• This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.


    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK…

    Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap.
    And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a good thing to reduce the risk of children running around the modern busy car park like its fucking Chessington World Of Adventures.

    I realise for some this is complicated..
    1. “Rubbish, we didn’t have parent and baby spaces back in my day… ”
    …This is an odd point of view given that that argument can also be made for antibiotics, women’s voting rights, the combustion engine, indoor plumbing, space travel, Luther, opposable thumbs, monster munch and shoes.
    Oh yeah, and the internet.. a place where you can share your shit opinion and have it demolished by anyone whose brain receives oxygen.
    2. “But, in my day, we managed..”

    …I’m sure you did, when cars were fewer, cars were smaller, spaces were larger, and you could get a bottle of ginger beer and a caramac and still have half a crown left to buy some johnnies. Look, times have changed. Not least because we now have something called ‘Health and Safety’ which means Isofix, and car-seats the size of a fucking armchair.

    So you can be nostalgic for the good old days, when your children didn’t even have to wear seatbelts, but those days are gone.. It’s partly the reason why there are more of these kids making it to adulthood, actually, Barbara.

    3. “But disabled spaces are more important”.
    Yes. Of course they are. Nobody is saying otherwise. But its not either/or is it?

    4. “Why should those who ‘breed’ get benefits that I don’t. Whinge whinge. etc.”
    Look,.. people have all kinds of benefits that you don’t.. low blood pressure and some fucking empathy for a start.
    And.. even if you don’t have kids the chances are you were one once. It’s True. Two people in the dim past made the monumental mistake of combining their DNA and creating someone as selfish and small-minded as you. So stop being a cock about something that keeps the next generation a little bit safer and maybe, god forbid, makes someone else’s day a little bit easier. Because, it doesn’t really affect you does it, you massive dick.
    Hope that clears that up… Now can we all just get along?

  • Man vs Toddler – Sunday Times Bestseller!

    Dear all! Quite an emotional couple of days in our house.. as we got the call to say that as of this weekend ‘Man vs Toddler’ will be a Sunday Times Bestseller!?

    I know. Nuts. Dreams do come true.. not the ones about having a gold-plated car, massive wings and being hung like a Minotaur but.. some dreams.. well, they do.

    So THANK YOU. Once again, to every one who has parted with cash for Man vs Toddler. You are royalty, your support is everything and I feel incredibly humbled.(But not too bloody humbled, I’m a two time, Sunday times bestselling author for fucks sake). Matt x

    (Cue… all the messages asking me where I got the mug from.. 😂goddammit, focus people.)

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.


    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.


  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.


  • Facebook Posts

    2 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    True story. ... See MoreSee Less

    True story.


    Comment on Facebook

    If you’re new here.. I wrote some books. This is the new one, you might like it. 👍🏻 www.amazon.co.uk/Man-vs-Toddler-Matt-Coyne/dp/1472245067

    Soooooo true! I find lots of excuses to go to the tip! I also leave things behind on purpose so I can go back again

    Treasured moments mate.

    I wish that I had written this.

    My friend messaged to say she hoped I'd had some "me time" recently. First thought was well I just did the dusting and no one talked to me so I guess that counts?

    Walking around to my side of the car after strapping her in is a holiday! 🤣

    I’m so tired from running around after my two and sleepless nights I totally read this ‘chicken make you appreciate the simpler things’ and then wondered why u would be taking a chicken on a cruise 🙈

    I wish I could still have that privilege. Worrying about that sort of things. I miss my daughter.

    😂 and when you do the food shop on your own! Bliss xx

    Honestly... leaving the kids with their dad in the car and popping into the shop to get milk... A 5 minute job is like a holiday! But I love returning and the excited MUMMY! Shout I get is amazing.

    I love going on an errand by myself! I'm a teacher and we go back to school tomorrow but last week we could go into school unofficially. I revelled in an unpaid afternoon of tidying out a cupboard -without any children (Although I have enjoyed the last 6 weeks of full time with two under 5)!

    Mine are going to the childminder on Wed so I can go to the fracture clinic on my own!

    Today I opted to paint the fence just for some freedom. I even stayed outside when it started raining 🤣🤣🤣

    The other day I went to town on my own for the first time in nearly 4 years...it was so good that I circled the same corner of TK Maxx 3 times and looked at the exact same items just because I could...It was so enjoyable I've spent the past week telling everyone about it anytime they ask how I am.

    So true. Going to work is often respite.

    We argue over who gets to go upstairs to put away the clean clothes whilst the other stays downstairs with our two boys. “No I don’t mind going up...” “No, I REALLY don’t mind...” etc

    I'll never forget the time, in the very early days of parenting that I "ran away" to Tesco! I could have been in the Bahamas for all I knew!

    The three and a half minute window I manage to have a shower in is pure bliss. Until the door gets opened by my toddler and the whoosh of cold air indicates that my time is up 💁🏻‍♀️

    I recently took a fourteen hour red-eye three flight combination. Delays meant I had to sprint to the next gate at both stopovers. It was bliss.

    I find excuses to get things from the shops so I can have 5 minutes peace. I'm sure we'll finish eating all those baked beans and onions eventually...

