• This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.

    _______________________________________

    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • Facebook Posts

    5 hours ago

    Man vs Baby

    I want my money back. ... See MoreSee Less

    I want my money back.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    RAA RAA

    Always knew she was fake.. nothing is ever that "Fantastic !" 🙃

    As a primary school teacher, let me tell you almost every day of my working life is one of a cheerful persona as well.

    I thought the reality behind this story was that HMRC was claiming she was an employee, despite having no pension options, sick pay or holiday pay. She’s actually self employed and therefore able to claim back on business expenses

    I want tax relief on putting up with people’s bullshit in general. Every time I paste on a smile or nod sympathetically I want a fucking rebate. Instantly. Out of their mouths. A tenner each time.

    Could Piers Morgan claim tax breaks for performing Good Morning Britain in his Twat persona?

    Dean! Exactly what you were saying yesterday! 😂😂😂

    I’m not sure where anyone would get the idea that actors don’t pay tax 😂

    Haha it’s true we all are forced to be someone we aren’t in a job. We all should be tax free.

    Every time I go to work I feel like I’m performing a song and dance routine. Really I should be wearing a boater and twirling a cane whilst singing.... At home I’m a grumpy cow

    Teachers definitely fit into the acting category too 😋

    I'm a nurse. Nuff said..... 😂

    Does it count for a telephone voice and faking sympathy for customer service? 😂

    BBC got it wrong initially! #notphotoshopped

    You and every customer service person globally!

    Cannot bear the woman but read earlier that this could actually be the case as the cheery persona she put on in front of the cameras isn’t the real her at all. Apparently she’s a nightmare in the studio, reportedly having regular hissy fits - one in particular because they cut away from her show to report on the Brussels bombing.

    Ohhhhhhh this

    I know this is a joke but really? She didn’t make the claims. She is self employed.

    I think I’ve demonstrated excellent acting skills when restraining from loosing my shit on a daily basis

    Omg!! Does that count? Because every professional nanny has to put on the happy face and a show every day! #ShowMeTheMoney

    Excellent news! 25 years rebate over here please ✋ should be able to retire early on that payout

    I work in retail...say no more

    Collette Mensah mate I actually had this exact same thought when I read the news on Lorraine

    Neil. I feel this describes you on a deeply personal level - here's to your rebate!

    + View more comments

    3 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..Not sure how ‘Moon and Me’ is supposed to help kids sleep. It’s creepy as balls. It’s only been on a few weeks and after first seeing this Pennywise-looking motherf**er, I’VE barely slept a wink.

    (I saw one reviewer say that it makes sense that they called this character ‘Colley Wobble’ “because it gives you the colleywobbles..” Bollocks, if that was how it worked.. it would be called the ‘Shit-yer-pants-Inducing Bejesus Clown’.)
    ... See MoreSee Less

    ..Not sure how ‘Moon and Me’ is supposed to help kids sleep.  It’s creepy as balls.  It’s only been on a few weeks and after first seeing this Pennywise-looking motherf**er, I’VE barely slept a wink.

(I saw one reviewer say that it makes sense that they called this character ‘Colley Wobble’ “because it gives you the colleywobbles..” Bollocks, if that was how it worked.. it would be called the ‘Shit-yer-pants-Inducing Bejesus Clown’.)

     

    Comment on Facebook

    ..waiting for CBeebies HQ to arrive and give me some stick.. they’re late.

    If pennywise and makka pakka had a baby !!! 😱

    Nowhere near as scary and annoying as these two

    I had to do a double take on this shifty guys name 😆

    I would watch this on repeat over b*@tard waffle the c#:ting wonderdog

    Daughter thinks her brother is moon baby...

    These are the same people that did In the Night Garden and Teletubbies. I’m convinced the creators are a) from another planet, b) on a combination of some serious illegal substances or c) living in an underground bunker and have never seen the light of day

    Looks like Makka Pakka's unhinged evil brother

    My five year old insisted on binge watching every episode. As the credits rolled on the last one she turned to me and said “it’s not for me mum. Think I’ll stick with go jetters” 😂🤡

    Onions! Anybody else's partner walk around randomly shouting onions, which their child then repeats er repeatedly lol xx

    Why can’t we have lovely friendly characters like they had in my youth....😂

    My two year old has an actual onion in his dolls house now. Every so often I have to swap it for a new one (so it doesn’t go mouldy 🤢) 😆

    I'd volley that fu***** onion into next week. It genuinly pains me to hear "Onions".

    What’s the deal with Dibillo? He’s in a permanent coma and they have to drag him around on a cushion everywhere! What kind of fuckery is this?!

    And they keep it in a bag under the stairs. Presumably they keep throwing the bag in the river and it just reappears under the stairs!

    What a load of Tiddle Toddle!

    I’ve been teaching the kids to say “gerrin the bag Collywobble” in a menacing cockney accent

    Looks like baby Freddie Flintoff 😳

    We are not allowed to watch it around my 5 year old anymore, after she had a nightmare involving Mr Onion continually yelling ‘ONION’ in her face.

    Our lives are significantly happier with Mr Onion in it!

    Crikey! My Son is 11 now, but is this the lovechild of Macca Pakka & Upsey Daisy?

    I've never seen that episode of Simpsons ...... "Krusty the Clown takes Ketamine"

    And Collywobble is a GIRL!! Yikes. Incidentally my 2 year old is OBSESSED with this show and it gives me 20 minutes of peaceful joy every day. The whole damn show is weird but then the giant inflatable, slowly-creeping harhoos in In the Night Garden are just as friggin' sinister and kids gobble up that shit.

