rogue Lego but we made it and you will too 🙂 hope he has an amazing birthday x

    Wait till they are 8....nearly as big as u with a stinky stroppy attitude! Yep, nobody told me either! Whoever u do DO NOT have another. It's not company, or someone 2 play with, it's their mortal enemy 4 all of time

    So glad to see all the threenager comments! I genuinely got my health visitor to come out to check there was nothing wrong with my 3 year old his tantrums are that bad! Haha

    Mine are 14 & 16! The 16 year old is vaguely helpful, as he can cook and load the washing machine. The 14 year old hibernates and only makes appearances for food. Make the most of the fact that they want to interact (even if having a tantrum) with you 🙄

    My oldest was an angel when she was 2. I was proper smug. On her 3rd birthday she turned into a possessed demon child. I've always said she skipped the terrible twos and went straight to the god damn awful threes lol

    Don't worry, the terrible twos are replaced by the intolerable threes. My only advice is 'never kneel down to their level' - that's when they attack, be it sliming your clothes, sticking their thumbs in your eyes, or their head in your bollocks. Stand tall and you will survive. Good luck!

    I’ve got one who is turning three in 9 weeks time (and boy do I bloody know it) and one who is 18 months who is having worse tantrums than the other one ever did 😩. I think the next 18 months may be fuelled by alcohol and Prozac.

    two was a walk in the park with my son. Now every other sentence seems to start with the word 'No' and contradictions are everywhere. Threenager pain. Fingers crossed it stops at 4!! 😂

    My 4 year old stropped the other day when I picked him up from school because I disagreed that his school uniform was black (it is mid-grey with a pale blue shirt!). The strop lasted for about 40mins all the way to the car, all through teatime and until bathtime...at which point, large gin in hand I conceeded yes in fact his uniform is completely black. After which he dissolved again because he disagreed! Fml! 😭 #tiredkidsareknobs

    For the first two years of my Sons life, I’d look at him with a tear in my eye wondering how on earth will I be able to ‘let him go’ (to school/sleepovers/Uni/leaving home etc etc) then a wise Mum said “They make you let them go!” ... I get it now!... The terrible twos,threes,fours,seventeen’s etc etc are nature’s way of making the inevitable ‘leaving of the nest’ separation just a little bit easier! 💔

    Almost every conversation is followed by me shouting “stop arguing with me!” The she rolls her eyes and huffs at me.... she turned 3 on Tuesday. 🙄🙈😫

    My just 5 year old didn’t want to go to the circus but being the grown up she is she didn’t paddy or cry she just said with a twinkle of evil in her eyes “well I’m going to take so long to eat dinner we can’t go and if we do go I’ll just scream all the way through it” When we left she had loved it but kids are mental!!

    Oh my gosh 3 is so much worse! My son turned 3 in July and he is a monster!! I’ve been investigating boarding preschools but apparently they don’t exist! Matt let’s start one!

    Our nipper turned into a "threenager" last week and is already answering back like a pro, dictating what he will and won't eat, and choosing his own very unique way of dressing 😩

    Hey my nearly (give it 17 days) 2 year old lourd me In for a cuddle tonight... Looked me dead in the eye smiled arms wrapped round my neck then proceeded to headbutt me twice 😩😢😭💪😜

    Managed to get to 7 before it went wrong. He developed opinions! Now nearly 9 with an answer for everything, knows it all and a very argumentative streak. God help us when hes a teenager...unless hes peaked too soon....😁

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    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    So, Charlie boy, this happened 3 years ago. Just 36 months. ..Say it fast and it doesn’t feel like the last time I had a warm cup of tea or a piss in peace.

    It’s a strange feeling to look at this first picture. As much as I loved you when you were born, I realise now that I loved you in that first moment because of WHAT you were... And three years, on as I sip my 4-hour old piss-cold tea.. I now love you because of WHO you are. And that’s very different.

    Because who you are is a thing to behold.. you suddenly have a personality that can not be denied, any more than we could deny a lion in our front garden. It roars and it bites. You are passionate, frustrating, dumb, perfect, smart, mad as tits and you are better than me in every way that matters. And you are the only perfect thing me and your mum will ever create.

    Maybe, just maybe, hot tea’s over-rated.

    Happy birthday sunshine.

    Dad x
    ... See MoreSee Less

    So, Charlie boy, this happened 3 years ago.  Just 36 months.  ..Say it fast and it doesn’t feel like the last time I had a warm cup of tea or a piss in peace.   

It’s a strange feeling to look at this first picture.  As much as I loved you when you were born, I realise now that I loved you in that first moment because of WHAT you were... And three years, on as I sip my 4-hour old piss-cold tea.. I now love you because of WHO you are.  And that’s very different. 