    My husband and I actually argued about which of us got to walk to the front of dunelm mill alone today to fetch a basket, and who had to wait in the aisle with our 4 year old 😂 (I won... that 3 minutes of silence was bliss.... 😂)

    D’you know what, reading this post and all the comments really makes me feel so much better about myself. I often feel so guilty for doing things like this and enjoying the fact that I need to drive round the corner to get milk so I get 5 minutes peace. I wonder if it’s me, and I wasn’t really cut out to be a parent and I’m too selfish. However, knowing that there are so many other people who feel exactly the same way and do exactly the same thing is very comforting. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart (and her little sister who’ll be popping out of mummy in about a month), but sometimes you just need a day off. It’s ok, she’s at nursery on Tuesday so I can put my feet up and have a brew then......

    I know this feeling so so well!! When you arrange your child to spend the afternoon with your mum so you can fill in paperwork and it STILL feels like a spa day!!

    My father is visiting at the moment. I just say “Go play with grandpa!” and pretend not to notice the exhausted look on the old man’s face, to save myself the guilt trip. 👴🏼

    I was excited that both boys napped at the same time so I could clean during daylight hours today!

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    4 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    ‘I can do it myself!?’. That may be true sunshine, but you end up looking like a lunatic, or like you’ve fallen in one of those charity clothing bins you get at the tip. ... See MoreSee Less


    Comment on Facebook

    Reminds me.. when a mate of mine got married a couple of years ago she told her little boy he could choose his own outfit and so he went as a cactus. 🌵😂

    My 3yr old insisted on going to the supermarket dressed as a robot....😳😳😳

    I let my daugther dress herself . on those days we having a wardrobe malfunction i let the nursery staff know she dressed herself and doesnt she look good 🙈🙈🙈

    It was all back to front and inside out but as usual we were in a hurry and I had been fearing I’d still be dressing him till he was about 16 so we proudly went out in public like that and I didn’t even apologise once for it.

    Can u tell my son had an older sister! He’s 21 now n still dresses whacky!

    This was one of mine a few years ago. She even did the makeup herself!!

    🤷‍♀️🙈😂 photo taken about 7 years ago now! Saving it for her 18th birthday cake!

    I let my three year old dress himself this morning. The tiger hat and the swim shoes I can cope with. The black top with blue bottoms? Not so much 🙈

    One of my favourite photos of my daughter.

    First day at playgroup my son wandered over to the dressing up corner and put on the nurses outfit. I helped him put it on and off he went to play. 😆

    When my son was little I told him he could choose what to wear to go shopping 😁 This was his choice 🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂😂

    This was about 5 years ago, she was coming up to 5. I had been upstairs and came down to this. She's a special 1 😂

    My son was 5 and in Kindergarten. He wanted to wear his Superman T-shirt for picture day. Little did we know that he smuggled his mask and cape as well. When the teacher handed me the picture, she said that we could have the picture retaken. But we thought it was sooo adorable that we declined. He’s now 23 and just graduated from University with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Animation.

    We went to a fairy festival, and my son decided it was appropriate to wear a Halloween Werewolf costume amongst all the sparkly dresses and wings lol...

    My kid dressed himself too 😂

    This was my daughter in holiday ready to go for a picnic to the park!

    My daughter wore wellies for a full year at nursery. You've got to pick your arguments, right? 😉

    I protest on behalf of all toddlers around the world; they can certainly do better. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    This week we have worn exactly the same clothes, every day... I even had to make the monkey a fez

    I let my daughter choose her own things - you choose your battles and this wasn’t one of them - and now she’s nearly 16 I get grief for “letting me go out like that - how could you?!” 🙄🙄🙄

    My son who had been away with the school came home like this 😂 I also have a picture of him smaller with a hat on in bed!!

    My boy went out in a wetsuit, crocs and pirate hat. That’s definitely one for the 21st slide show 😂😂😂

    My son used to insist on wearing his bike helmet everywhere 🤦‍♀️. Hes grown out of it now thank goodness.

    We regularly go out with a princess in sandals and funky socks with sunglasses and handbags with jewellery up her arm! We just go with it now 😂😂

    My 21 month old boy refused to leave the house in the 30c weather unless he was wearing his fleece lined winter coat and wellies. Hes also well known locally for his princess and flowery headbands that he wears when we go out. It’s just not worth the meltdown to get them off him.

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    Comment on Facebook

    May I present you with this book... apparently they have all the answers 😉

    France, how middle class. You've changed Matthew. And not for the better.

    We will be in France next week. Will show them how it's done. Our 6 year old is ace at Mario Kart on the switch now 😂

    It's a huge dining culture in France so they'll teach their kids how to behave without devices. My eldest would happily sit quietly with a colouring set then eat his meal. My 2nd however is a whirlwind!! Thank God for YouTube or we wouldn't eat out 😭😭

    We're just back from France. The kids out there are so socialised (hate that word but it fits), they behave impeccably in restaurants, you don't hear their parents losing it with them in supermarkets, and I honestly don't think I saw a single device being used for anything other than taking a telephone call. Come to think of it, phones stayed mostly in the parents' pockets too.

