• This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.

    _______________________________________

    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • Facebook Posts

    2 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Hey new mums! We know you’ve got a bit on your plate.. (recovering from birth, making sure you’re mentally and physically well, keeping a brand new human alive, and all that). But, if you could please get your body ‘bikini-ready’ sharpish, so that sweaty, middle-aged men who read The Sun have got something to jerk off over.. that’d be bobby dazzler.

    #FuuuuuuckOfffffTheSun
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Hey new mums!  We know you’ve got a bit on your plate.. (recovering from birth, making sure you’re mentally and physically well, keeping a brand new human alive, and all that). But, if you could please get your body ‘bikini-ready’ sharpish, so that sweaty, middle-aged men who read The Sun have got something to jerk off over.. that’d be bobby dazzler.

#FuuuuuuckOfffffTheSun

     

    Comment on Facebook

    So true. No shame in the post baby body, whatever shape or size it is. Important thing is you feel happy and healthy. When I’d finished breastfeeding my second, my toddler was watching me get changed and asked “where have your boobies gone, Mummy?” So I explained that once the baby has finished feeding the boobies don’t need to be full of milk and they get smaller. She comes over for a cuddle and whispers in my ear “don’t worry though, you still have a lovely big tummy” 😁🤣🤣🤣

    I'm still carrying weight but my baby is only 91 months old so it's ok. Ok, seven, my kid is seven. I'll worry about how i look when im not busy worrying about my two small humans, the house, my job, my marriage and the pets

    Mine’s ready!! So what if my belly/arse/boobs look like carrier bags of jelly & I have hairy legs & probably thigh brows. It’s totally ready for a bikini, you might not be ready to look at it though.

    I’m more impressed she is on holiday, most normal people are still holed up at home treating a snatched visit alone to the supermarket like a mini break to Barcelona

    Here's a simple 3 step way to get a bikini beach body: 1) have a body 2) put a bikini on it 3) take it to the beach. Done!

    We're considering a move to England. Do people really say "bobby dazzler" over there? Just want to make sure we fit in with the locals. If someone could let us know...that'd be bobby dazzler 👍

    Helen Flanagan is a babe! She gets her boobs out to breastfeed in public and tells people to piss off lol Commenting negatively on a mum looking good after having a baby is as bad as commenting on them looking bad.. :-/

    Meanwhile, I have just managed to get dressed and ate half a packet of chocolate digestives for breakfast. The 19 month and 4 week old are fed and watered and the older one is even having a nap. I am winning more than anyone in a bikini! 😂 Nobody is ever seeing me in a bikini again...

    On behalf of all new Mums... Thank You Matt. I'm a great grandma now but it took me till about the age of 54 to tell idiots to Fuck Off. So liberating. Parents of all ages do your best and don't wait till your 54 to rebel, however its still good that your baby's first words are Dada, mama and not fuck off. X

    I had a post baby body before i even had a baby! The perks are that you're already in pretty much the same shape as before in mere hours. 😀 x

    I had my second son 6 months ago and I’m still carrying around baby weight from my first son (6 years ago). It’s articles like this that make me feel shitty about myself. Fuck you @TheSun

    I am the same size now as I was before my wee man was born 16 months ago. So technically, I'd probably still fit in a bikini. However, I'm 42, glow in the dark pale, and still breastfeeding. Bikini would barely cover nipples, and definitely not cover stretch marks. Also, it's September, it's chilly, and I'm letting my outer werewolf grow back for warmth. Come on, Sun readers, if you're brave enough.

    She probably gained about 5lb while pregnant it's no great surprise she looks incredible after because she did before so not exactly an amazing body transformation she's just a lucky cow😂 Try losing 50lbs in 13 weeks then I'd be impressed. I've lost a lot the last 5 months with my newborn-Sleep,sex,early nights and lie ins barely lost a sodding pound in weight though😂 So much for breastfeeding helps pfft!

    I was so ill and had such awful 24/7 sickness throughout pregnancy that I weighed less the day before giving birth than before I got pregnant. I was in my old jeans in days, then I got post natal depression and put on 2 stone. I don't even have that excuse. Fuck the S*n.

    I hate this crap. 7 months after having my baby I am still a long way off my pre-pregnancy shape. I spend my time looking after my baby which I suspect these celebs do not. It gives them much more time for gym and diets. Rant over. Now where are the biscuits?!

    People really need to stop buying that shit. It’s not just the S*n either, there are plenty of other shithouse publications than need ignoring. Mums, your all amazing, hard as nails and beautiful. Shape and weight be damned. Fuck anyone who makes you feel otherwise.

    Someone asked me when my baby was due and commented that I'll have my hands full, with the toddler (that was with) and a new baby. I'm not actually pregnant.

    To be fair, I know women who have snapped back into shape within weeks of having a baby, probably due to genetics. For me, I have the pleasure of carrying what looks like a deflated pillow around my middle almost three years down the line. Don't allow the media to make you feel less than because of some ridiculous post. You brought life into the world, be proud of your amazing body!

    After a 10lb baby my stomach is saggy and stretched beyond repair doesn’t stop me cracking a bikini out ... just not sure people would look at me like they do her 😂 #heyboys #comeseemysaggyskin

    Amazing how these "celeb" mums can do so in such a short space of time .... And with cash to spare from their PT sessions and childcare costs to afford a beach holiday. .... Amazing.

    Why is the Sun still being printed ?? It’s a shit newspaper if you can call it a news paper, at best it’s toilet paper !!! So what if she looks like that 13 weeks after a baby who care if she didn’t what dose it Matter ?? Why aren’t all women all shapes and sizes being celebrated for bringing babies in to the world why do we need to be told how amazing at only 13 weeks blah blah blah Boring !!!!!!!! Who care stupid Sun newspaper get a life 😝

    I had my third son almost 5 months ago and am still carrying most of my baby weight however after my first two I lost the weight naturally within a month or so not because I dieted or exercised or didn't spend my time with my babies but because if genetics and being a lot younger than I am now. I think we should just stop judging women full stop.

    My wife wrote an artical on this kind of thing and the pressures involved. Have a read 🙂 www.smallcitybigpersonality.co.uk/Praying-For-a-Chocolate-Allergy-New-Mums-Lose-Baby-Weight

    I’m due a baby in 2 weeks..... I’m make sure I get right on that! 🤰🏼😂

    These celebs have got the time and money to hire/employ/get help from dieticians, cooks, personal trainers etc! Normal mums don’t and shouldn’t have to see this stuff day in day out, making us feel bad about ourselves, when we should be happy and proud about bringing our little ones into the world!

    + View more comments

    3 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..When you’re having a crappy Monday but notice on the news that this black hole of human decency is piss-broke. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 No. it’s a real shame. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 ... See MoreSee Less

    ..When you’re having a crappy Monday but notice on the news that this black hole of human decency is piss-broke. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 No.  it’s a real shame. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I may never stop laughing. I try not to wish ill on people but it's hard not to enjoy the ill fortune of this particular shitkipper.

    It's called Karma and it's spelt - hahahhahahaha! 😘

    It’s karma!!!! Love from Tyler’s mum! 🙌

    #prayforkatie

    I know I will be blasted for this comment but I really feel for her kids; at the end of the day they are innocent and not privy to her idiocy and yet because of it they could loose their way of life, their home and perhaps their school friends. And she decided to announce this on Twitter. Jesus.