Because who you are is a thing to behold.. you suddenly have a personality that can not be denied, any more than we could deny a lion in our front garden.  It roars and it bites.  You are passionate, frustrating, dumb, perfect, smart, mad as tits and you are better than me in every way that matters.   And you are the only perfect thing me and your mum will ever create.

Maybe, just maybe, hot tea’s over-rated.  

Happy birthday sunshine.

Dad xImage attachment

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Happy 3rd Birthday Charlie and Dont worry Matt, there will come a time in the near future where he'll be making a cup of tea for you, although until you show him how to do it properly it'll still taste like piss

    Happy 3rd Birthday Charlie just so you know it doesn't get better I haven't had a piss in peace in 18 years only difference is now I can scream in his ear when he's driving

    Very well said, just this morning my newly turned 3yr old son cried as he didn’t want to wear pants for nursery, then cried as we fought to put them on him. Then cried as he wanted to put them on himself. Then within 30s was asking for a pancake as he had been a really good boy!!!! Kids drive you crazy then make you laugh in the same sentence. Bring on the second one!

    Happy birthday Charlie! To the Dad: loved your book, truest thing about little ones I’ve ever read. Mine turns 3 next month. Any chance of a “Man vs Toddler” appearing? I’d love to buy it.

    Ice tea is very popular in warmer countries. Maybe your just need to pretend your somewhere hot lol Happy birthday Charlie!!

    Does anyone get the feeling this is a social media Truman Show...except it’s 100% better, educational and funny as fuck...happy birthday Charlie boy! May you jump on your dads balls for many years to come!

    Hot tea IS overrated...says the mom who spilled an ENTIRE MUG of freshly brewed tea all over herself this morning. My almost-3 year old learned some new words today.

    That’s a wonderful way of putting it - loving them because of what they are to start with but then falling in love with who they are as they grow. It’s a beautiful chaos this parenting stuff 💕

    Ah feck. I've only just pulled myself together after touring a potential primary school for next year. Happy Birthday little man, you're treasured x

    I'd never thought of it this way. Unlike a lot of mums I know I hadn't "developed a bond" already with this child inside me, I think I was in denial really. But I did love him as soon as I saw him, though I wasn't sure why and was quite surprised at myself. Now I love who he is; his sense of humour and intelligent wit, his ability to connect things I wouldn't have dreamed possible at this age, to problem solve, to be selfless and so kind and touching, and to be a little git- there's definitely a bit of my stubbornness there. But he is his own person, And we are facilitating this incredible (and frustrating at times, lots of times) journey. He amazes me everyday and I'm amazed at us, his parents. Two very ordinary folk doing what feels like (and I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this), the extraordinary task of binging him up. Enough seriousness, can I hashtag ...#feelingblessed 🤣🤣🤣

    I love your ability to articulate parenthood so eloquently. In one sentence you’ll have me belly laughing and then shedding a tear. Keep up the good work 👍🏻👏🏻

    Happy birthday Charlie! I’ve always thought we were at similar stages to your posts ... no wonder as it’s our little boys 3rd birthday today too!

    So lovely, my son is three in just under two weeks and I feel the same. He does my head in sometimes but not only do I love him because he’s mine. I genuinely really like the person he’s becoming, even if he does treat me as a human climbing frame

    Happy Birthday to your kid, and happy 3rd anniversary of the greatest feeling in the world. Also: never microwave cold tea, always make a new one.

    My son turns three next month. Perfectly sums up how I feel about him too. Might have to share this on the day 😊

    Get an insulated travel mug! Best parenting tool I’ve purchased so far 😂 Even if I leave my drink for 8 hours it’s still hot!

    This is such a perfect explanation... that's exactly it, you love your new baby because of WHAT it is, but you love your 3 year old because if WHO they've become. Nail on the head 🙂

    Happy 3rd birthday Charlie xxx

    Happy Birthday Charlie. Thanks to Your wonderfully funny Dad, I have “watched” Your growing up almost as closely as my own kids’. You’re in good hands 😉 All the Best 🎂

    What a fab way to describe the rollercoaster of emotions that come with being a parent. Stu Bear Sounds very much like our little man.

    Happy birthday Charlie 🎂 this is spot on - my kids are monsters sometimes - but when they come out with something so funny you can’t breathe for laughing you realise how lucky you are x

    Soppy sod...but i know what u mean;for my two terrors 7&3...!st came just before my 60th and second for my retirement, so living my life back to front!