    We are here flying the flag...kids glued to phones and ipad wenever there is wifi....show them frenchies what is wot x

    Yep we have noticed the same thing too. We're still here in northern France and the dinnertime atmosphere is so different !

    I’m one of those smug parents that don’t let their kids have phones or tablets in restaurants. I’m also the parent who is knocking back prosseco at a rate of knots just to cope with the hell of it all!

    As a French mum in the uk you got me all confused now 🤣🤣

    I'm a French mum of 2 and I'd very like to know in which restaurant where you, cause my monster aren't socialised at all 😂. Most of the time parents will threaten their kids in hope to get time to eat. To get my kids "socialised", I've 3 rules : make sure there's a proper kids meal they'll eat, get them coloring set, reading and a game of their choice, and prey.

    We just give them 10min of screen time every day just so they dont get left behind in technology. The rest of the day they can do whatever they want. Bike, music, books, garden, pretend, kitchen etc... so far its working and they dont look neither like a zombie nor like cat 8 hurricane.

    My then-three-year old daughter once dropped her cutlery in a family restaurant at a Eurocamp in France. Gasps of horror. The atmosphere was horrendous. One shop worker became aggressive when she touched a glass cabinet while pointing out which ice cream she wanted. Audible frustration at her enjoying herself in the swimming pool. A French husband and wife verbally abused us because she accidentally tapped him on the back a few times while watching a family entertainment show. Family friendly France? No way. It was like Britain in the 1950s, children to be seen and not heard! Good job I’m thick skinned. I perfected my glare that holiday. Lucky it wasn’t my right hook 😜🤣


    I took my little boy to Italy last week and without his Mum (she is 36 weeks pregnant) so I let him have the iPad, mainly because I didn’t want to spoil it for all the locals by having him twatting little Thomas into big Percy for two hours

    I live in France, my wife is French, my kids are French, and they behave just as annoyingly as any Anglo Saxon kids do in restaurants . As do the kids of all our friends, and it is very easy to give in and let them use the phone. Usually towards the end, after we tried the drawing and games, that ultimately end up in the kids bickering and fighting about who is using which coloured crayon.

    I have always had the rule of no devices out and about. Makes for better conversation with the kids. They need to be in the real world not stuck headfirst in a screen

    We don’t tend to have phones or iPads at the table unless we are all so f-ing tired we don’t care anymore! That’s said, our youngest (18 months) did not miss a trick last time we took him out to a restaurant when a similar aged toddler on the next table had Duggie all set up on a phone - he watched the crap out of that over her shoulder 😎

    Oh the fear I felt when the battery died on my 5 year olds tablet on the flight home 😥 luckily only a few minutes before the coming into land rules and seat belt signs came on! Real world problems 🙄😂

    We will be there soon and if I want a hot meal the boy will have his iPad!

    When we gave our kid his tablet in Bordeaux restaurant, last week, it was like a zombie apocalypse...kids creeping up behind his back to watch it 😂 When we crossed over into Spain, Bilbao, we just chucked him into the streets and let him run wild with all the other kids, while various boozy adults just pinged them out the way 😂.

    We have lived in France with our 3 boys for 8 months now. They can out-Fortnight-dance all the other kids in any Place de la Republic. #flyingtheflag

    I'm the one who's child raised the standards, by watching you tube videos on his tablet while playing on his switch, with an ear plug for each in each year #adhdmultitasker #raisinggamergoals

    I think the fact you can get your kids mildly drunk at dinner time in France probably helps sedate them.

    Our kid's minecrafting her way around Cornwall, nothing short of watching dad being swallowed whole by a Basking Shark off Watergate bay would make her look up from that fxxking tablet.

    Did you also notice how quiet it was and that the kids were mostly behaving well.

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    Happy Monday. Just a quick reminder that kids are better than us. ... See MoreSee Less


    Comment on Facebook

    Awesome, he’s my hero.

    Too cute bless him 👏

    Lucky...my brother would have put me back on the bike & made me do it again & again.

    It was at that point that Lance decided to take substances and move into professional cycling



    Heather Grieve Kenny Grieve N&D 😂😂

    Helen Williamson

    Illy Vanilly

    Anna Harshbarger Phillipa Collett

    Gwen Jones imagine the drama if that had been Eben!

    Emma LW

    Linden Jones

    Michael Barrow T & S 😂😂😂

    Nell Hilditch

    Emily Heney brother and sister goals x


    Steve Cleare x

    Michael Martini, I'd come and check on you 😍😍😍

    Jenna E Scottow

    Nyah Grant

    Tom Booy

    Christy Maria

    Martin Diver this is definitely our kids!

    James 'crusher' Baker how cute 😊

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    No daft caption.. just posting this pic because there are 7.83 billion humans on this dirt ball and I’m up a mountain with my very favourite one. Love you Charlie boy. x #lookathislittleface #fridayjoy ... See MoreSee Less

    No daft caption.. just posting this pic because there are 7.83 billion humans on this dirt ball and I’m up a mountain with my very favourite one. Love you Charlie boy. x #lookathislittleface  #fridayjoy


    Comment on Facebook

    By the way.. this is precisely why you should follow us on Instagram.😂 www.instagram.com/manversusbaby/?hl=en

    Beautiful picture❤️❤️ whereabouts are you? Looks like the Alps?