    I can see all the Tyler’s and Chantelle’s lining up to welcome her to the “breadline” 😂

    This is a lot like that time she deliberately piled on weight, to prove how “easy” it is to lose it. And then cried, and cried, and cried 😂😂😂

    www.justgiving.com/justiceforkatiehopkins Please donate generously! 😉😉 (And please READ the details before you jump on this 😂)

    Unfortunately this post is a key cause of “the black hole of human decency”. Something more powerful would be not to report on her at all. Imagine that, not only are you broke, but no one cares. Katie has made a career of being commented on. To not comment would end her relevance or status as a social influencer / protagonist

    Won't be anything new to her, she's been morally bankrupt for years.

    She makes my blood boil. She shouldn't be given any air time 😡

    I was feeling quite guilty about finding her situation amusing but looks like I’m not the only one 😂 karma indeed.

    Job centre here she comes probably being interviewed next week by Chardonnay 🤣

    Come.on. anything of value will have been passed to her hubby before her IA. Bet she's very far from broke in reality. She also won't be loving in a council flat somewhere. Google her hubby and check what he is worth.

    I think you'll find that her house and assets are in her husbands name and their debts are in hers.... They are just playing the system. Very savvy albeit morally very wrong. Oh and she gets free publicity too...

    I like her jumper; who is this woman? Does she present the weather?

    To quote my husband's Nan ... "God pays debts without money." Like, literally, in this case 🤣🤣🤣

    The day I stop laughing at this,just take me outside and put me out of my misery

    I feel sorry for her children. But now, she can go to foodbanks and claim benefits like the people she despises.

    I thought that’s what celebrity big brother was for

    Couldn’t have happened to a nicer person 😂

    Easy way out with an IVA then only paying a minute fraction of what she owes to her creditors ..... these agreements are becoming to easy to rid the large percentage of your debt especially if you rent and have little asset

    + View more comments

    4 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Potty training. ... See MoreSee Less

    Potty training.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Could be worse ... A while ago a friend of mine was showing off about how straightforward they found potty training their little boy. Only to discover that he’d been disappearing into the kitchen, pulling open the drawer where they keep their best pans and shitting in there.... for weeks.

    Love followers on Man vs Baby.. Crying at some of these comments..😂

    Small piece of advice, if it ain't working - give everyone a break and come back to it in a few weeks. Fresh attempt when a bit older can make a huge difference!

    All that with a toddler who just doesn't care😝

    Currently going everywhere with a potty strapped to the nappy bag, so i feel your pain!

    If you think the piss stench ends when you’ve cracked potty training, I’ll keep quiet about the next 5 years (at least) of stepping in piss every time you go to the bathroom. #mumofboys

    for ages one of mine was doing brilliantly during the day...but I kept smelling wee in his room at night...thought it was the cat weeing in the corner or something...turned out he was using his big sit-on Thomas the tank engine engine compartment...fat controller would not have been happy

    I've got to a point where I invite guests not to sit on the sofa, it's 85% piss 10% spilt food/drink and the rest is bits of puzzle.....

    My little boy was nearly 3. We were doing the usual thing of letting him wander round with no pants on. He stood in the dining room and sharted. He spun round and looked at the coke can sized shit on the floor. He got very cross and accused my mum of lobbing it at him.

    My boy was 3 over the weekend and we potty trained a few weeks ago. He nailed the potty really fast but he’s too big for the little potties that are easy to transport and deathly afraid of public toilets (apparently the flush is louder Out There than at home - who knew?!) so our trips out are limited to an hour here or an hour there unless we have the car. And I don’t drive!

    Our daughter nailed it without a fight, number 1 at 2.5, number 2 by 3 yo. Junior boy..not so much..... After a few attempts between 2.5-almost 4 with potty books/cartoons/singins potties/lookmommydaddydoesit (Put up a screaming bloody murder fight “i want my diaper!!!”) we literally had to threatened to take him to the doctor “to take poop out”. Worked like a charm though. Was completely trained soon after. 😤🤪

    First week was hell. Then wee suddenly was cracked. Poos still in her pants a month later 🙈 was not expecting it to be like this

    We got grandson a potty you attach to the main toilet. It has two steps leading up to the seat! He loves it!!! Gone through hundreds of nappies as he takes them off for each event....he’s 2.7 years old .. Really proud of him.

    #1’s down to a t #2’s however that’s more hit and miss well more miss then hit id reckon why do boys love a stealth poo yet find it hilarious when they fart!!!! Erik Schaad-Cole

    We're dealing with this at the moment, the worst is in the supermarket. He assures us he doesnt need the loo at the start of the shop, get half way around with a part full trolley and he says "I need a wee". It's worse in an Aldi as you have to beg the staff to let him use the staff toilets,

    Right there with ya Mr! It’s a ball ache, I thought I’d be happy to see the end of nappies, didn’t expect the road to be this long and arduous, and wet & smelly! 😞😩

    Melissa and Jacob when they were 2 didn't have any problem and Melissa said Cailum only took a day because I told her when he"s ready he'll tell you. A friend of mine gave me a suggestion was, when they go give them a reward like one or two pieces smarties or M&M. Not a bad ideal.

    Lol my grandson is 1and 7months old,everytime I got the toilet he follows and I say I'm peeing lol now he stands there some time and pee's in nappy....so potties have been ordered hahaha

    We're doing this right now. With a puppy. And we're going camping on Friday for the youngest's 5th birthday. And we're taking the puppy. 💩💩💩💩 and as my friend says to me... why do these shit emojis always look so happy?

    Sigh.we have this to look forward to soon,my daughter goes bright red&makes a hhuurrgh sound when she is due to poop so hopefully we get a warning

    To solve the car problem use a potette - it's a potty that folds up and can be opened in seconds It has a bag with nappy absorbent material in it Do whatever, tie bag, bin bag RELOAD POTETTE Carry on driving Is discrete and easy

    Mine cracked a log out in the garden. When I enquires why I got told "Well the dog does it mummy".... I best get the poop bags then #toddlerlogic #theyareferal

    Oh god. It's looming on the horizon for us. Tried today and she didn't get it at all so it's off the agenda for another few weeks.

    I know the feeling well "finished" potty traing 3 year old boy for him to get a stomach virus🙈💩. Now have to start potty traing the 2 year old girl😭

    Our son’s preschool started at 18 months and at that time he was going through a dreaded Micky Mouse Clubhouse phase and wanted to visit the clubhouse. We told him he could but Micky was to busy to change dirty pants so he had to be able to use the potty without fail in order to visit. We forced my mother in law to answer the phone and speak in a terrible Minnie Mouse voice and congratulate him on every successful poop and pee made in the potty and she would pass the message to Mickey. The day he turned three he was going without accidents day and night so we rewarded him with Disney World. This was possible because we live in Orlando and can get free tickets from friends and contacts. Without complete manipulation and access to free tickets and living in theme park mecca, we would have never made it and would have ended up in rehab from too much self medicating. We were judge by some for our method but those parents also had kids making nighttime sh**s in their pants. I’d say just do whatever it takes and don’t put too much pressure on it.

    + View more comments

    7 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Seems legit. ... See MoreSee Less

    Seems legit.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Where is famous cathedral?

    Two Russians walk into a Salisbury pub. The barman says "Evening Gents, what's your poison?"

    I know it was a brief visit but I hope they had time to send a postcard home - From Salisbury with Love ....

    Loved the interview on Channel 4 news when John said to the Russian man who claimed these “tourists” couldn’t go to Stonehenge because of the snow: “BUT YOU ARE RUSSIAN FOR HEAVENS SAKE, IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE SNOW YOU NEED BRAIN SURGERY”😂😂

    It's so world famous, I didn't even know about it. It must be a Russian secret

    It’s where I grew up and I wouldn’t say it’s worth 2 separate trips

    Reading their police interviews is like watching The Pink Panther!

