• This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.


    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • Facebook Posts

    20 hours ago

    Man vs Baby

    #wednesdaywisdom ... See MoreSee Less



    Comment on Facebook

    I wouldn't share this with a youngster because of language and what will your own children think when they are older about your choice of language. Very disappointed

    Because Katie Hopkins speaks her mind? She has a different opinion to you? Because she doesn’t “tow the line” and let lefty libtards try to shut her down. You’re part of the problem dude. Have you looked at some the shit coming from Labour or do you think they’re ok, it’s all the rights fault? Give it a rest.

    And if the room temperature goes above 28 degrees C you are legally permitted to jump ship. For readers in Scotland the rule is if it goes below 0 degrees C you can refuse to sit the exam. X

    I don't know who that is... but this still made me laugh.

    To be honest I find this offensive , offensive to c##ts 😂

    Vicki Anderton show this to ur girls if they start getting worked up over exams!

    I literally have a bit of a Man-crush on you right now!

    Kerry Goodall.... share this with the students in an inspiring, life affirming address 🧐 xxxx

    Myah, remember this during your exams! 😂😂

    My son has his physics exam right now, and he’s been dreading it, I’ll show him this when he gets home 😂

    Reminded me of this page 😂😂

    Emma Conway.... saw you liked this, how funny?!? 😂

    Loads of qualifications and other people's husbands and not an ounce of humanity!

    Pretty much the best motivational poster I’ve ever seen! 🤣

    Robin Warnock I thought this would make you chuckle 😂

    James Bibby in case you need to make any motivational speeches

    Catherine Drury we could have this as a poster in the exam hall?

    Will definitely share this wisdom with my daughter after her Physics GCSE today....she'll need some light relief!

    Amber Buckley she's also on lot of money, somehow! 😂

    Wish I had seen this before my exam this morning x

    Will share with my Son doing English and Physics GCSEs today 😂

    Ollyver... Just remember this and you wont stress so much pmsl

    Absolutely love this xx

    John Males thought this might make you laugh 😂

    Karen Kent I was thinking "oh I might share this with E, then I got to the end" 😂😂😂

    + View more comments

    4 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    ... See MoreSee Less


    Comment on Facebook

    For Aaron Natasha Barber x

    Lesley Houghton

    5 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    So, I’ve spent the last 2 weeks totally taking the piss out of the royal wedding and the circus surrounding it. But today, as it turns out, the circus stopped for a moment and in the middle of the Big Top.. surrounded by the clowns and sword-swalllowing of pomp and circumstance.. two people told each other that of all the people that they’d met on this planet of nearly 8 billion.. they thought that the other was the best ever. And if that doesn’t make you smile a bit, then you have a bag of dust where your heart should be.

    And all piss-take aside.. remembering that little boy staring at the gravel as he walked behind a gun carriage 20 years ago, ..my overwhelming thought was that if that kid is happy today then I can’t help but be happy too.

    ..And, no that’s not a tear.. actually, I have allergies.. ..so, like, god, whatever.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    So, I’ve spent the last 2 weeks totally taking the piss out of the royal wedding and the circus surrounding it.  But today, as it turns out, the circus stopped for a moment and in the middle of the Big Top.. surrounded by the clowns and sword-swalllowing of pomp and circumstance.. two people told each other that of all the people that they’d met on this planet of nearly 8 billion.. they thought that the other was the best ever.  And if that doesn’t make you smile a bit, then you have a bag of dust where your heart should be.  

And all piss-take aside.. remembering that little boy staring at the gravel as he walked behind a gun carriage 20 years ago, ..my overwhelming thought was that if that kid is happy today then I can’t help but be happy too.  

..And, no that’s not a tear.. actually, I have allergies.. ..so, like, god, whatever.


    Comment on Facebook

    •Volunteered for 2 tours of Afghanistan. •Set up Invictus games helping wounded service personal. ° Numerous unpaid charity volunteer appointments all over the world. •Family brings in 400 million a year in private revenue that under the “ sovereign act 2011” the government keeps £360 million of. •Family brings in £1.8 billion per year in tourism. •Country better off by £2.1 billion a year. Remind me how the wedding is waste of tax payers money ? ° The wedding is paid for by the Royal heritage and private funding not the tax payer and that includes her dress! ° The tax payer will pay for the public security not private security. The same way the tax payer pays for public security at football matches etc. Dont be a zombie and believe everything you see and read on the Internet, do a little research before sharing propaganda. Like it or not, the Royal family is a British tradition and icon. Let’s not forget that most the twats complain about spending tax payers money are the ones who sit and sign for that money every Wednesday or daft liberals who haven't got a clue about reality. That’s what I think. I also think you need to know more about facts before commenting.