    My little one at the park yesterday doing a similar cheer! Makes it all worth it

    Gorgeous picture. This is us going to Disneyland Paris last year. Look at the joy of my youngest with clenched fists! ❤️

    Look a Charlie's face!! He's so bloody adorable, Matt!!! 💖 My little boy, Alex, sat in Daddy's car! (He said he was driving to Aldi for some Flapjacks and strawberry milkshake!!! 😂😂😂) Xxx

    Beautiful pic!!!!!..... your arm though. So long #SecretStretchArmstrong🤣👍🤪

    Matt.....you have VERY long arms.... Just saying..

    Aww Love this!

    Great photo 😁😁

    Aww his little face! Love it!

    Bless him!!

    Love it!

    Precious 😊


    Fab pic <3...(and Lyns joint favourite too 😉 )

    This picture is awesome. Happy Child proud daddy ! ♥️

    Gorgeous picture. Here is my handsome dude!

    He looks so happy! Lovely Father Son memories 😊

    cute pic..... my drive home from work through the mountains it's a beautiful day

    Love it! Those pictures where they have just pure joy on their faces:). This is my particular favourite of my little girl. So content on her scooter!

    And I'm going to like this photo just because it's a great photo xx

    What an adorable boy and dad's not too bad

    My son’s delightful table manners at the Hard Rock Cafe, Florida. He’s 17 now and has improved slightly 😂

    Go go gadget arms! Lovely pic😁

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    To mark World Breastfeeding Week I thought I’d share this from my first book: ‘Dummy’. ...I was pissed off at the time, not just by the usual oddballs, but by a spate of high profile figures complaining about feeding in public.

    “Every few months some celebrity will chime in about how they find it 'disgusting'. Or, some backwards restaurant or hotel will destroy their own Tripadvisor rating by demanding some poor woman 'cover up' (as though she's naked and streaking past the salad bar rather than just feeding a baby).

    Comments from professional twat, Katie Hopkins, about breastfeeding women are typical:

    “They don't have the right to put everyone else off having milk in their tea. Put it away girls”.

    Nigel Farage apparently agreed when he suggested that maybe breastfeeding women (and not just the brown ones) should “sit in a corner”.

    How about moral arbiter of good taste Katie Price? This permanently exposed human bouncy-castle said:

    “I don’t want to eat my dinner and see a woman’s boob out.”

    (Which is a bit rich given that, for the best part of two decades, the whole of the U.K. hasn't been able to have so much as a round of toast without seeing her inflated tits on telly or in a newspaper.)

    Even social philosopher, Kim Kardashian has waded in to the debate, using her notoriously wide-ranging vocabulary to tweet “Ew”, when a woman began breastfeeding near her.

    Ew, indeed.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.. if you have a problem with breastfeeding in public you are a f**king weirdo. Take the test, and if you answered mainly C’s....
    ... See MoreSee Less

    To mark World Breastfeeding Week I thought I’d share this from my first book: ‘Dummy’. ...I was pissed off at the time, not just by the usual oddballs, but by a spate of high profile figures complaining about feeding in public.

“Every few months some celebrity will chime in about how they find it disgusting. Or, some backwards restaurant or hotel will destroy their own Tripadvisor rating by demanding some poor woman cover up (as though shes naked and streaking past the salad bar rather than just feeding a baby).

Comments from professional twat, Katie Hopkins, about breastfeeding women are typical:

“They dont have the right to put everyone else off having milk in their tea.  Put it away girls”.

Nigel Farage apparently agreed when he suggested that maybe breastfeeding women (and not just the brown ones) should “sit in a corner”. 

How about moral arbiter of good taste Katie Price?  This permanently exposed human bouncy-castle said:

“I don’t want to eat my dinner and see a woman’s boob out.”

(Which is a bit rich given that, for the best part of two decades, the whole of the U.K. hasnt been able to have so much as a round of toast without seeing her inflated tits on telly or in a newspaper.)

Even social philosopher, Kim Kardashian has waded in to the debate, using her notoriously wide-ranging vocabulary to tweet “Ew”, when a woman began breastfeeding near her.

Ew, indeed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.. if you have a problem with breastfeeding in public you are a f**king weirdo.  Take the test, and if you answered mainly C’s....


    Comment on Facebook

    One of the hardest but most amazing things I’ve been lucky enough to do. Luckily everyone I have encountered are supportive. It wouldn’t take much to make a new mum a recluse and raising a tiny human is hard!

    So many of your lovely stories about your communities being supportive and welcoming to breastfeeding have made me so happy!

    I once had a late 40's businessman get up from the middle of what was clearly a coffee/meeting to approach me as I tried to feed my 3 month old baby on a weird stool in a John Lewis cafe. I dreaded what he would say, but then he moved a chair for me so I could sit at their table, parked my buggy, got me a glass of water, and got my cake and coffee and brought it to me all while telling his business partner to move to the stool. Then, he said "It goes too fast. I remember how hard it was for my wife to get around when my son was little." I cried forever.