    To quote them 'the cathedral is not only famous in Europe but in fact all over the world, with its 123m spire' Wikipedia is such a useful thing 😉

    Did you know the steeple is 123meters high and it has a really old clock?

    Now, now. We mustn't draw conclusions until a full investigation has been carried out, with the assistance of the Kremlin.

    Absolutely my good man! Well that's an interesting bottle of perfume you have. May I have a sniff?

    Joshua Wilhelm when you were visiting amsterdam

    Sooooo, my gorgeous little girl saw this photo and said to me “ who is that mummy?” I said “I don’t know”. She said “it’s Ian mummy, silly” 😂🤣

    Thought it was funny when they said last time the Russian army went on holiday they anexed the crimea

    Georgia May i wish you were here right now, i'm laughing so much on my own

    Cathedral pah!!! Pepper pig land just a short ride away!!!

    Natasha Doidge imagine my surprise when it wasn't you that shared this 😂

    Any informed torist would know with our public transport you can't make it round a city in a day 🤣

    This has made me laugh so much. Loving some of the comments too 😂

    Mike These are honestly some of my fave memes atm 😂

    Simon Lovell like the guy from sneaky Pete!!

    Orran I’m hoping you’ve seen recent news or this might not make sense to you xxxx

    Carol McNamara probably in poor taste but very funny

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..what kind of weirdos just drop in?
    #sorryaboutthemess #itsnotnormallylikethishonest
    ... See MoreSee Less

    ..what kind of weirdos just drop in?  
#sorryaboutthemess #itsnotnormallylikethishonest

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Note to self: ..must remember that people I know in real life follow me on here and twitter and.. actually read this shit. 😂😂.

    Yer I try not to answer the door if I haven’t invited someone over. Or I saw something. Put your coat on before answering the door. So if you don’t want the uninvited visitor to stay just say you were on your way out. But if you actually want them to come in just say you got back home. Bloody genius.

    10p bags from supermarkets, just stuff everything in and hide upstairs and sort out years later when you move house! Lol

    I have come to the realization that if they drop by unannounced, they deserve to see what cannot be unseen! I'm still in my PJs and the baby is running around like a tiny drunkard because she's refusing a nap....welcome to my zoo! I may even put you to work. Lol

    I don’t even apologise for the mess. I have 2 yr old whirlwind of destruction. He does what he likes whether I tidy up or not. “Tea? Coffee? Let me just navigate the landmine of Lego to get you one.”

    Every fortnight the window cleaner comes by and my house looks like it's imploded. Any other day of the week it'd be semi ok but the day the window cleaner comes, my house is guaranteed goldfish bowl of mess lol

    Doorbell rings. You gather everyone in a back room so as to pretend you’re not home. Then the 6 year old breaks away, stands at the door shouting “there’s someone at the door!”. Do you a) open the door begrudgingly and deal with the visitor Or b) pray it’s not CPS and let the child wander its way back to the rest of you.

    I have a huge vinyl sticker on my wall at the bottom of the stairs "If you came to see me, come right in...... If you came to see my house, make an appointment"

    I always knew which of my friends had spotless houses and wouldn't be embarrassed by a drop-in. I was not that friend.

    NO ONE just drops in at my house. I only answer the door if people have called in advance for a start and every one I know knows not to just rock up unannounced - it’s just rude!

    I always think it's weird when I visit friends houses who have kids and it's immaculate, I feel like a failure, my living room always looks messy and grubby. Doesn't help that I have no cupboards to shove everything in, my Hoover etc live in the hall and I seem to breed Aldi bags.🤔 🙁

    Chelle right? But then the kid is like “BISCUITS!!” And screams until they get to eat them, then don’t like them, then they get mashed into the carpet.

    Never cleaned a downstairs so quickly as getting that are you in call... We'll be 15min, damn woman clean... Clean... CLEAN! fookit just shove it all in the dishwasher and under the table, throw over a table cloth! Perfect 👌

    I mean Lauren Foster it's never usually unannounced and still my house looks like this when you turn up hahaha

    Or ‘are you in?’ Erm no I’m out actually, I’m out all day today. you are welcome to call tomorrow I’ll defo be in then! Then u have chance to clean 🤣 🤷🏼‍♀️

    Jennifer when u come in to mine and the weins cause a riot and we just chat through it 😂😂 while making sure Noah is ok.. ignoring the other pair 😂😂😂 xx

    Change ‘biscuit’ to ‘wine’ and I’m right there with ya. Keep fighting the good fight. I say ‘good fight’ I mean ‘impossible never ending pile of washing’.

    Had a Wickes bathroom fitter 'pop by' to measure up (they tried to ring but someone copied our number down wrong). It was the absolute worst our house had ever looked. Shit everywhere. Blamed it on the 3yr old obvs

    Lynsey Fox for some reason this makes me think of our conversation yesterday about house tidyiness! Pop ins are my nightmare! 😂😂😂x

    I have legit pretended to be out in the past when people have tried to stop in unannounced.

    I have these two little signs in my house! I have a 3 year old tornado who, as soon as you put something away, drags it straight out again before moving on to his next target! Tea? Coffee? Let me just navigate this obstacle course... I'll be back shortly. 😂🤷

    Haha, we had friends over on Saturday. Even though we knew they were coming, house looked a mess and my husband was trying to wrestle clothes onto the toddler!

    I love that nobody cares that my house is regularly bombed by little people and I can't be bothered to sort it until they've all gone home again. hahaha

    My house is a total shit hole. I work full time and am too knackered when I get in from work and got the kids ready for bed. It's slowly getting worse. So look much crap lying around

    And thanks to my apartment landlord, he has installed an entrance gate without a peephole viewer - he installed a room door as a main door🖕🏿Everyone is now uninvited droppers-by to me now. How retarded can someone be to have done this? 🌝

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    So, just to recap. Serena Williams almost dies in childbirth.. drags herself back to health and months later competes in back to back grandslams. She is accused of 'disrespecting' the sport by wearing a compression suit whilst playing (in order to reduce the chance of life-threatening blood-clots). And is then punished for breaking (a regularly ignored) rule in a way that male tennis players rarely are. And when she loses her shit about all this she is 'hysterical' and receives a punishment rarely given to men.

    I dont know whether this is good old fashioned sexism, racism or a swirling cauldron of both.. but I do know this. She is..⁣

    – 7-time Wimbledon singles champion ⁣

    – 6-time US Open singles champion ⁣

    – 6-time Australian Open singles champion ⁣

    – 3-time French Open singles champion ⁣

    – 6-time Wimbledon doubles champion ⁣

    – 4-time Australian Open doubles champion ⁣

    – 2-time US Open doubles champion ⁣

    – 2-time French Open doubles champion ⁣

    – 3-time Olympics doubles gold medalist ⁣

    – Olympics singles gold medalist⁣

    – Wimbledon mixed doubles champion ⁣

    – US Open Mixed Doubles champion ⁣


    So, when pundits and tournament organisers say that Williams is 'bringing the sport of women's tennis into disrepute' I wonder if they've not been paying attention.. ⁣