    Looks like it eats souls. That's my nightmares for tonight sorted.

    Fun fact - the silly song is sung by Michael buble!

    + View more comments

    6 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Someone took my post about trying to go to the toilet with kids in the house and made it into a sign for her bathroom door. 😂 She’s laminated it and everything..🤣🤣🤣 ... See MoreSee Less

    Someone took my post about trying to go to the toilet with kids in the house and made it into a sign for her bathroom door. 😂 She’s laminated it and everything..🤣🤣🤣

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Btw! The whole story and context to this post is in the 2nd chapter of the new book. With the subheading A SHIT IN PEACE.😂👍🏻. www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

    ‘Muuuum what’s an atom’ ‘What does lead to gold mean?’ ‘Why have you put this on the door’ ‘Muuuuuuum’ 😏😏😏😏😏

    Before Xmas last year I had the shits. Really badly. Anyway our bathroom swings open unless you slam it shut but in my haste to get to the loo I didn't slam it. Meanwhile downstairs I'd left the tiny tyrant with his baby sister, a DPD driver banged on the door like a copper with a warrant, TT decided to investigate this. TT announced through the letterbox that mummy was busy making poo bubbles and they stank. LOUDLY. TT and DPD driver had a bloody good laugh about this. Does anyone have anything that would cover that? 😳😂😂😂

    We have 3 toilets in our house and they always find me #toiletstalked #neverpooinpeace #thedogsareasbadasthekids 🤪

    I had 3 yr old and 1 yr old in a public loo today because they both needed a wee before we set off home from the zoo. The almost 4 year old question, while the hand dryers were off, mum why do you have a hairy bum. Ffs

    Last week I was ‘ill’ - I won’t go into too much graphic detail but lets just say I had a stomach upset....my toddler still insisted on joining me in the bathroom & proceeded to sit on my knee🤦🏼‍♀️😳🙄💩🤢#ffs #noprivacy #18thbirthdaystory

    This is my son, checking in on me - now that he reads I should put up a note 🤣🤣🤣

    My 4 year old can turn the lock from the outside. I'm both impressed and slightly concerned.

    I'm changing my TAMPON... fuck off!

    Oh if only the dog could read too...

    when i was pregnant my kids used to wait for me to have a bath then all decided they needed a shit. stuck in the bath as a 4 year old pushes one out in the same room will haunt me forever.

    I lock the door (their 2 & 3 and can fend for themselves for 5mins) but my 3 year old has worked out you can unlock using his toy screwdriver or a coin after seeing me lock it from the outside to stop them playing in the toilet 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

    Can you make this a “rip out and keep” page in your next book please Matt?

    My 3 year old little girl ALWAYS needs the toilet when I've just sat down on it. We only have one. Even when I pre-empt it by asking if she's sure she doesn't need to go before I go. 'No, Mama. I don't need to go Mama.' I think she's actually mastered the world's best torture technique 😂

    I've just got a new puppy so it seems he's already had the memo regarding everyone following mummy to the toilet, so now I have to pee with 5 and 3 yr old boys and a 1 year old puppy, I suppose I should be grateful its only the dog that tries to shove his nose down the loo whilst i'm on it and not all 3 of them!!!!!🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

    So true, but now applies to cats, too.

    That's proper mum behaviour laminating it! 😂

    You should get it printed onto wooden plaques, they’ll fly off the shelves

    Scott Mitchell Lay this is the sign I need for our toilet door! Someone will need to read it to Rodney though 😂. XxxxX

    It's when they then tell the world, Dadi Mami can't put as to bed as she's having a massive diaoreah (however spell it) no I'm not, but thanks that. Eldest also once told the postman "I have to get the door as Mami is in the shower and Dadi is hungover!!"

    My 2 year old tells me “I need privacy mama” but she won’t give me any

    My kid is 11, still won't leave me alone to do my business 😂 think I shall put this sign on the bathroom door, the time it takes them to read it is all I need haha.

    Especially when he just wants to tell u he’s picking his nose😂😂 x

    I’m so used to it I can’t wee without an audience now 🤷🏻‍♀️

    Make these into T-shirt’s and posters and that’s me sorted for birthday and Christmas presents for all my friends, forever! 👌🏼

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    FREEBIES! GIVEAWAY! etc. So, the new book isnt out until April 18th but if you’re thinking of buying a preorder of ‘Man vs Toddler’ as a MOTHERS DAY gift, just DM me a screenshot of your purchase and your address and we’ll send you a set of these three prints and a signed card to include with your gift. (It is completely free.. but I’ve only got 100, so first come first served. And it’s UK only and doesn’t include frames, I’m not made of money😂).

    www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067
    ... See MoreSee Less

    FREEBIES! GIVEAWAY! etc.  So, the new book isnt out until April 18th but if you’re thinking of buying a preorder of ‘Man vs Toddler’ as a MOTHERS DAY gift, just DM me a screenshot of your purchase and your address and we’ll send you a set of these three prints and a signed card to include with your gift. (It is completely free.. but I’ve only got 100, so first come first served. And it’s UK only and doesn’t include frames, I’m not made of money😂).

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Just a heads up.. people have been accidentally ordering the paperback which is not out until September. It’s entirely up to you but it’s the hardback that’s out in april👍🏻. x www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

    I'm keeping this for myself... My eldest daughter sent me a mother's day card last year saying; "Happy Mother's Day Dad... 'Cos Mum's a Twat" 😀

    The husband forgot my first ever mothers day 😭 He won't be making that mistake again in a hurry! Just pointed him in the direction of this post, because I'm a nice person and don't want to have to ruin his life all over again👨‍👩‍👦‍👦😂

    Jason Hague 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

    You've got a new book out? Kept that quiet!