    The worst experience I had was at a Christening “do” in a hotel. I asked the staff where I could feed my youngest daughter & they sent me to the ladies loo! It was awful so for every feed after the first I found myself a quiet corner of the room where we could both be comfortable & relax. No one even noticed! I thought the staff hopeless & uncaring. So proud of my eldest daughter who has breastfeed her own daughter wherever baby needed feeding. She did receive the odd scowl but she ignored or stared back, no-one ever complained!

    I have been very lucky that in all the many times I fed my two babies in public the only comments I got were positive. "Ooh hungry baby" "Hope mummy's getting her lunch too" "Good for you" type of thing. And mostly from older people (probably due to my venue choice). The only time I did consider "covering up" was for an older relative's birthday party and some lady did twitter about "finding a room for me in case I needed to feed" but as it was baby slept through the whole event.

    An elderly lady stopped to speak to me while I was feeding on a shopping mall bench. Clearly feeling very strongly, she quietly said how lovely it was to see young women breastfeeding their babies in public, she thought we were so brave, they'd been told to be ashamed and hide. She was both wistful and glad that things were different for us.

    I fed our 4 year old until she was just over 2 years old and I'm now feeding our 18 month old. I've recently been accepted on to the board of volunteers for NHS Wales with the hope of bringing back breastfeeding peer support workers onto the maternity units and will hopefully soon be setting up a breastfeeding support group in my local town. #normalisebreastfeeding

    Fed my first till he was 20 months, and my new baby four months and counting. I feed in private, in public, indoors, outdoors, in churches, in cinema, anywhere I happen to be. I’ve had two separate occasions where I felt I was getting dirty looks, but otherwise people either don’t notice, don’t care, make eye contact and smile and twice, have said something positive and encouraging. That’s it! I hate to think new mothers are put off feeding because everyone says they get abuse as it isn’t always the case.

    🙌 👏 Yes sir!! As a new mother who has only fed in public once so far, and with great support, seeing posts such as these during this week is giving me more and more confidence to keep going. It's such a difficult journey as it is, without people judging and being ridiculous about the most natural thing in the world. X

    I was on the reception at work the other day when a young woman came for her appointment with a very young baby. She asked me what the policy was on breast feeding so I told her, if her baby needed feeding to go ahead and feed her.

    I fed my first child past one and I’m now feeding the second who is 9 months. I feed her wherever she needs to be feed, I can sit down and it’s cleanish. This has included many aeroplanes, cafes, parks, restaurants, shopping centres and even church. I have never had any kind of negative comment, not so much as a tut or a huff! I’ve had a few acts of kindness (someone buying me a drink, another offering to cut my food) but mainly I’ve had no reaction at all. It’s really not that obvious even without a cover of any kind. On a couple of occasions I’ve had people ask for a cuddle with the baby and I’ve had to say ‘when they’ve finished feeding’! I don’t understand why infant feeding is such a drama. You should be able to feed a baby (breast or bottle) anywhere they need to be without anyone feeling the need to comment or judge.

    Love your post, a little sad as at the grand old age of 23.5 months, I’ve just stopped breastfeeding my toddler. Didn’t know it was BF week. Feeling wee bit emotional about stopping.

    Oh. I thought Katie Hopkins and Katie Price were the same person. I'll have to pay more attention in future. Maybe.

    I breastfed my beautiful prem baby girl as she was in neo natal for 8 weeks so I was expressing at first. I did feel a lot of pressure to do it but knew it was the best thing I could ever do for her. I can't say it was without pain but we both persevered and she thrived. Unfortunately I didn't have the confidence to do it in public then but if I had the chance again I'd whack em out and not give a toss about anyone else but us two.

    I was sitting in the seating area of a Center Parcs while my family swam. My baby needed feeding and I was terrified that someone was going to say something negative, so I took loads of stuff to cover up with (even though it’s 34 degrees on pool side...). We nearly boiled alive so I had to feed a bit more noticeably, and I was worried. No one did anything other than smile; younger men, younger women, older men and women. Most didn’t really notice. One then approached me and she smiled loads, said she was proud of me for publicly feeding, that I was probably inspiring someone who might not normally have the confidence to feed out and about, and how she missed it so much with her children. To carry on and be proud of feeding him through the good and the bad. Left me with such a smile that week 🙂

    We currently live in the Middle East and over here breastfeeding is the norm. My wife has been feeding our 5 month old since birth and never once over here has she been in a situation where she’s felt awkward or embarrassed. However, when we came back to the UK to let our family meet the new arrival she was stared at, had people show their obvious disgust and others walk out of the room when they realised what she was doing. Luckily these incidents have not really phased her and she has just carried on - our son needs feeding and he is absolutely thriving on it! Here’s the boy getting a recharge at the airport this morning! As my wife put it #marvellousmilkymammaries

    I once got a fresh meal delivered to me, free of charge, in an Italian restaurant because the waiter noticed mine had gone cold whilst feeding my baby. People are mostly quietly brilliant about breastfeeding, because it’s normal! Only a few loud mouths (the usual lot) seem to want to ruin it like they do everything else that can’t marketed and turned into profit.