    Wake up fuckwits. Despite your best efforts.. and y’know, almost dying.. This remarkable human IS the sport of women’s tennis.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    So, just to recap.  Serena Williams almost dies in childbirth.. drags herself back to health and months later competes in back to back grandslams. She is accused of disrespecting the sport by wearing a compression suit whilst playing (in order to reduce the chance of life-threatening blood-clots). And is then punished for breaking (a regularly ignored) rule in a way that male tennis players rarely are. And when she loses her shit about all this she is hysterical and receives a punishment rarely given to men.
⁣
I dont know whether this is good old fashioned sexism, racism or a swirling cauldron of both.. but I do know this.  She is..⁣
⁣
– 7-time Wimbledon singles champion ⁣
⁣
– 6-time US Open singles champion ⁣
⁣
– 6-time Australian Open singles champion ⁣
⁣
– 3-time French Open singles champion ⁣
⁣
– 6-time Wimbledon doubles champion ⁣
⁣
– 4-time Australian Open doubles champion ⁣
⁣
– 2-time US Open doubles champion ⁣
⁣
– 2-time French Open doubles champion ⁣
⁣
– 3-time Olympics doubles gold medalist ⁣
⁣
– Olympics singles gold medalist⁣
⁣
– Wimbledon mixed doubles champion ⁣
⁣
– US Open Mixed Doubles champion ⁣
⁣
⁣
So, when pundits and tournament organisers say that Williams is bringing the sport of womens tennis into disrepute I wonder if theyve not been paying attention.. ⁣
⁣
Wake up fuckwits.  Despite your best efforts.. and y’know, almost dying.. This remarkable human IS the sport of women’s tennis.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Did she break the rules? Yes. Did she take something away from Osaka by behaving the way that she did? Yes. Was that a real shame.? Yes. Was she treated differently and more harshly than elite male players who behave in exactly the same way (and worse) ? Yes.

    She was punished for 1. on court coaching something that isn’t allowed in the Mens game....then 2. she smashed her racket so got a racket abuse penalty then 3. Was abusive to the ump and was quite rightly docked a game......no one is bigger then the sport.....I’m surprised she didn’t play the race card too....all because she was losing and under pressure......

    You think that’s bad you should see how my three year old loses his shit when I dare to try watch something on tv I want to watch

    Whether other people are punished or not doesn't mean you can break the rules. Just because your mate commits a crime (say assault) and isn't prosecuted doesn't make it okay for you to go beat someone up. She lost her temper after breaking rules. She should be punished for that. So should the men when they do it, yes, but losing your temper and getting yourself in more trouble is not the way to bring change.

    I think one of the most important points here is that she is human. She was obviously having a bad day. Lots of athletes act like that, often! Yes, she needed to abide by the rules, and should have kept her cool, but haven’t we all faced a similar circumstance at some point in our lives? She’s a human, she made a mistake.

    I feel sorry for Naomi Osaka. She has just won her first slam by beating her idol. I hope she doesn’t feel like it’s a hollow victory.

    There's is a definite case of sexism. Djokervic (and others) gets away with this constantly. Her attitude was appalling! Yes be angry, use that to win the game, then and make the call for this to be addressed on a wider front after the game. She is a role model and should act like it. Her coach broke the rules and was caught. Deal with it. She brought what happened on after it herself. Osaka's shining moment was taken away from her.

    No doubt she is great, but, despite her colour, age, sex and height, her attitude stunk. Not once, but 3 times she lost her rag. She was in the wrong and needed penalising. If, after the match, she wanted to pull them up on their lack of enforcement with men then the whole world would have listened. Because she is all of those things you listed. I think she is amazing, but she showed no respect for the ref of whom on this occasion was right. Poor show and man vs baby you are wrong. (Ps the cat suit was deemed performance enhancing thus not allowed. I feel for her having such a horrible condition but if your career puts your life in danger then it's time to hang your shoes up)

    Sorry guys you just lost a follower over this. Whatever the circumstances, you simply should not speak to another person like that and as parents we should all discourage this behaviour.

    It looks like you're excusing her behaviour because of her achievements. Doesn't matter if she's 200 in the world, that was graceless and classless and she's got history. Whether or not men get treated differently is moot. Look at the disciplinary stats for the tournament. If I were refereeing or umpiring any tournament and got accused of being a thief, the offender would get penalised.

    And being that she is the remarkable human that is the sport of women’s tennis she should be very well acquainted with the rules regardless of how frequently or often they are ignored or let slide in the men’s tournaments. Rules are rules and she needs to respect them and those that enforce them.

    Funny that she wants to combat sexism in the game ( and yes there is some women are not given the same air time as men , are usually relegated to lesser courts at Wimbledon etc ) but I've never once heard her complain about the fact that women get paid the same as men yet only have to play 3 sets instead of 5 . In this case it seems more of her not being prepared to lose , and I don't care if she's just had a baby , if she's not emotionally or physically ready to be back at work without having a tantrum she shouldn't be there . Being a new mum doesn't give you a free pass to behave badly at work .

    She's still in the wrong though! She's broken the laws of the game and was punished in line with said laws! There's an argument for how the laws are enforced but that's not the umpire' s fault! Williams is in the wrong here

    All of the above you mention is true Man vs Baby......however, she stole Naomi’s moment on the podium. Point blank. No dispute. That in my books is graceless and tactless. When big stars can’t gracefully support up and coming new talent....they become dull former stars. Maybe it’s time Serena accepted she got beaten. Maybe she isn’t the best female tennis player anymore? And that is ok. Let’s not forget a 20 year old won the Grandslam and then apologised for winning whilst Serena fans booed her for what felt like ages. That is not sportsmanship. Just plain rude.

    Sorry I don't agree with you. She broke the rules and got punished accordingly. The umpire is consistent as he punishes code violations regularly to both men and women. She thinks she's bigger than the game and she isn't, she's just a bad loser and always has been.

    She broke the rules of the sport and the umpire (quite rightly IMO) handed Her the correct punishment as set out in the laws of the game. Calling an official a liar is classed as bringing the game into disrepute. If it had been a lower seeded player (Male or Female) they would have been called spoilt brats or worse, I fully respect Her as one of the greatest female athletes across any sport of Her generation, however simple fact is She broke the rules and received the correct punishment.

    I’m sorry but I don’t agree. I’m the biggest tennis fan and I thought she acted appallingly, I get emotions are high and shows how much she wants it but just because of who she is doesn’t mean she should get away with it. And to then throw the sexism card in just to cause a bit more of a reaction is ridiculous. It’s up to the umpire To enforce rules, it’s not his fault if other umpires haven’t enforced them. And then with all that poor Osaka was totally over shadowed in what was an amazing career moment for her and felt the need to APOLOGISE to the crowd for winning?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

    I don't see any relevance between 'almost dying in child birth' and breaking the rules in a tennis match.

    I have never had more respect for this woman. She’s the woman I want my daughters to be. She’s the woman I want to be. Be more Serena!!

    Im not sure what disappoints me more. The fact that serena williams has beem treated like this or the women that has turned on her. As women we jave enough problems with the men working against us without other women jumping on the bandwagon. This woman is a true role model and someone for our daughters to look up to.

    It's neither sexism nor racism. It's someone blatantly believing she is above the rules of the sport. I stand firmly with the officials on this.