    Happy Birthday Charlie. One day I hope you’re as proud of your dad as he is of you. Until then, keep driving him crackers. Xxx

    Jacob Dobson every part of this true, tosay you are 19 years old, and i couldnot love you more, or be more proud of you. Your dad and i created someone who outshines what we ever had. All my love beautiful boy x

    Have a great day, Happy Birthday Charlie 🎈

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    4 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    I love Dr Ranj with all my heart. Not least for his ability to chat anti-vaccination without slamming his head and massive eyebrows into the This Morning desk in despair. He perfectly exposed the problem of anti vaxxing on the show today.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Dr Ranj: All scientific evidence, millions of kids observed over thousands of studies.. vaccinations are safe according to almost every healthcare professional on the planet.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Kirsty: Agree to disagree.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Such a shame there’s no vaccination against stupid. (...actually, even if there was one these fucking idiots wouldn’t get vaccinated anyway .. because they heard somewhere on Facebook that it makes your arse fall off).
    ... See MoreSee Less

    I love Dr Ranj with all my heart.  Not least for his ability to chat anti-vaccination without slamming his head and massive eyebrows into the This Morning desk in despair.   He perfectly exposed the problem of anti vaxxing on the show today.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Dr Ranj: All scientific evidence, millions of kids observed over thousands of studies.. vaccinations are safe according to almost every healthcare professional on the planet.  
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Kirsty: Agree to disagree.
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Such a shame there’s no vaccination against stupid.  (...actually, even if there was one these fucking idiots wouldn’t get vaccinated anyway .. because they heard somewhere on Facebook that it makes your arse fall off).

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Incidentally, I’ve been accused this week of talking about vaccinations to be ‘controversial’ in an attempt to get more followers!? Erm... ok. Actually, I lose followers every time I mention it.. and I have messages from American and British parents who have bought my book and physically returned it to the shop for a refund because of the bit about vaccinations... so.. no.. I only bring it up because it’s 2018 and we shouldn’t be arguing about whether the earth is fucking flat or not.👍🏻

    ...Me waiting for someone to post a link to ONE single creditable, peer-reviewed piece of research that links vaccines and autism.

    Well, I fucked this up 😂

    I’m on the fence about vaccination. I think a civilised debate is always appropriate. But it’s not something I purposefully get into conversations about. Over 200,000 people follow you, support your content and enjoy you. Some of those will definitely be anti-vaxxers for their own personal choice. Bad experiences, illnesses, because they don’t like them. And you’ve just publicly written a status demeaning them, judging their abilities as parents and called them a whole heap of horrible names. I just think it’s unnecessary.

    Point is, this isn't about our children. My kids, touch wood, are totally healthy and will have all the vaccinations recommended for them. This isn't to keep my children safe - this is to protect the poor little sods with compromised immune systems and illnesses that mean they can't be vaccinated themselves. There's a bigger picture and more important reason for getting this done and it isn't all about me!

    At least if their arse fell off they couldn't talk shit out of it any more.

    Me and the husband run a dog boarding kennels and doggie daycare. By law, every dog has to show a full vaccination certificate before entering. Yet, this is not required for schools or nurseries. The dogs have more protection than children. I think that vaccination should be compulsory for schools and nurseries (legitimate medical reasons aside), or, failing that, there should be a system in place so that once a school or nursery as a population has a vaccination level that falls below a certain percentage, a warning letter should be sent to parents so that they can choose to take their children elsewhere. As it stands, I have no idea how many unvaccinated children mine have to mix with on a daily basis, and I think that’s unfair.

    I watched this. I cannot begin to contemplate the stupidity of people sometimes! The ‘agree to disagree’ comment - I don’t know how he refrained from ripping up the studio!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

    Even if vaccinations did cause autism (which they don’t) or even caused a limb to magically fall off, would I rather that and then still have my child that I would love regardless ...umm yes!!!! If you’re more bothered about autism/disability than potential death then you need to get in the sea.

    "if everyone else is vaccinated why should i worry?" Cause Kirsty. its not our job to protect your bloody kids......its yours!

    Everyone knows your bum only falls off if you unscrew your belly button 🙄😂. Antivaxxers should be made to live on an island away from reasonable people so that their ridiculous decisions don’t affect others!! Or maybe we could just push them all off of the edge of our apparently flat earth along with all of those dingbats too 🙄.

    Yeah, I don't trust healthcare professionals about vaccines but I'll still go to them if my kid gets sick. The irony.

    I like to think an anti-vaxxer falls off the earth every time I have a flu jab or vaccinate my kids...bonus points when you get a flu jab whilst pregnant 💉❤️

    If there was a vaccine to make my arse fall off I'd have it!

    Vaccination programmes must cost the NHS a FORTUNE. I understand (kind of) paranoid Americans thinking it is all a money spinner but do people really think if the cash strapped NHS could get away with saying "we are not convinced it is safe so we won't do it anymore" that they wouldn't? Yes there are cases where it has caused reactions or disabilities and that is terrible, but it isn't the vaccine, it is the individual's reaction to it, which unfortunately cannot be predicted (but thankfully is far less common than no reaction at all). To refuse them is like never letting your kid have nuts or cows milk "just in case" they are allergic... with the added downfall of possible death or maiming by a preventable illness 😢

    This boils my piss it really does. Autism is not caused by vaccines regardless of what some absolute jizzbiscuits say. Even if it was,I'd rather take my chances of my child having autism than being dead from some horrible disease. As it happens,I have 5 children,all fully vaccinated yet only my 4th child is autistic. These anti vac knobs make no sense!