    I had 2 looong bus journeys today, and of course in those journeys little dude needing feeding. Did make me giggle realising how hard people try not to look anywhere even near my general direction 😂 I was using a blanket anyway because little dude is so nosey otherwise so no chance they'd accidentally get an eyeful 😂😂

    I’ve pumped in public many times before (exclusive pumper) and thankfully not had anyone say a word to me. I’ve had a few dodgy looks from people probably wondering what on earth i’m doing underneath my cardigan, but no one approached me.

    I've never been confident in public feeding, I've never been around it really, the only regret of my decision to breastfeed was not owning it more, nearly 18 months of bloody hard, extremely rewarding work.

    When my baby was 3 weeks old he screamed to be fed halfway through a shop at aldi. Rather than go and sit in my car and abandon my shopping, I popped him up under the poncho I was wearing at the time and fed him. I dont think anyone noticed, apart from a 70ish year old woman who walked up to me and tapped my arm...I thought here we go. To my surprise and delight she said could she congratulate me on my confidence and putting my childs needs first, she had been a health visitor for many years and it warmed her heart to see people feeding in public. This will stay with me for far longer than the negative comment I have received (last week, when my friends and I were told to stop feeding sitting poolside because there were no loungers available).

    I think it's just a woman doing what mother nature intended. I don't have children myself due to medical issues but if I had, I would have breast fed. Its beautiful that it helps the little one get the best start in life, but I understand that sometimes it just doesn't work that way.

    I was once walking around our local shopping centre breastfeeding my youngest (he was about 3 or 4 months old) not one person noticed until I was at the tills in superdrug and the cashier asked if she could see his face. I laughed and said hes feeding at the moment, I dont think hed be very happy if I took him off 😂😂 (he was a screamer.... well he still is and hes 2 now! Lol) after having 5 babies, I finally figured out that it wasnt my problem if somebody took offense, I would rather my child be fed and content than screaming because they were hungry 🤷‍♀️

    We're breastfeeding our second here so if Katie shitkins wants to come and have a go 😎

    I got comments from an old lady at the bus stop once. She commented that she hoped I wasn't about to feed my child because really that should be done in private 🤦‍♀️ Didn't like to tell her that actually I'd been feeding for the whole 15 minutes that we'd been chatting and what she saw was me adjusting my top to put it away 😂

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    You’re three, how the hell do you know people? ... See MoreSee Less

    You’re three, how the hell do you know people?


    Comment on Facebook

    It’s worse when Charlie comes running up with some random kid saying ‘Can ‘Ethan’ come back to our house?’ No he can’t, I’ve no idea who bloody Ethan is, and I’m not entirely sure you do either.

    And they know you too.... you're walking round sainsbury's and since random kid says "oh look its Fred's mum' ..... who the heck are you?? You arrive at nursery gate and they're like meerkats, the watcher sounds out the call 'john John... your mums here'

    There are not enough kids called Keith!

    We went to a theme park the other day. My 4 year old pointed at a seemingly random woman and said ‘oh look, there’s one of my ladies’. Apparently it was one of the nursery staff. We wondered if our daughter was the head of some grease style gang 🤷🏻‍♀️

    I work as a nanny. I came into work one morning and my bosses said “so, how do all the staff at cafe uno know our kids?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    This happened with my 5 year old only we were in Zante! The kids did actually know each other from school!

    I picked my son up from Nursery a few weeks ago, (18th July - the day before they broke up). We came outside, but one of his friends was staying all day so was in the nursery's outside playing area. He shouted bye to all his friends, then proceeded to ask one of his friends "*Bert, do you want to come to my house?!" To which Bert responded "Yes Please!!!" He hadn't even asked me, and I had to tell my son it wasn't happening!!!! Jeez!!!! (*Incidentally, Bert his not his real name!! I just can't remember which friend he asked!! 🤣🤣🤣)

    We threw our son a birthday party at a soft play centre for his 4th birthday and we'd paid extra to have it "exclusive" meaning it was closed to the public. long story short, I didnt know any of the kids from nursery or their parents and we had had 2 gatecrashers where the Dad had wandered in off the street, ignored the signs, signed his kid into the party and let them play as part of the party and then they disappeared when I questioned why they didn't come down from the play equipment to eat or play party games. It was only when my son said he didn't know who they were and nursery confirmed there weren't kids of that name at the nursery that I realised they'd wandered in off the street and bagged themselves a free play and nobody noticed because we didn't have a clue who anyone was 😂

    Or when you pick up your one year old from nursery and they tell you he had a lovely day playing with his friends. No, he’s one, he doesn’t have friends, they’re other children who want the same toy he’s playing with and who stare each other out till one gives in. 🙄

    My son is three and he walks down the street with people giving him high fives and fist bumps, hey Fergus, how you doing etc .. oh and hello, you must be his mum? Yes, I'm part of the entourage.

    I have it slightly different - every parent knows my child and every child knows I'm my child's mum even though me and the other parents have know idea who eachother are! We have to get introduced through our children 🤦.

    This happened to me at a new toddler group. My daughter ran up to another child and they hugged and chatted, his mum came over and went 'oh you're Juliette's mum, we hear a lot of stories about her when he comes home from nursery' 🤦‍♀️ Turns out my younger daughter is just as bad for being known to all....