    I think as a society we need to be careful not conflate ideas. So with this in mind, from what I understand the main issues are racism and sexism. So she was penalised for three things. 1. coaching. 2. smashing her racket. 3. abusing the ref. So we start with the first 2. Did the coaching happen? yes and her coach readily admitted it. He tried to pass it of saying she didn't see it but that's besides the point the penalty was for coaching regardless of her seeing it or not. so the ref was right, harsh but right. Point 2 did she smash her racket? yes. Again this means the umpire was correct in penalizing her, this time it wasn't harsh and again he operated within the rules. So now the 3rd ruling. Serena abused that man for doing his job correctly as stated above. She demanded an apology from him for doing his job correctly and she did this repeatedly.... again putting Ramos in a position to punish her within the rules of the game with her 3rd violation of the day which drew a larger penalty, a docking of an entire game. In terms of the racism or sexism that point is made mute by how Ramos operates. In the last 18months this same official has docked Djokovic, Nadal and Murray for similar offenses. These guys are white and male.... He may be harsh but Ramos is consistent. He takes no mess fullstop, and neither should he. Your job as competitor is to prepare for your oponant, the conditions and the officials. Serena failed at the 3rd one because this was nothing new from Ramos. The official used his discretion with the rules, the fact that we would have applied the same rules differently is mute. She was punished fairly and in the rules. The sad part is that she is demanding to be excused for bad behaviour, if anything we should be trying to make the men behave better and not encourage worse behaviour from our women.

    She a fantastic athlete and champion but she completely overreacted. if she wanted to make her point about this she should have done so in the press conference of on social after. she ruined Naomi's first Grandslam title win and completely overshadowed what should have been a historic moment for Japanese tennis. although she's right in her complaint (except that her coach admitted coaching her and she did smash her racket and verbally abused the referee...) how she went about it was like a spoiled child.

    For the first time I disagree with you on this one. What does it matter that she's had a child, or has been a champion previously?! She behaved like a gobby tantruming diva! And to pull the sexism card whilst sobbing as her opponent patiently waits to continue play was just embarrassing! Well done Naomi, credit to her for keeping it together throughout all that ridiculous unprofessional drama!

    All valid points but irrelevant in the fact she called the umpire a “thief”. She got exactly what she deserved. Part of being a top sports person is the mental discipline aspect, unfortunately she let herself down and paid the price. It was embarrassing watching her not take any responsibility and claim it was about women’s rights.

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Right, so, just so I understand this correctly.. parenting is basically saying the words: “I’ve LITERALLY just f**ing hoovered there”.. repeatedly, at an ever-increasing volume until eventually one day you die? ..👍🏻 ... See MoreSee Less

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Oh my god, I had a full on melt down about crumbs yesterday! Why are there so many crumbs with children??? Are they secretly made of bread?!! Fucking crumbs, all day, every day 🙄

    Fucksake is what I mutter, over and over

    Along with ‘does no one else flush the toilet in this house’ and ‘am I the only one that takes all this Sh1te upstairs’ referring to the stair pile, I’m sure every home has one... unless you’re in a bungalow... god I wish I lived in a bungalow... 😆

    FOR FUCKS ACTUAL SAKE, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST PLAY NICELY TOGETHER?!!!

    Please tell me when you’re bringing out your next book! I so need your parenting humour right now!! 🤓📚😂

    Feel like I should add “DON’T LICK THAT!” To the list...

    Mat Roberts could write a very long list of these 😂 Ffs Get down Stop jumping Don’t tip that out Don’t rock the Moses basket🤦‍♀️ Where did you find that bit of food? What are you eating? Get that out of your mouth! Can we just tidy up Right it’s bedtime (at about 2pm) 😂😂

    I feel it's constantly referring to yourself in the third person & spelling out words to your other half.

    ...And then picking up the aftermath of your swearing by explaining to your 2 year old that "it's for GOODNESS sake mate; you're saying it all wrong - for fuck(in) sake isn't even a word" 🙄 Richard Yeomans 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤭

    I have never felt sorry for a device before being a parent, but I feel sorry for our vacum and washing machine

    I’d take some mess that could be cleaned up with just a hoover. I’ve just spent 4 hours cleaning our house only to walk into our living room to find my fully toilet trained 3 year old pissing on the rug “because he wanted too”. FML.

    My 4 year old screamed at me tonight "AND ELVIS IS DEAD"!! Nearly peed myself. She knew I am a fan and how to land that punch

    My three year old got hold of a pair of scissors this morning and cut open her rubber dinosaur that was filled with tiny polystyrene balls. I should probably just leave the hoover on. Constantly.

    Sod it...

    Oh no-no - then number two arrives and every five minutes you have to be the better part of the freakin UN Peace Keeping forces, to make sure that all the hoovering wasn’t in vain, because they are about to kill each other 🙈😇🤯

    Picking the same toys up over and over again, because my kids dont actually play with the damn toys... they just like tipping them out onto the floor 🙄 Then finally you think 'sod it' and just leave the toys there; then your Mom comes round and tells you how messy your house is and it looks like 'a rubbish dump' with all the toys on the floor.... Sigh!! 🙄🙄

    Mines usually 'where' s your sisters dummy' (for bedtime) and last night my daughter decided to wind me up, and she told me she eated it, it was in her tummy, it tasted delicious just like ketchup! She would not change her story and even when I found it she still carried on, even brought the story further and told me her tummy hurt now she eated it. Crying with laughter, one way to get out of bed time 😂

    Not quite, I mix it up a bit with "NO!!!", Stop it! FFS I said no!! Please, for the love of my recently departed sanity, please just do as I've asked you!!...... Etc etc. ..

    I'm our house it's "do you need a wee?" to the child who hasn't stopped jigging for the preceeding 1/2 hour. Followed by "please go to the loo" and, finally, "jesus, go to the loo now else...(Insert consequence here)". On a loop all day, every day. 😆

    Alternate that with “put your god damn shoes on” and yeh, you’ve nailed it.

    Or "I'm not doing it for the craic lads, stop messing my house!" Said on repeat until they all move out......

    No. I don’t hoover. But do spend my life saying “put your shoes away”, “who left the bathroom light/tap on?”, “can anyone else apart from me change a toilet roll?”, “please put your plate in the dishwasher”, “please empty the dishwasher” etc etc

    Don't worry ... once you've finished this stage, you'll enter the phase of constantly saying "ooof, my back/shoulder/neck/hip/knee" whenever you try and do anything that isn't sedentary....

    Wait till Charlie starts school. Then it’ll be replaced with, will you put your F*#$ing clothes on or I’ll send you to school in our pants!! 🤯🔫

    Consider in a few years time when your little bundle of mischief, starts f'ing and blinding. Where can you go next other than totally insane. What goes round comes around. Your little padawan will follow the master virtually to the letter. Light sabres at dawn. Enjoy!

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    #vaccinationscauseadults

    I posted this image a couple of weeks ago and so.. as usual when I write anything about this stuff ...I’ve spent the last fortnight dealing with delightful correspondence from people that err on the side of bat-shit. In answer to some of their messages .. no, I don’t work for ‘big pharma’, no I’m not talking ‘outta my ass’. And no, I won’t ‘go fuck myself, (although, it’s super sweet and flattering that you might think I could find this anatomically possible. x.) Anyway, here is what I wrote about vaccinations for the Man vs Baby book ‘Dummy’. I just hope it calms em’ down a bit.👍🏻

    —————-

    “IMMUNISATIONS

    This is tough.

    Just when you have built up a modicum of trust between you and your offspring, you have to destroy it all by holding them still while a stranger jabs them in the leg with a sharp stick.

    I was responsible for taking Charlie to have his vaccinations, (Lyns is terrified of needles and has been known to pass out at the sight of someone sewing). As a parent, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do so far. As Charlie felt the nip of the injection, his bottom lip trembled and as he geared up to scream he delayed for a moment. Just long enough to look me in the eye with the disappointment of a thing betrayed.. Et tu, Brute?