    Gillian 😂

    XEvelyn XMiller ... 🤷🏻‍♂️😂

    Does it count if I pre order it for myself for mother's Day because my husband is away for months with work? 🤔😅

    Ordered 🙂. Can’t wait!

    I LOVE THAT FIRST PRINT! My boy turns 13 tomorrow and I truly believe that we've done a c Good job, he's just on the right side of weird lol x

    Alex Millington since you are fucking off on holiday over Mother’s Day. Pull your finger out 😏

    Chris Nisbet! Xx

    So I did this and sent a screenshot but you've not received it..

    Rosie Harris you should get Simon Herbert to order this for u too! X

    Ordered mine!

    I've pre-ordered for my kindle. Really looking forward to it. Haven't laughed as much in years reading as when im reading dummy!

    Mines ordered but don't know how to prove it to you,but you did thank me,does that count. X

    Will this do. X

    Any chance of making these available for purchase abroad too?

    Done, can’t wait for the book

    Done too 😁

    Done, can’t wait to read the new book!

    I've lost my preorder...

    Done!! Thank you xx

    Is it ok if it's for myself ie "from the children"?

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    The only people I EVER speak to on the phone are Lyns and Charlie. Consequently, I apparently no longer posess the ability to speak to anybody else on the phone like a normal human. I have just spoken to a bloke to arrange a time for him to put up a TV aerial on our house and just ended the conversation with “cheers mate, thanksalot, see you then.... love you.”...

    Love. you. ??

    What. the fuck is. wrong. with. me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    An hour later and I’m still sitting here, phone in hand, cringeing so badly my teeth hurt. There is no way that I can now be in when he comes to fit the bloody thing.

    Incidentally ..mentioned it to Lyns and she said that actually it was just a bit sad that we don't live in a world where he might have said it back..

    ..Lyndsay, that is not helping.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    The only people I EVER speak to on the phone are Lyns and Charlie.  Consequently, I apparently no longer posess the ability to speak to anybody else on the phone like a normal human.  I have just spoken to a bloke to arrange a time for him to put up a TV aerial on our house and just ended the conversation with “cheers mate, thanksalot, see you then.... love you.”...

Love. you. ??

What. the fuck is. wrong. with. me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
An hour later and I’m still sitting here, phone in hand, cringeing so badly my teeth hurt. There is no way that I can now be in when he comes to fit the bloody thing.

Incidentally ..mentioned it to Lyns and she said that actually it was just a bit sad that we dont live in a world where he might have said it back..

..Lyndsay, that is not helping.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Incidentally, my mum is the queen of cringe situations so I learned from the best. She went to the doctors a few weeks ago and after an initial consultation, the doc pointed to the waiting room said “do you mind just taking a seat outside” .. so my mum picked up a chair above her head and carried it outside.. the doctor just looked confused.. she thought he was testing her muscles.😂

    😂😂These comments remind me of the first email I sent to my publishers.. really wanted to impress.. spell checked and checked for grammar.. also knew I had to get the tone absolutely right.. hit send.. I’d signed off ‘kind retards’.

    I used to work as a chef/butler for a very rich/self made/very successful businessman. He asked for a bacon sandwich. I’ve got kids. I asked if he wanted “dip dip” with it. He asked what I said. I repeated it. No regrets.

    As a parent of young children 30 years ago, I was driving a customer to a very important contract meeting and spotted some bovines in a field. I exclaimed "ooh look moo cows". We drove to our destination in stunned and awkward silence.

    I once leaned over and kissed my taxi driver on the cheek as I got out!! Xx

    When I was at collage studying childcare I was also waitressing after a day at a placement at a school I went to work and have a customer his dinner and said “what do you say” 😳 he did say thank u after and 12 years later - I’m still traumatised!!!!

    When my daughter was in surgery at three months, the anesthesiologists took her from me and said „kiss“, obviously meaning for me to kiss my baby. I was such a wreck, I kissed him on the cheek🙈 And even then it took a moment for me to get it!

    My friend Emma was married to a bus driver, and she lost count of the amount of times he'd pull into a bus stop IN HIS CAR, on his day off. She'd be sat there like a lemon whilst he stared past her at the people at the stop, wondering why they weren't getting on his "bus" 😂 She said he used to zoom the car away, mortified, as he realised... 🤣

    When my very stern ex boss entered the large shared office brandishing a banana like a gun, I proclaimed to the whole office, “Look out everyone, Mark’s armed.” Mark had one arm. 🤦‍♀️ During a separate incident I felt sorry for him because we were moving offices and no one was helping him pack. I commented to a colleague, “Do you think Mark needs a hand?”. A look of horror crossed her face. He was behind me. Dear God.

    Arriving on holiday exhausted with a small child and baby, reception came and sorted out a travel cot issue really quickly for us. Meant to say a cheerful tremendous (which is weird in itself) and ended up just shouting 'horrendous' at this poor guy like I was deranged.

    I work in a school. I had a kindergarten teacher bend down to tie my shoe once day, when she noticed it was undone. I am 45 years old. 😁

    I once said it to a client on the phone, he was a director at Virgin Holidays. So embarrassed!! I also (in a separate call to same person) uttered the now immortal words "I was down on all fours with his thing in my mouth". I was referring to teaching my new rescue dog to play with his rope toy but don't think he heard me try and explain through his snorts of laughter.

    “Enjoy your meal.” “Thanks....you too.” 💀

    I asked a bloke if I could hold him instead of asking if it was okay if I put him on hold.