    My 3 year old goes shy and refuses to speak to the other children. On the other hand hes more than happy to loudly shout out the car window and explain to random strangers that daddy had a poo earlier.

    I had some one on one time at the shops a month or so ago with my 6yo and he had a very loud and dramatic moment with one of his teachers in Kmart. It was hilarious. Also every second kid we passed (even the older ones) knew who he was.

    Our 6 year old recently told us she was putting on a play at our house and had invited her whole class. We asked if she thought she should have asked anything before inviting people hoping to get her to realise parents needed to be involved in these types of arrangements - her response ‘oh yes! Daddy can you build me a stage?’ 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

    Walking along the street random “kid”, maybe about late-20s walks towards us nods at my son “hey wee man, how’s you?” “Cool” says my son, “going to the game on Saturday” “yep” “great see you there” “yeah see you later” high fives and he’s gone. I’m standing speechless wondering what the hell just happened. Who was that I ask, my 8 year old’s reply ...... that’s my mate from the pub!!! He goes to the football with my cousin and his mates and they meet in the pub beforehand!! (I did say to him maybe better not say to his teachers he goes to the pub - but seemingly it’s ok cos they go to the pub and the match with them too!!)

    I work in a playcenter and quiet often a child from my daughters nursery will come in and they will say hello ect. Ive been asked by a few parents now how i knkw their kids name. 😂🙈

    It's when they deny knowledge of who you are that it gets really silly. Picked up step son from school as per usual and his friend asked who I was (I'm obviously not Mum). Step son shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know". I had to quickly introduce myself to this 9 year old and remind my step son what my name was.

    Or when you meet a parent from daycare out in the real world and they keep saying to their toddler "Look! It's Emil from daycare!" "Look who it is, Emil!" "What's Emil doing here? How great!", but you have absolutely no idea what their child is called (or that they go to the same daycare)... "Well isn't that... someone from daycare? How fun!" 😳

    What I find worse is my five year old writing letters to her friends that I’ve never met and then expecting me to post them! Apparently the lack of address doesn’t matter, I can just look at a map to figure out! 🙈😂

    When my kid was 3, we rocked up to a place, 20km away from our house, to buy some stuff they were selling on Gumtree. We get there and she’s like “oh hey it’s Naomi! Naomi hey!” And proceeds to have a chat with their kid. Who we don’t know and her patents didn’t know us...or our kid...and she had the name right, it was Naomi . To this day we can’t figure out she knew Naomi.

    A few weeks ago we attended a summer concert at the sage in Gateshead where our youngest daughter was singing, we are all sat down it’s dark and a parent and child get up for the loo, all we hear is hi Harrison, my son is like hi Isla, his dad and I were like soo who’s that? Oh it’s just a girl from school, he’s 7

    Walking round a shop, hearing my sons name being repeated in a creepy voice (think nightmare on elm Street) I look around and see a little girl. I ask my son if he knows her. He pointedly shakes his head and walks on. We eventually run into the little girl with her mother at the end of an aisle. She says his full name and gives him a hug. He clutches onto my hand the entire time. They've been in preschool together for 10 months. Turns out he just doesn't like her too much because she, and I quote, "hugs me all the time and doesn't let go" And so the cycle of social awkwardness continues from father to son 😂

    We live on a city owned golf course and my daughter made nearly a thousand dollars last summer selling lemonade to golfers. Pretty sure every golfer in my town knows my daughter and at this point they’ll stop and chat when we’re out and about while I just stand there looking stupid.

    Or when you lose all identity and have random kids yelling 'Hi Tilly's mam!' wherever you go 🤣

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    4 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    It’s bubble wand season again people. 🙄 ... See MoreSee Less

    It’s bubble wand season again people. 🙄


    Comment on Facebook

    By the way, any of you trying to revive a dead bubble wand.. I admire your optimism but you’re embarrassing yourself. ...Bubble wand liquid is highly complex chemistry you can’t just squirt in a bit of fairy and top it up from the tap.

    Tape the tube part to something upright in the garden, they can then dip the wand without the spillage risk.... best Mum hack I ever read!

    True. I’ve now taped one to the post for the washing line. That way they can blow bubbles for hours (well minutes) but they can’t spill the contents.

    Total truth.

    My nana always managed it. And she even made her own wand with gardening wire. The good old days! 😂

    Purchased bubble wand in local co-op. Assistant asked if we needed a bag...grandaughter said ‘what good is that to a dolphin grandma?’ Congratulations to the school curriculum, message getting through!

    We used to cable tie the tubes to the railings at our preschool. Then just top up the bubbles x

    We do this! we have 4 in total, one on each leg of the swing and we refill from a large gazillion bubbles bottle from local toy shop 😊👍

    My worst enemy in the world of toys. We switched to a bubble machine. I hope we never have to see one of these again!🤞😝

    So true. In fact the same applies to the lifecycle of a bubble gun too, apparently! Purchase...delight... Hand to toddler... toddler smashed irreparably.... tears. 😱😭

    From your friendly neighbourhood reception teacher ☺️

    Every container of bubble mixture we have ever had has been emptied in seconds....but still I buy em and hope this one will be the lifechanger 😂😂

    People spend 3.99 on a bubble wand???!! I buy a pack of 3 from Poundland and they are pretty decent bubbles. 👍🏻

    My son did this so now I stick them in a big flower pot so they stay upright & u just dip the wand in 😉

    You can buy a litre of bubble mixture for a couple of quid (just in case you're unable to mix washing up liquid and water yourself) and extend the fun by refilling the wands for an almost infinite number of days/weeks/months etc.