    I completely understand why parents are put off going through this ordeal. But it's not really an ordeal, it just feels like it is because they’re tiny. Apart from the rare instances of allergy and reactions. For the most part, babies cry for a bit and then they see a bug on the wall or a leaf and then they forget the whole thing. Or maybe, as in Charlie's case, they have a fever and feel under the weather for a day or two. But, in the main, the only damage done is to the parent, who convinces themselves that they have performed some sort of treachery.

    Unfortunately, what puts some parents off of having the vaccinations isn't the guilt at causing a moment of pain or a couple of days of fever. It is more likely to be the link between immunisations and the onset of autism or other serious disorders. And, as far as this is concerned, I would say it's best not to worry about it. Because there isn't a link. At all. Not one.

    What there is, is some discredited, shitty research that was proven to be fraudulent. And a vast amount of good research that shows that , in fact, there is no more a scientific link between vaccinations and autism than there is between eating biscuits and going boz-eyed. No link. At all.

    Now you may be reading this thinking: What do you know? The one thing we’ve established reading this book is that you’re something of an idiot. And, that’s true. But, the overwhelming majority of scientists and doctors contend that vaccinations save lives and are not dangerous. Like Jimmy Kimmel once said, when it comes to vaccinations: “If you really believe that 99% of doctors are dishonest, you need to see a doctor”

    But, choosing to vaccinate their child is a decision that every parent must make. And, in fairness, there are still some proponents of the opposing view, people that argue vaccinations are fundamentally dangerous. These people are called 'Anti-Vaxxers'...

    So, in the interests of balance, these are some of the esteemed researchers and proponents of either side of this controversial debate:

    On one side of the debate, proposing that vaccinations are overwhelmingly safe are:

    • The World Health Organisation

    • The United Nations

    • The Center for Disease Control

    • The National Health Service

    • The General Medical Council

    • The British Medical Association

    On the other side of the debate are:

    • A man who thought he was the son of god but now believes that the Royal family are Lizard People: David Icke

    • Terrorist Nutjobs: Boko Haram

    •90’s Pornstar and star of Scream 3: Jenny McCarthy

    • Beardy types: The Taliban

    • And finally, a man famous for being a racist, backwards man-child and having hair like someone's back-combed big foot's arsehole: Donald Trump”

    (Extract from ‘Dummy’ Ch.7)
    ... See MoreSee Less

    #vaccinationscauseadults

I posted this image a couple of weeks ago and so.. as usual when I write anything about this stuff ...I’ve spent the last fortnight dealing with delightful correspondence from people that err on the side of bat-shit.  In answer to some of their messages .. no, I don’t work for ‘big pharma’, no I’m not talking ‘outta my ass’. And no, I won’t ‘go fuck myself, (although, it’s super sweet and flattering that you might think I could find this anatomically possible. x.)   Anyway, here is what I wrote about vaccinations for the Man vs Baby book ‘Dummy’.  I just hope it calms em’ down a bit.👍🏻

—————-

“IMMUNISATIONS

This is tough.  

Just when you have built up a modicum of trust between you and your offspring, you have to destroy it all by holding them still while a stranger jabs them in the leg with a sharp stick. 

I was responsible for taking Charlie to have his vaccinations, (Lyns is terrified of needles and has been known to pass out at the sight of someone sewing).  As a parent, it was one of the hardest things Ive had to do so far.   As Charlie felt the nip of the injection, his bottom lip trembled and as he geared up to scream he delayed for a moment.  Just long enough to look me in the eye with the disappointment of a thing betrayed..  Et tu, Brute?

I completely understand why parents are put off going through this ordeal.  But its not really an ordeal, it just feels like it is because they’re tiny.  Apart from the rare instances of allergy and reactions.  For the most part, babies cry for a bit and then they see a bug on the wall or a leaf and then they forget the whole thing.  Or maybe, as in Charlies case,  they have a fever and feel under the weather for a day or two.  But, in the main, the only damage done is to the parent, who convinces themselves that they have performed some sort of treachery.

Unfortunately, what puts some parents off of having the vaccinations isnt the guilt at causing a moment of pain or a couple of days of fever.  It is more likely to be the link between immunisations and the onset of autism or other serious disorders.  And, as  far as this is concerned, I would say its best not to worry about it.  Because there isnt a link.  At all.  Not one. 

What there is, is some discredited, shitty  research that was proven to be fraudulent.   And a vast amount of good research that shows that , in fact, there is no more a scientific link between vaccinations and autism than there is between eating biscuits and going boz-eyed.  No link.  At all.

Now you may be reading this thinking: What do you know?  The one thing we’ve established reading this book is that you’re something of an idiot.  And, that’s true.  But, the overwhelming majority of scientists and doctors contend that vaccinations save lives and are not dangerous.  Like Jimmy Kimmel once said, when it comes to vaccinations: “If you really believe that 99% of doctors are dishonest, you need to see a doctor”

But, choosing to vaccinate their child  is a decision that every parent must make.  And, in fairness, there are still some proponents of the opposing view, people that argue vaccinations are fundamentally dangerous.  These people are called Anti-Vaxxers...

So, in the interests of balance, these are some of the esteemed researchers and proponents of either side of this controversial debate:

On one side of the debate, proposing that vaccinations are overwhelmingly safe are:

• The World Health Organisation

• The United Nations

• The Center for Disease Control

• The National Health Service

• The General Medical Council

• The British Medical Association

On the other side of the debate are:

• A man who thought he was the son of god but now believes that the Royal family are Lizard People: David Icke

• Terrorist Nutjobs: Boko Haram

•90’s Pornstar and star of Scream 3: Jenny McCarthy

• Beardy types: The Taliban

• And finally, a man famous for being a racist, backwards man-child and  having hair like someones back-combed big foots arsehole: Donald Trump”

(Extract from ‘Dummy’ Ch.7)

     

    Comment on Facebook

    I didn't vaccinate my kids. It's dangerous Irresponsible Unethical I let the doctor do it!

    My daughter had her preschool jabs yesterday. She screamed 😞 it was horrible for everyone...you know what else is horrible?? Polio. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

    I don’t believe a word Boko Haram say anyway. Have you ever properly listened to the lyrics of ‘Whiter Shade of Pale’? Are you telling me there were no drugs involved there? I think not!

    I have two amazing boys with autism. I had both of them vaccinated because it’s the right thing to do! The whole “it causes autism” argument angers me so much because it’s basically telling me that my children are broken! They’re not! They’re perfect

    My youngest had a seizure (febrile convulsion) caused by her meningitis vaccine...you know what I say...better than meningitis! 👌🤷‍♀️ they aren’t vaccinating against the common cold...these are illnesses that kill! 🤦‍♀️ don’t get why people want to mess with that! Xxx

    I once read a comment written by a woman whose son is autistic which basically said that those people who choose not to vaccinate their children because they think that vaccines cause autism are effectively saying they’d rather their child died than be like her son. It still makes me feel sad when I think about it now.

    My son had a reaction to his 8 week jabs, spent 5 days in hospital, people asked me what I was gonna do about the next set? " I'll have a hospital bag packed! 😁" was my reply. Rather a few days in hospital with him than lose him to meningitis! He went on to react to both other sets of jabs, I still could never contimplate not having them done and the potential risks. And will never understand how any parent would take those risks with their children. 🤔

    nightofthelivingdad.net/2014/08/13/why-we-didnt-vaccinate-our-child/ I hear what you're saying, but this guy's argument is very compelling...