    God people don't realise how fortunate we are to have access to vaccines!! I honestly don't think people are educated enough to realise how harmful these diseases we vaccinate against can be!! X

    Nothing but gratitude and praise for Dr Ranj and the terrifying Tweenie things on Get Well Soon. I've been in and out of lots of doctors and nurses for various reasons for 3 months and my almost-3 year old loves every second of every visit - she takes her stethoscope and plasters to show them, and isn't the tiniest bit scared or nervous of any of the procedures or machines. Blessings on Cbeebies. Antivaxxers can fuck right off though.

    My daughter aged 3 ish used to watch Dr Ranj on CBeebies. She then gave me an absolute bollocking for treating her "Vitus' ( Conjunctivitis to the rest of us) with saline solution instead of the eye drops that Dr Ranj advised.

    If you're on the fence, you need to read some actual facts on the subject, instead of believing shit on the internet. The study that showed vaccines could cause autism has now been retracted, because it's a crock of shit. If you don't want to vaccinate, don't let your kids near anyone else's, simple. Keep them locked away.

    Just wait until you have to watch Get Well Soon on CBeebies then we’ll see if you still love him with all your heart.

    What I don’t understand is how you feel if your child died from one of these illnesses you could have had them vaccinated against! I would never forgive myself!

    I have a 10 year old who has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. She was vaccinated. Do I regret getting her vaccinated? Hell no! Reagrdless of whether it caused her condition (which it didn't) or not, vacconations are so important!

    Anti vaxxers 😂😂😂😂 Most of us prefer EX VAXXERS .....because something horrific made us stop vaccinating our children ....for me it was encephalitis.... My 6 nearly 7 year old son is brain damaged and cannot talk, smashes his own head in every day 💔 Wears nappies and probably always will.....I worry what will happen to him when I die !!!!!! I'm really not sure how all scientific evidence, millions of kids observed over thousands of studies and almost every healthcare professional on the planet can say they are safe when there hasnt been a study on the safety of vaccines in over 32 years.....in 1986/7 I believe they were ruled unavoidably unsafe .....inserts listed SIDS & Autism as side effects just a few years ago but since changed to sleep apnea and encephalopathy But hey what do I know

    This really really really upsets me. I was one of the unlucky kids who had a severe reaction to the Mmr. Very rare to happen and Could have happened to anyone but it happened to me and I’ve been very ill. I have had no immunity to any of these diseases all my life because i wasnt allowed to have the booster. There is a chance my kids could also have a reaction and so I have chosen to not get them vaccinated. Every time I see these posts I get so upset because it’s made out like there is absolutely no risks associated with vaccinating your kids and that mums who worry - regardless of their reasons - are stupid. Some people genuinely cannot and should not be vaccinated. I’m not saying don’t vaccinate - my kids have had all their other vaccinations but I’m too afraid to give them the mmr. I’m not posting this to scaremonger because my reaction was extremely rare but don’t judge everyone until you know their stories; their views might be based on actual fact and not just on hearsay and you don’t know how they feel about it.

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  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.

    flowchart1

  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

    Breastfeeding

    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.

    …..

    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…

    ———————————-

    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.

    www.facebook.com/manversusba

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby

  • Tough week…

    Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own..

    Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit.

    Anyway, to alleviate Lyns’ concerns about leaving Charlie in the care of a f*ckwit, I promised to keep in touch…

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

    Texts

  • Book Tour Dates 2017

    Thursday April 20th – SOLD OUT! The Man vs Baby Rave/Book Launch, Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield
    https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/man-vs-baby-rave-book-launch-party-tickets-32865483546?aff=es2

    Thursday April 27th – Sheffield Waterstones (Orchard Square) 7.00pm – 8.30pm – £3.00 incl glass of wine
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne/sheffield-orchard-square

    Wed 17 May, Chorleywood Bookstore, Chorleywood, – £8 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    http://chilternbookshops.co.uk/events/evening-scummy-mummies-matt-coyne

    Thurs 18 May, Reading Waterstones, Reading – £5 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne-and-the-scummy-mummies/reading-broad-street

    Wednesday 14 June, Urmston Library, Manchester 7.30pm This is a free Wordfest event. Book online at Eventbrite, phone 0161 912 3189 or email libraries@trafford.gov.uk

    Saturday 16th September – Chiswick Book Festival, details to follow..