    It's ok you think that's bad a colleague told me she was nipping to the loo and my instant response was... That's ok don't forget to wipe... needless to say it's lucky it was a colleague with a good sense of humour or I'd have been in bother lol 🙄

    If it helps, I've forgotten myself and shouted it to patients as they leave my clinic room. "So that's 3mg every day and I'll see you in 3 weeks Mrs Smith. Take care, bye! Love you!". Only with the door open, I have the humiliation of knowing the whole waiting room heard.

    Im a childminder and when taking the children out I like to go through automatic doors, waving my arms and saying 'magic doors'(in a strange kind of voice) leading the children to think I am truly amazing!! It has been known that on a few occasions I have done this in very busy places when I don't actually have children with me!

    You either made his day or he’s sat there the same as you holding his phone thinking wtf that guy just said he loves me and is now scared to come and fit your aerial 😂

    Have lost count of the number of times my students have called me 'Mum' over the years. We have that lovely 3 or 4 seconds of silent frozen realisation then pretend like nothing happened #nothingtoseehere

    I’d like a ticket for the choo choo, I said to the adult c2c staff member. Didn’t even have my 3 year old with me.

    Like all good superheroes "Aerial Man" is probably quite used to declarations of love. And at least he is real. I regularly say "Thank you" to cashpoint machines 😳!

    It's a bit sad we live in a world if he didn't say "I know" afterwards.

    At least you only did it to the handyman. My former housemate did that with his boss when his boss called to inform him about the next week's roster, and his boss replied, "Love you too, sweetie." Things were apparently somewhat awkward around the workplace for a while after

    When you've worked in a call centre for far too long and you end your personal calls with 'thanks for your call!' You made the call. 🤦🏽‍♂️

    Nothing wrong with putting more love out in the world... however he might have some expectations when he arrives to put your aerial up now..... maybe start with drinks?! 🍻

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Charlie loves books. We read to him as part of what we jokingly call his ‘bedtime routine’. Each night we read his favourites.. The Gruffalo, The Gruffalo’s Child, Gruffalo and Friends, Gruffalo the Revenge (This time it’s personal), Gruffalo: The Last Exorcism and The Gruffalo Massacre.

    He really likes the Gruffalo.

    But he also loves Stick Man, Room on the Broom, The Mouse that Roared, stories like that. So do I. They’re books about being tolerant, understanding and kind and generally not being a dick.

    But today is World Book Day, and I’ve just listened to some professor on the radio arguing that these modern books are a bit nampy-pamby and sugar-coat things too much. He argued that we should read traditional books and fairytales instead.. because they ‘impart hard truths’ and ‘life lessons’.

    Really? .. I see a flaw in this argument.. traditional stories are absolutely fucking terrifying. I’d rather let my kid watch fucking ‘Saw 4’ than read half of that shit.

    In fact, here’s a top 5 of the stuff of nightmares that was on our book shelf when I was a kid:

    GINGERBREAD MAN

    ‘Run Run Run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man’.. Ha Ha! what a lovely tale of a man made of cake who escapes the oven and all the people who try to catch him.. how charming. Run Run Run as fast as you.. Oh fuck, he's been eaten by a fox. Gingerbread Man is dead now and being digested in the stomach of a predatory mammal.

    What a horrifying ending, just as you’re rooting for him he gets caught and scoffed. It's like watching Finding Nemo but the last scene is Nemo being caught, battered and served with chips and a pickled egg.

    HANSEL AND GRETEL

    Hansel and Gretel is a charming tale of cannibalism, child abuse and murder. In the version I was read as a kid, the story is basically this: A bloke marries a new trophy wife who doesn’t like kids so he dumps his children in the forest to die. They stumble across a witch’s house and the witch, who captures them, tries to fatten them up so that she can kill them and eat them. But in a fun twist they burn the bitch to death. Yippee. ...Seriously, how did I ever sleep?

    RED RIDING HOOD

    Another cheery story about a wolf who lures a girl to her death. The wolf eats her grandmother then assumes the dead octogenarian’s identity to trick Red Riding Hood and so eat the girl too.

    Fortunately, there is a lovely happy ending for all.. as a cheery woodcutter passing-by sees the whole thing, turns badass vigilante, shoots the wolf in the fucking head. Before cutting it open and releasing the partially digested Hood girls.

    SLEEPING BEAUTY

    So, a woman doesn't get invited to a christening and, pissed about this, she curses the newborn. Such that when she turns fifteen (rather than get dead moody and really into My Chemical Romance) she would prick her finger and drop dead. Fortunately, she doesn’t drop dead.. hurrah. just into a vegetative coma for a hundred years. Loads of people try to save her but they get caught in the thorns that surround the castle and die in unspeakable agony. But she is eventually rescued when a prince breaks in and without permission, kisses the presumably atrophied and corpse-like Beauty, reviving her with his saliva.

    CINDERELLA

    The original Grimm version of this story is a delight.. You may be asking what's so scary about Cinderella? Not a lot. Yes, it’s got the usual wicked stepmother and a couple of sisters who aren't exactly instaready hotties.

    But in Grimm's original version, one of the ugly sisters chops off her toes and another slices off her heel to fit it into a shoe. And when they are rumbled by their bleeding feet stumps they are punished by having their eyes pecked out by birds.

    And, of course everyone lives happily ever after..

    oh, except maybe the sisters who.. and I quote "lived out their lives as blinded beggars". Fucking hell.