    I paid privately for my son to have the meningitis B jabs, as he missed the roll-out on the NHS by 4 months. Cost a bloody fortune, but worth every penny if it stops him getting a potential fatal illness. Can’t believe people would rather put their child at risk of death than get vaccinations that have been proved to be effective and safe. All that ‘it causes autism’ crap was discredited years ago, anyone who still believes that BS needs a swift kick up the arse and to be forced to read all the recent medical research papers including all the graphs, tables, citations, footnotes and appendices, from cover to cover, as punishment for being so stupid.

    Putting aside the fact that the autism argument from anti-vaxxers is utter 🐂💩, even if it were true, I would much prefer a healthy autistic child than one that was dead from easily preventable diseases!

    The same people rush to the doctor (rightly so) when their kid is sick or needs the hospital because their knowledge and skills are the only thing that can save/treat them. But when it comes to vaccinations, the same Doctor is suddenly an untrustworthy, conspiracy theorist🙄👊

    I was not vaccinated against whooping cough (it was the 70’s, there was some kind of panic 🤷‍♀️). In July last year, at age 43, I contracted whooping cough. And it nearly killed me. I am still unwell now, 13 months later. Please enquire about booster pertussis vaccines if it’s been ten years or more since you had one or indeed get one if you’ve never been jabbed.

    The NHS has no money. None. Infact less than none. Are people actually thick enough to think they would spend millions every year on vaccinating children if they didn’t work, or caused horrific side effects?! Absolute idiots

    I approve of not vaccinating Americans and others who oppose vaccinations. Harsh, I know, but it cleans the gene pool a bit 🙂

    My brother has severe autism, I'm not autistic. Guess which one of us had the MMR and which didn't?! The anti-vax line of "MMR causes autism" is pure bulls**t, I honestly believe that whatever causes it happens when the cells divide after conception, it's pure coinsidence that the first symptoms often appear at around the age the MMR is given.

    I didn’t just vaccinate my son for his own sake (he seems impervious to pretty much everything), but rather for the sake of the immunity of the community (sounds like a 70’s band name), and the kids who cannot get the vaccines due to immune system/allergy issues (or idiot parents).

    I'm not normally one for this, but I think anti vax supporters should wear an identifier and it be legal to slap them with wet fish.

    I wrote this poem ages ago, in response to a particularly zealous Anti-Vaxxer I once encountered. Ode to an antivaxxer Oh internet lady, I try not to judge Especially since I don’t know you But the logic you preach it just escapes me I just can’t see your view I’m sure you have your reasons For holding the opinions you shout But speaking as a parent myself I urge you to please shut your mouth. Ask questions of course! And do your research But please consider your sources Remember not everyone is what they say Especially with web-based resources. A better place to get your advice Would be with your child’s own GP Or a qualified nurse, a professional, of course Or if you fancy a chat, come to me. I’m not an expert, I’m just a mum. A mum who had such a fright With my tiny baby, too young to be vaxed Who got sick and sicker one night. That night that I spent by a hospital bed Watching my poor baby turn blue It was an awful sight, a horrible night And to be honest, I blame people like you. I know you don’t want my advice I know that to you, I’m a stranger But I don’t really care what you think of me If you suggest putting babies in danger. If you were saying it’s right, To beat children all night Or make them go to the bin to find food Then I couldn’t stand by and turn a blind eye I don’t care if you think that is rude. It’s like if I said that carseats are a danger And that seatbelts don’t have enough proof What would you do if I said to you That your kids should sit on the roof? And hold on tight when you get to a bump Or a twisty, tight bend in the road Would you agree that they’d be totally free Or would you doubt that they could keep hold? Who would you blame if my theory was wrong And the children (god forbid) got so hurt? Would you say it was right and ‘each to their own’ Or would you shout to the world, what you’d learnt? That even though science might not be perfect And not every boffin is wise By and large we should praise what we’ve got Because vaccines (and seatbelts) save lives

    My 2 year old daughter contracted whooping cough when she was 8 weeks old. She came so very close to dying on numerous occasions ....it was the worst 4 months of my life. I watched my baby fight for her life. Vaccination is important !!!!

    My youngest was born when the scaremongering regarding false links to Autism resulted in lowest uptake in MMR vaccinations. My son, at his time a few weeks short of starting to get his vaccinations caught measles. He was so poorly and so little, awful to see but he was lucky and today is a happy and healthy 15yr old. If we do not vaccinate our children these life threatening illnesses will once again take lives.

    Man vs Baby the only mistake you made in this posting...”err on the side of bat-shit” ...my friend no. They are deep, right in the bat-shit. So much so I can hear Jim Carrey screaming Guuuuaano

    Love this post. As a parent of a profoundly autisitc child, I have never believed that vaccines contributed to her autism. She was born this way. Both of my children are fully vaccinated, one is autisitc. One is not. Vaccines do indeed cause adults 👍😁

    What's worse is that anti vaxxers logic is that they would rather have a potentially dead child than an autistic one? 🤷‍♀️

    Donkeys years ago, when I was a young teen, I used to knock around with a chap who caught polio from the early vaccine (1950's). With all the tact and diplomacy of an arsy 15 year old (ie none) I said to his mum 'I bet you wish you never got him vaccinated now', holy heck did she let rip, and pointed out the number of lives that had been saved by vaccination and made the valid point that he could have died from the disease rather than been disabled. Modern vaccines are safe and Andrew Wakefield should have been banged up for his money grabbing, self serving lies. If your child reacts to a vaccine by developing a slight fever, it means the vaccine has prompted an immune response and that it is working, the immune system is making white blood cells that will protect the little one from the disease.Keep protecting your children so that all children are protected, this will stop diseases travelling through communities (herd protection) ps the chap grew up to be Sir Bert Massie

    Btw both my sons were vaccinated (full mmr malarkey) - eldest (28yr now) was "normal" neurotypical demon. His now 20yr old brother diagnosed at age 3 with autism is the most laid back dude ever! I always said when the vaccine+autism debate started that MMR was to blame for causing my eldest to be a mouthy, lazy arsed git! 😁

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    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    In the sixth century BC, King Nebuchadnezzar II spent decades building the greatest wonder of the ancient world, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, as the purest testament to the Gods, of his love for Amytis of Media.
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Meanwhile in 2018...
    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    “Julie, ..you know we’ve been together for a while and.. well, you know I love you don’t ya..? well, have a look behind you cos I’ve spray painted something on the side of a fucking cow”
    ... See MoreSee Less

    In the sixth century BC, King Nebuchadnezzar II spent decades building the greatest wonder of the ancient world, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, as the purest testament to the Gods, of his love for Amytis of Media. 
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Meanwhile in 2018...
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
“Julie, ..you know we’ve been together for a while and.. well, you know I love you don’t ya..?  well, have a look behind you cos I’ve spray painted something on the side of a fucking cow”

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Not just any cow, her favourite cow. I can't think of anything more thoughtful or romantic.

    Don’t know what’s so weird about this. That’s how I ask all my questions...🤔

    I wish them the best I really do... but dang, I'd like to see the divorce notice

    In the west country, that's our version of texting.

    What is it about this particular cow that makes it her favourite?

    Bet she can't wait for the honeymooooooon!

    Em . not sure about that ! Feel sorry for the cow ! What about all those other poor girls waiting for a proposal wondering if its for them too !!

    Ben Joe Harry this has Sam written all over it 😂

    I’d have put ‘ will Moo marry me ‘ Tristan John you missed trick ! I effing love cows I do

    Simon Walker.. You missed a trick with this one. I will let you work out which child is my favourite for you to write on...