    You missed the bit about using washing up liquid to try and save the day, but it never works!

    You missed the bit where the wand pops out of the handle and you spent 45 mins trying to pick it out of the liquid bit with fingers too big to fit into the top!!

    So true! Sigurd’s lasted about half an hour! 😂😂

    Child also breaks bubble wand so you cannot refill and have to buy a new one. Repeat every weekend!! 😬🤪

    Big tuff tray and a hoop with bubble mixture works great too!

    We went to the Droitwich canal festival and our 2 year old was entranced with the "Bubble gun " being sold there. Being a big kid myself (I'll grow old but I'll NEVER grow up) I bought one and the pack of 9 bottles for £10 😯. We got home and within an hour, all the bubbles were gone and the bubble gun was broken. I would say it was worth it to see the joy in the wee man's face but most of the bottles of bubble liquid went all over the back garden. Back to using the empty fairy liquid bottle and washing up liquid.

    Or you could go to Disney world in Florida spend $25 EACH (because of course they can’t share 1) on bubble wands for them never to be looked at after this day 💸💸💸

    We've used a bucket of sandpit sand to put ours in. And a huge refill of bubble mix for extra bubbles. 😁

    “Bubble wands” on sale at the local children’s farm 🙈

    Alternative ending: child pours entire content of bubble wand on to your phone. Everyone cries for an hour.

    + View more comments

    4 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    #itwasonoffer #aldimiddleaisleofmadness #shitforgotthemilkandbread ... See MoreSee Less

    #itwasonoffer #aldimiddleaisleofmadness #shitforgotthemilkandbread


    Comment on Facebook

    Ok.. everybody play it cool.. but over on Instagram.. Hacker T. Dog just commented on this.

    Circular saw & multi tool in my trolley this week. I will need my own when the builders are finished. 😂

    Literally just bought a dinghy on Saturday lol. Having said that, AWESOME weekend with the kids, best £40 I’ve spent in ages!

    Just put this up for my sons from a middle aisle purchase. We already have 3 paddling pools but this I just had to have! X

    I bought a bouncy castle... I don't have a garden and not enough space to put it up in the flat 😂

    The middle Aisle is like a creche for guys. It will keep them happy for ages

    I had to buy their bag. For some reason it spoke to me on a special level!

    Genius! You gotta love Lidl and Aldi! We popped into our local Lidl to literally pick up milk, cheese and mini cucumbers and my husband nearly leaves with a ukulele!! 😂

    There are times when being a pedestrian and not wanting to spring for a taxi is a wonderful thing ! 😂

    This actually happened to me - went to buy nappies, came out with an inflatable kayak and a tent. We already have a perfectly good tent.

    My husband was appalled enough that I bought a mango and chicken pizza!

    My best Aldi random buy was an archery set, the kids don’t give a toss but I bloody love it to be fair!!

    My Kids ALDI find 😂 barely have enough “ tree” to hang it on, but he was persistent and here we are ....

    My life. I now own a glue gun.

    my father went to Bunnings once to buy hedge-clippers. he came back with hedge clippers too. the accompanying sofa and two-chair lounge-suite raised a few eyebrows on arrival though

    I went in this morning to exchange an oven dish that was delivered broken....I am now £115 poorer....but have a new drill, self inflatable cool bag plus much more stuff that I really do need 🤣

    I like the "middle of Lidl" especially for the horse riding helmets (I live in Govan, middle of a poor bit of the city) and fly fishing sets. Truly, I just need money and a field and I'm sorted. I live by the river, but fly fishing for trout? Not a fisherman so not sure if that's the right kind? 🤔 Also no licence!

    So true....when there is a camping event you have to buy all the gear to make yourself feel better that because it is the summer holidays you are a good parent and you are going to take your whole family camping!!!

    We’ve just been through our Aldi phase, I’ve just banned my husband from going there ever again, as I worked out we were not saving a penny and my house was full of crap 😆😆 apart from the hoops - my daughter likes them best for breakfast!! Chris McMahon

    But if it means my hubby will go food shopping, on his own, then I'm all for it regardless of what essential item he finds to bring home 😂😉

    “I fancy one of those inflatable kayaks” says husband, in all seriousness, as I read him this - for a joke 🙄😂

    Very pleased with all my past purchases, the aluminium folding flat bed trolley was a must. As was the soldering iron, both of which husband has squirelled away in his garage, after taking the piss of course. Just love their middle isles and it's so much more fun with kids.

    Went in for school skirts came out £90 lighter and 2 new shopping bags so I could carry all the shit I'd bought back home 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

    Our kids call them the 'fun aisles'!

    I actually saw bongos for sale a few months ago! 🤷‍♀️

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  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.


    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.


  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…


    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.