    In a way, it’s understandable that these old stories have scared kids for years.. They were supposed to. Supposed to scare them into behaving a certain way: Be moral. Be Careful. Be sensible. Be nice to your sister or birds will peck your fucking eyes out and so on.

    But sorry Prof. .. I think we'll stick to 'Supertato'.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Charlie loves books.  We read to him as part of what we jokingly call his ‘bedtime routine’.  Each night we read his favourites..  The Gruffalo, The Gruffalo’s Child, Gruffalo and Friends, Gruffalo the Revenge (This time it’s personal), Gruffalo: The Last Exorcism and The Gruffalo Massacre.   

He really likes the Gruffalo.

But he also loves Stick Man, Room on the Broom, The Mouse that Roared, stories like that.  So do I.  They’re books about being tolerant, understanding and kind and generally not being a dick.

But today is World Book Day, and I’ve just listened to some professor on the radio arguing that these modern books are a bit nampy-pamby and sugar-coat things too much.  He argued that we should read traditional books and fairytales instead.. because they ‘impart hard truths’ and ‘life lessons’.

Really? .. I see a flaw in this argument.. traditional stories are absolutely fucking terrifying.  I’d rather let my kid watch fucking ‘Saw 4’ than read half of that shit.

In fact, here’s a top 5 of the stuff of nightmares that was on our book shelf when I was a kid:

GINGERBREAD MAN

‘Run Run Run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man’..   Ha Ha!  what a lovely tale of a man made of cake who escapes the oven and all the people who try to catch him.. how charming.  Run Run Run as fast as you..  Oh fuck, hes been eaten by a fox.  Gingerbread Man is dead now and being digested in the stomach of a predatory mammal.  

What a horrifying ending, just as you’re rooting for him he gets caught and scoffed.  Its like watching Finding Nemo but the last scene is Nemo being caught, battered and served with chips and a pickled egg. 

HANSEL AND GRETEL

Hansel and Gretel is a charming tale of cannibalism, child abuse and murder.  In the version I was read as a kid, the story is basically this: A bloke marries a new trophy wife who doesn’t like kids so he dumps his children in the forest to die.  They stumble across a witch’s house and the witch, who captures them, tries to fatten them up so that she can kill them and eat them.  But in a fun twist they burn the bitch to death. Yippee.    ...Seriously, how did I ever sleep?

RED RIDING HOOD

Another cheery story about a wolf who lures a girl to her death.  The wolf eats her grandmother then assumes the dead octogenarian’s identity to trick Red Riding Hood and so eat the girl too.  

Fortunately, there is a lovely happy ending for all.. as a cheery woodcutter passing-by sees the whole thing, turns badass vigilante,  shoots the wolf in the fucking head.  Before cutting it open and releasing the partially digested Hood girls.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

So, a  woman doesnt get invited to a christening and, pissed about this, she curses the newborn.  Such that when she turns fifteen (rather than get dead moody and really into My Chemical Romance)  she would prick her finger and drop dead.  Fortunately, she doesn’t drop dead.. hurrah. just into a vegetative coma for a hundred years.   Loads of people try to save her but they get caught in the thorns that surround the castle and die in unspeakable agony.  But she is eventually rescued when a prince breaks in and without permission, kisses the presumably atrophied and corpse-like Beauty, reviving her with his saliva.

CINDERELLA

The original Grimm version of this story is a delight.. You may be asking whats so scary about Cinderella? Not a lot.  Yes, it’s got the usual wicked stepmother and a couple of sisters who arent exactly instaready hotties.  

But in Grimms original version, one of the ugly sisters chops off her toes and another slices off her heel to fit it into a shoe.   And when they are rumbled by their bleeding feet stumps they are punished by having their eyes pecked out by birds.  

And, of course everyone lives happily ever after.. 

oh, except maybe the sisters who.. and I quote lived out their lives as blinded beggars.  Fucking hell.  

In a way, it’s understandable that these old stories have scared kids for years..  They were supposed to.  Supposed to scare them into behaving a certain way: Be moral.  Be Careful.  Be sensible.  Be nice to your sister or birds will peck your fucking eyes out and so on.

But sorry Prof. ..  I think well stick to Supertato.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Look it’s World Book Day, You can get fucked if you think I’m not mentioning my new book...😂 and accidentally dropping this preorder link here.. www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

    Some of them have stood the test of time. My favourite traditional tale is The Little Red Hen where everyone does sweet Fanny Adams to help her make the bread so when it's cooked and smelling delicious, she asks "Who would like to help me eat this bread?" At this point, they all become keen to help out so she yells "Fuck you, you lazy twats!!" and stuffs it all in her mouth right in front of them. I'm paraphrasing here, obviously.

    My child likes to read the Lidl magazine.

    I’m just going to leave this here.....

    Roald Dahl's revolting rhymes has Red Riding Hood as a gun for hire. She ends up with two wolf fur coats and a set of matching pig leather luggage. As a nine year old reading this i wanted to grow up to be red riding hood 😈

    Our son’s favourite book at the moment is The Three Little Pigs. Problems: 1. The wolf is f*cking terrifying 2. My son can’t pronounce ‘stick’ yet, instead saying ‘dick’. The wolf huffing and puffing on the dick house gives the story an entirely different meaning. 3. My husband and I decided to revisit our own childhood by finding the video of the story (Disney - the Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf). Only in our adulthood did we realise the level of anti-Semitism in it would rival that of a certain political party, AND that the pictures of Father Pig on the wall of the third little pig’s (the brains of the outfit) house are ... a STRING OF BLOODY SAUSAGES and a HAM JOINT! I was not ready for that. Give me a mouse-eating monster who lives in a cave any day.