    Laura. As I said this morning, I like the idea that the cow might just randomly walk off and proposition ramblers!

    "this is your favourite cow, and you're my favourite co...owww!"

    Good job he got it right. Imagine if he had used her worse cow! 😕

    Stacey Flay this made me laugh because I thought of Josh instantly 😂😂 and I'm sure you would have a favourite cow lol

    Ahh dinna make onybody oot tae bee a fiel loon. Up wi a thon teuchters in Aberdeenshire that's the wiy we dae things like at ..... 😂😂👍👍

    But who's going to clean the cow

    Kenny Hawkins I’d have been moooo-ved to tears 😂

    Jess Drennan you would have bloody loved it if Gareth did this

    Animal cruelty right there. Bloody hell people suck 🙄

    But by spray painting the cow surely that means they have to MARRY THE COW. Shouldn't the cow be asking will you marry the bloke to prevent misunderstanding. That said stranger things happen in the countryside.

    I'm not sure what is the most amazing part of this story... That this bloke thought it was a good idea to spray paint the side of a cow, or that his girlfriend has a favourite cow?!

    Feel sorry for the people who are trying to find something wrong with this. You need to get a life if you don't find this heart warming.

    Steve - this is why I proposed to you, so I didn’t end up with something like this

    A personalized proposal-cow wins over a ring in a restaurant any day 💚

    Tony Roberts from now on if you wish to ask me anything I require it in writing on one of the dogs. Or kids. Your choice 😂

    + View more comments

    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    “And who shall prepare the unfortunate Mr Willoughby’s meals and mend the poor man’s socks. ‘It’s a scandal, an absolyoot scandal”.

    #fuckoffitsnotthe1950s
    ... See MoreSee Less

    “And who shall prepare the unfortunate Mr Willoughby’s meals and mend the poor man’s socks.  ‘It’s a scandal, an absolyoot scandal”.    

#fuckoffitsnotthe1950s

     

    Comment on Facebook

    My favourite part of this is that Dec is due his first baby in the next few weeks apparently and yet I see no article asking what will happen to his child or even questioning whether heading to Aus with a newborn at home/in tow is an issue.

    She’ll do what all us working mothers do - lock them in a cupboard while we go out and put our careers first obviously 💁🏻‍♀️

    I had a similar reaction last year when I went to work on a cruise ship for 9 months..... my children are 28 & 25 and both live abroad !! I can't even begin to tell you of the comments about my poor husband having to "fend for himself" ... who happened to be a soldier for 24 years !! Unbloodybelievable!!😲

    Well they'll make a good pair at Christmas time if nothing else....Dec the halls with boughs of Holly...😁 I'm so sorry that was that was dreadful, I'm going now 😊

    Perhaps their father will (shock and awe) parent them!?

    Kids will have the time of their lives, ice cream for breakfast and pre-dinner desserts. That's how I roll when in charge 😁. That's why I don't get to be in charge anymore😕

    Wouldn’t ask this if it was a male 😡

    I remember when I went back to work after having my firstborn (now 20) a male colleague asked me who was looking after her? My reply was "No one, she's in the cot, I have left her a bottle, she'll be fine" His face was a picture!!! 🤣🤣

    Someone needs to tell “mirror tv”, that they do actually cut the umbilical cord after a child is born. Mum is allowed to leave them! It’s 2018 not 1818. Mothers have been going out to work, at all kinds of different jobs, for decades. 🤦🏼‍♀️

    Bearing in mind that Holly is a penniless single mother with no friends or family I expect she’s had to sell her children to fund her trip to Australia, which is the only place she can get work.

    I have a two and three year old and work full time. I constantly get asked ‘who is looking after your children’. 🤦🏼‍♀️ my husband never gets flipping asked...

    Why do they not ask this about all the celebrities with children that go in?!?!?! 🙄

    I'm sure she'll leave some sandwiches and a spare key in a jar. They'll be fine so long as they don't answer the door or the phone; don't touch the cooker and do NOT fight with their brother/sister.

    Kram Ogaj following on from our recent conversation...... another example of how we live in a patriarchal society. There are no articles asking how Dec's family will cope while he is working. God forbid a woman have a family and a career 🙈

    They’ll be eating chicken nuggets daily, going to bed late and likely swearing at random strangers by the time she gets back #dadsarewreckless #themirroraretwunts

    OMG!!! She has a Husband and her parents, his Parents also maybe I don't know! Point is it is what 2 or 3 weeks max! It is a one off and why the hell shouldn't she go? She love the show and she is a good presenter! Got to point out i'm a mother of 3 and I would hot foot it onto a plane to Oz if asked too! Go Holly enjoy and have a effing blast!!!!

    I’m a full time working mammy of three children under 4. My standard response to the regular questions about this is that I go to work for a bloody rest 😊

    I stood for election for county council last year. I got asked "who'll look after the kids?" when canvassing. I expect the male candidate who has children wasn't asked that question! I work full time anyway so the same childcare would be in place but I would actually be at home more if I'd been elected. Needed 17 votes to win (lost to that male candidate!) but now a town councillor as well as working full time and being a mother, student and other voluntary work (and kickboxing).

    Honestly - do they think she has negotiated a contract that hasn’t factored in her children!! Behave, working mums will always ensure their children are number one! Stupid comments by narrow minded people 😡😡😡

    Oh nob off!! She will earn a big bag of money while her perfectly capable family cover, bet Dec won’t get this crapola over leaving a newborn?! 🙄

    Maybe when she accepted the contract she forgot she had kids... and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to do anything fun.. ever! 🙄😤

    What the fudge has this got to do with anyone but her and her husband! So frustrating how she is getting stick for saying yes to do her job, that she enjoys!

    I reckon they’ll have a bloody good holiday on the Gold Coast whilst all the whingers are freezing their arses off back in blighty.

    Good grief!! Sure the kids will be just fine with their dad. Sometimes even shit articles so stupidly dumb have a positive. This one has at least made people aware that despite the shitty way soaps portray dad's. Most dad's are pretty much capable and delighted to be dad's and look after their children. This is not the 1930s ! No disrespect to good dad's from the 1930s

    They will be going with Holly. I'm sure they will rent a lovely house. Holly will be at work early morning about 6am Australian time, which means she has plenty of time to get home and prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner. 😁

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  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.

    flowchart1

  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

    Breastfeeding

    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.

    …..

    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…

    ———————————-

    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.

    www.facebook.com/manversusba

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby

  • Tough week…

    Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own..

    Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit.

    Anyway, to alleviate Lyns’ concerns about leaving Charlie in the care of a f*ckwit, I promised to keep in touch…

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

    Texts

  • Book Tour Dates 2017

    Thursday April 20th – SOLD OUT! The Man vs Baby Rave/Book Launch, Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield
    https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/man-vs-baby-rave-book-launch-party-tickets-32865483546?aff=es2

    Thursday April 27th – Sheffield Waterstones (Orchard Square) 7.00pm – 8.30pm – £3.00 incl glass of wine
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne/sheffield-orchard-square

    Wed 17 May, Chorleywood Bookstore, Chorleywood, – £8 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    http://chilternbookshops.co.uk/events/evening-scummy-mummies-matt-coyne

    Thurs 18 May, Reading Waterstones, Reading – £5 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne-and-the-scummy-mummies/reading-broad-street

    Wednesday 14 June, Urmston Library, Manchester 7.30pm This is a free Wordfest event. Book online at Eventbrite, phone 0161 912 3189 or email libraries@trafford.gov.uk

    Saturday 16th September – Chiswick Book Festival, details to follow..