    The tiger who came to tea sounds like an alcoholic mum who drank the shopping budget rather than buying fish fingers...

    May I recommend 'spaghetti with the yeti' or 'you can't take an elephant on the bus' You don't need to buy them, I could just recite them for you now because, despite owning roughly 17279 books, we read the same ones EVERY BASTARDING NIGHT!

    But nowadays we have this

    Beauty and the beast has always tickled me, a classic and touching tale of the woes of Stockholm syndrome 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

    It's not just fairy stories, nursery rhymes are just as bad. I was singing rock a bye baby to our youngest when our 5 year old asked if the baby died when it fell out of the tree 😱 I now sing Ed Sheeran 😂

    For once I'm going to disagree with you Matt. I read those stories you mentioned, as a child, I never felt traumatised reading them. (Except the original Cinderella I never read that til years later. But I read a book about the Disney version.) If you want to dissect these stories to that level, then the gruffalo is about lying your way out of trouble. When your lies are found out then lie some more. The problem is you are looking at these stories with the mind of an adult. When we were children we saw the positive message at the end, because that's what our parents taught us. It's all about the delivery and the parenting behind it. So in my humble opinion neither you, not the prof are right. Children just enjoy stories, and this doesn't stop as we get older. We all love a good story. Even though I disagree, I'll still buy your fucking book. Mainly because the first one was hilarious.

    My wee girl learned about the gingerbread man when she first started nursery. One day I got the ‘could I have a minute?’ from the play leader. My girl had gone a bit ‘method’ as the fox and enthusiastically bitten her pal on the back.

    Did you know that the three little pigs isn’t a true story too.....? A pig doesn’t have the DIY know how or the educational background to even build a house. The fact they outwitted a wolf (which I doubt even has a substantial lung capacity) is quite frankly, hard to believe.

    Our fave is OI DOG! Not much of a moral story but the rhymes are pretty good. I like “cheetahs sit on fajitas” myself 😂🌯🌮

    Guess who my girl is going to school as tomorrow? (And yes, that cat is cable tied to that broom)

    I studied fairy tales as part of my English lit degree and if I remember correctly, in one version sleeping beauty was also raped by the Prince whilst in her sleep state and bore him twins. Just no.

    Part of our bed time routine is to hide the book ‘You Choose’ just so we save ourselves an hour or two!!!🤦‍♀️

    Chicken Licken is a warning to science denialists.

    Go further back still and look at the earliest versions of most traditional fairy stories and you can see why Disney did what they did... Sleeping Beauty was raped, Pinocchio murdered Gepetto, the little mermaid stabbed herself because she lost the prince ... They were cautionary tales. Beware step mothers. Actually - trust no one. No one.

    What about The Red Shoes where she gets her feet chopped off and The Little Match girl who freezes to death, also Thumbelina who had a forced marriage to a big old slimy toad. I used to love my illustrated Hans Christian Andersen 🙂

    Sugarcoating the shit out of world book day over here Prof!!

    My son loves Charlie cook and his favourite book...it's only about a boy reading a book himself but he loves it!

    Gingerbread man is a cautionary tale about being a smug git.

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    😘 Love you Claire Bear x 😂 ... See MoreSee Less

    😘 Love you Claire Bear x 😂

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I’ll be buying this! Your first book really made me laugh. I’d say it was a lifeline when my little one was born. She ended up in special care as she was seriously unwell. I sent a few messages to you, not expecting anything back. It was like just telling a mate what was happening. You messaged me back, you really helped me through a tough and scary time as a first time Dad. I don’t think you truly know how much that helped.

    Just pre-ordered & threw dummy in too.... couldn't contain myself

    Claire’s just bought loads so she can burn them in her garden 🤣

    Wait you have a book out... how did I miss this it’s the first time I’ve heard of it... you really need to talk about it more. 😉

    Any chance you could skip ahead a few years? Man Vs teenage boy would be a great read for me. I know you write from experience but none of the raising boys books do! Plus you were a teenage boy one (a long time ago) draw from that experience!

    I’m willing Claire to get back in touch with you. I want to read the next instalment 😂

    #inyourfaceclairebear 🤣

    We await your next book.....'Man Vs Claire'......

    Little did she know she would affect your sales so much! #clairebearisrockinginacorner

    Claire will be back to claim commission 😂 😂

    Is Claire Bear getting commission for all the extra sales??? 🤣🤣🤣

    Claire is the best! 😂😂

    Hmmm looks like I can't pre order it in the Netherlands 🙁

    Thanks Claire. I've now pre-ordered my copy now 😊👍

    I see a lot of links for the UK amazon, but is it also available on US amazon?

    Good man next one ordered.

    Haha booorrrring 😂

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    So, I upset Claire.🙁

    Apparently, she is annoyed I keep ‘going on about’ my new book.. it’s 'boooring'. (Actually, I mention it about 1 in 40 posts but blah di blah).

    I do get that it can be a bit annoying especially when, as Claire pointed out, its not even out yet. But I do it for a few reasons.

    1. I want you to read it, I think you'll like it.

    2. Writing books is how I buy fun stuff like shoes and a roof.

    3. And I bang on about it 'before its even out' because (and this IS boring) pre-orders are dead important, its how bookshops decide whether to stock fifty copies and put it in the window or buy just one copy to wedge open the door in their downstairs bog.

    So, sorry... but not really. And if you have no interest in the Man vs Toddler book thats absolutely fine, bobby dazzler, scroll on by when it crops up, with a skip in your step.

    But if you do fancy preordering today, that would be proper great. I would wildly appreciate it.

    And... as an added incentive, maybe it’ll annoy Claire. 👍🏻
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Matt x
    ... See MoreSee Less

    So, I upset Claire.🙁

Apparently, she is annoyed I keep ‘going on about’ my new book.. it’s boooring.  (Actually, I mention it about 1 in 40 posts but blah di blah).  

I do get that it can be a bit annoying especially when, as Claire pointed out, its not even out yet.   But I do it for a few reasons.

1. I want you to read it, I think youll like it.

2. Writing books is how I buy fun stuff like shoes and a roof.

3. And I bang on about it before its even out because (and this IS boring) pre-orders are dead important, its how bookshops decide whether to stock fifty copies and put it in the window or buy just one copy to wedge open the door in their downstairs bog.

So, sorry... but not really.  And if you have no interest in the Man vs Toddler book thats absolutely fine, bobby dazzler, scroll on by when it crops up, with a skip in your step.

But if you do fancy preordering today, that would be proper great.  I would wildly appreciate it.

And... as an added incentive, maybe it’ll annoy Claire. 👍🏻
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Matt x

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Just in case you change your mind Claire Bear.. www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

    Anyone just scrolling to see if Claire has responded??!! 😂

    Claire Bear 😂😂😂 why didn't she just unfollow then?! Greatest thing I've heard recently is "this isn't an airport, you don't have to announce your departure" 😂👋

    Pre-ordering now my dear, for maximum annoyance. You kindly messaged me back the day before I gave birth to my bundle of joy. He is now a savage toddler, and I look forward to your learned insights into coping with toddlerdum. For once, nipper has gone to sleep without a fuss, and hubby and I are making the most of it, hence this drunken post!

    Next time go all out and send her this.

    😂🤣😂😂 Just literally checked my messenger to make sure this wasn’t me when i was a bit merry at the weekend 😳🙈🙈. Nope wasn’t me 😆😊 👍🏼😂 x

    Remember the days when you could just unfollow without sending a message? Pepperidge farm remembers.

    How dare you promote something you've worked so hard to make a decent living from. I shall be writing to my mp, make no mistake. #standwithclairebear

    Only when you're a parent do you consider shoes and a roof 'fun stuff'! 😂

    Here is a list of people who give a fuck

    Ok, just to clear this up, As I’m a tad confused. Have you got a new book coming out? Where can I buy it from? How much is it? What’s it about? Does it have pictures? Will I read it on the bog? Or...... Will the mrs read it during “her time” Can I read it on the tram? Will Ashton kutcher read it? Will Phil and holly reccommend it? And lastly... can my mate big Matt still sell signed ones in my local? Regards

    Just for that Claire I am going to share the shit out of this and tell EVERYONE I know to buy this book. Matt is one of the reasons so many parents feel they can do this unrelentingly difficult job. So behold my field of fucks Claire and see that is barren xx

    So.....let’s discuss the real elephant in the room. When you having number 2? As a dad with two under 5 and as I sit here putting them to bed with my two yr old telling me he can’t sleep ‘cos his foot is itchy 🙄 you should trust me when I say it’s easy with two 😂😂. Ps I’m pro-ordering the book to wedge my bog open as I’ve been using children’s cook books for now. 😂😂 keep up the amazing work fella!!

    Haven't actually Lol'd in a while bit that made me spit out a bit of my "thank Christ they have gone to bed" gin 😂

    If I wrote a book that got published I would tell bloody everyone. In a supermarket queue, parents at school, my dentist. Literally everyone!

    She clearly wanted a free book out of it otherwise she wouldn’t have bothered to make a scene. Unless she is short of jars of course...

    Well personally I can’t wait , my daughter is 18 now and reading the first book still felt so real to me . Kids are lovely , amazing and a true gift ... they are also a fucking nightmare which your never sure you will recover from . Half the time I’m not sure whether to save for my daughters college fund or just therapy . Keep doing what your doing your son may thank you one day but chances are he’ll just think he could have got there without your help x

    I love that you called her Claire bear 😂😂😂

    Never mind your boring book. I wondered if you've formed an opinion on CBeebies Moon and Me yet????

    Why would you even bother to message if you aren’t interested anymore........ermmmm do I suspect someone doesn’t love themselves Claire and wants a hug?

    Maybe send her this. I’m thinking of having it as my new ringtone! www.facebook.com/21785951839/posts/10158694536546840?sfns=mo

    Oh ha for a min I thought Claire was ur partner.....how wrong I was

    Cheers Claire, I’d forgotten to preorder. But now she’s reminded me it’s all done.

    I will now make a point of pre-ordering myself a copy as a direct result of Claire’s rudeness. (I had every intention of buying the book- but not for a while as my little ones are only 4 months- but the book will have me well prepared for toddler-hood!)

    Thanks for the recommendation Claire. 💅

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ...and in conclusion, researchers at the University of Warwick are fucking high. ... See MoreSee Less

    ...and in conclusion, researchers at the University of Warwick are fucking high.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    It's poorly worded. What they meant was 'one hour less per hour'.

    They missed the punctuation: “mothers slept an average of one hour, less than they did before.”

    I’m 34 this year and have 3 kids... couldn’t feel better.

    Are they confusing the mums with the dads? 😂

    “My child slept through from 3 weeks”. Fuck you Becky!!!! 👊🏼

    What Iggle Piggle fuckery is this?!?!

    That only works if they're comparing it to late pregnancy when your up hourly to pee, get a drink, a rennie, adjust cushions, too hot, got cramp, feel hungry and so on.

    Who on earth did they study!!???!!! People with no actual children?!?!

    As part of Warwickshire Moms FB group, we’re on to these people. We’ll find them and woke them up every 2-3 hours till they correct the results.

    Yep, cos i often did sit up rocking, quietly sobbing for 3 hours at 2 in the morning before 🙄

    That explains why I poured fabric softener in my tea yesterday 🙈

    Where is friggin Warwick anyway?? According to a study led by mums at the university of mum, they have come to the conclusion that Warwick university talk absolute shite 🙄

    That and drinking tea and watching TV all day I honestly don't know why we moan. Raising children is like one long holiday... 🙄

    Maybe the author is someone as sleep deprived and therefore bat shit crazy as the rest of us now are?!

    If this is an average, I have clearly been balanced out by Sleeping Beauty and her 100 year nap 😲

    They missed the comma. Here, I fixed it.

    I think sadly people like because of the pressure of a "good Baby" (one who sleeps well from birth). In an NCT survey it was found that 80% of mothers lied about how much their babies slept

    Wtf!?! One hour LESS?!?! Try one hour in total. If you’re lucky. And for the first 7 months of my second babys’ life...! And I was still up between 2-5am intermittently last night and youngest is 20 months now. These people should be forced to physically chew on their reports whilst mums throw heavy objects at them until they admit they are idiots. Crap like this that when desperate mums in the thick of sleepless nights read it, they feel all the more desperate because of it!! Pillocks.

    Did they do this study with 'reborn' dolls??

    I think they've confused this with '1 hour per night'. Dickheads.

    Ahahahahahahahahahaha Maybe this is a typo, ‘cause I have a 2 year old and a 2 week old, and I average an hour an night.

    Conclusive proof that academics are unable to understand the level of sarcasm that utterly sleep deprived parents reach when being asked "Does baby sleep?" in the magical first few months with baby.

    Yeah, if 'one hour' in American English means 'one month' 😂 potato/pa-bullshiz

    Where did they find their research? Google?! Put them in a room full of sleep deprived parents and see what happens 😂

    That's one hour less sleep for every hour of sleep, right?

    + View more comments

    4 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    This was a comment on my post about CBeebies Bedtime Hour 3 WEEKS AGO. It got 6.3k ‘likes’ and I’ve literally only just worked it out. 😂 ... See MoreSee Less

    This was a comment on my post about CBeebies Bedtime Hour 3 WEEKS AGO.  It got 6.3k ‘likes’ and I’ve literally only just worked it out. 😂

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Ok.. no one reveal the answer because I want to hear some guesses.. I’ve just had this in from my mate Jon.. he clearly has as much experience in this area as me😂😂

    This makes no sense because literally NO ONE flicks it.... 8000 nerve endings, that shit is going to be uncomfortable 😂

    I get the joke! But I’m a weirdo who doesn’t get the Tom Hardy fascination, or the Aquaman one! X

    I had to ask my daughter 😱😂

    For some reason I first read that as Tom Baker which would have been quite the revelation.....

    Oh for the love of God. Can someone actually say what it bloody is.. I'm going insane here.. 😱😱😱😱😳😳🤯🤯🤯🤯

    Stroking her seam? ( kinda rhymes ) gone are the gentleman’s ways of explaining bashing the bobble in the magic V 🤣

    Sipping a gin? Hitting a teen? Licking the cream?

    Tom Hardy..? Really..?... Luther, surely!

    Trying to silently laugh so I don't wake the kids. This woman wins the internet.

    Tom Hardy for the mums Maddie for the dads

    Fucking hell, Alfie Solomons reads children's stories...

    Matt Coyne never Google image 'Mary Berry Cream Pie' especially on a school computer

    Anyone else suspect there will be a huge (mostly ladies) outcry of false advertising if Tom Hardy ever does a remake of "Shaft"?

    I refuse to believe you didn’t know what she meant 😂

    Oh dude.... satellite delay of epic proportions 😂😂😂🙄🙈

    I have had to read the comments as I had no idea.. I thought kissing the screen 😂😂😂😂

    I just stared at that for a good five minutes trying to figure it out.

    I got dicking the spleen 🤣🤣

    My husband got in about three seconds. Im the same as you. Only got it today after showing the hubby, felt too stupid when it was initially posted to ask what it meant 😜

    To be fair it took me a moment. But it was comedy gold!!

    + View more comments

    Load more
  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.

    flowchart1

  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

    Breastfeeding

    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.

    …..

    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…

    ———————————-

    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.

    www.facebook.com/manversusba

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby

  • Tough week…

    Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own..

    Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit.

    Anyway, to alleviate Lyns’ concerns about leaving Charlie in the care of a f*ckwit, I promised to keep in touch…

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

    Texts

  • Book Tour Dates 2017

    Thursday April 20th – SOLD OUT! The Man vs Baby Rave/Book Launch, Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield
    https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/man-vs-baby-rave-book-launch-party-tickets-32865483546?aff=es2

    Thursday April 27th – Sheffield Waterstones (Orchard Square) 7.00pm – 8.30pm – £3.00 incl glass of wine
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne/sheffield-orchard-square

    Wed 17 May, Chorleywood Bookstore, Chorleywood, – £8 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    http://chilternbookshops.co.uk/events/evening-scummy-mummies-matt-coyne

    Thurs 18 May, Reading Waterstones, Reading – £5 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne-and-the-scummy-mummies/reading-broad-street

    Wednesday 14 June, Urmston Library, Manchester 7.30pm This is a free Wordfest event. Book online at Eventbrite, phone 0161 912 3189 or email libraries@trafford.gov.uk

    Saturday 16th September – Chiswick Book Festival, details to follow..