    I was watching to see who had been invited but I just got caught up in it all. It was lovely, from the little lad who was holding her train & was so excited when the fanfare began to the choir singing stand by me. The only thing that put a dampener on it for me was seeing Victoria Beckham looking as miserable as ever.

    Bernie lovely wedding great they love each other but it's not just about that it's about our hard earned money spent on this wedding. N.h.s homeless and the poor in this country is getting worse yet we spend millions on a bloody wedding. If they love each other that much then they don't need the poor people's money. All this has highlighted to me is the unfairness of the gap between the privelleged and the unprivelledged. We have people selling their homes to fund their families cancer treatments and Megan wears a tiara worth millions which is just sitting there in a cabinet. Disgusting and makes me so angry. The banquet they eat tonight could probably feed thousands of starving families. The government keep going on about austerity yet they are excluded from this.We paid for this wedding they don't work remember. So yes how lovely they found each other now go get a proper job and pay for their lifestyle themselves.😁

    I’m with you. Harry and William will always be those small boys doing something enormous in my eyes and if she possibly can be I know Diana will be smiling down with the biggest happiest Mumma smile on her face. Happy, happy wedding day Harry and Meghan 😍😍😍

    Bet you enjoyed the fact he was caught telling the billions round the world he was "shitting it" too! 😂

    Wow readings through these comments it is so hard not to be drawn into his republic hating rhetoric. Two people got Married today. Remember that. Both have status. Both on the face of it at least don’t really court the fame game. Yes they have privileges 99% of us don’t have but that is life in what is a pretty ace country. I am a liberal thinking type and yes sometimes the elite do get on my tits with their jolly hockey sticks bollocks but this country is the envy of the world when it comes to this sort of thing. Harry and Megan going round Windsor today was such a great advert for our way of life and should be something to cherish. If all these people who on the face of it would like to change the country because they don’t like the privilege that some people have then I would invite them to vote with their feet. England has been a monarchy from 1066 if my history serves me well. A country needs a head of state and I feel the current head of state has served us all very well. It is easy for critics of the monarchy to chuck slander at them and wish they could be got rid off but they have been born into this life. Probably most of them would walk away if at all possible but that is not an option. Yes they look like they have such gifted privileged life’s but I expect if you were to ask them if they would swap that to be able to walk into a supermarket and buy a simple item without being judged or photographed by the hyena pack of paparazzi then most of them would give up that gift of privilege. I would say to people who would be rid of this constitutional monarchy way of life be careful what you wish for. This green and pleasant land is a fragile balance which is kept in balance by a head of State for which I feel keeps our moral compass pointing in the right direction.

    There's a lot wrong in this country. The royal family is NOT one if them. We do events like today better than anywhere in the world. If your not proud to be British today you should be ashamed of yourself.

    I used to help a very elderly neighbour - kitty. She was 96 when Diana died. About a week later she told me Diana had come to her in a dream with a very important message. She told me that Diana wanted her sons to know that when she got pregnant with each of them she had 💖 their father very much. She was adamant that they should know this. I asked Kitty why she thought Diana had come to her with this message (as she had absolutely no connection to anyone in the royal family) "that's obvious" Kitty said, "Mother Theresa is dead" You'll remember Diana and Mother Theresa died just days apart Kitty always made me smile but actually she was absolutely serious and so in case anyone knows the princes, can you pass the message on ?

    Totally with you Matt. I was so bloody sick of hearing about it but then I saw two people very much in love have the most incredible day ever and totally blubbed. My emotional cup overfloweth.... I am made up that her culture was included and I loved the diversity embraced today around two people who could've been any two people anywhere ever who are clearly very, very happy. X

    I loved every single second of this. It was so beautiful.......and soooo insanely bittersweet! In case you're wondering..........I wore threadbare pajama bottoms, an old t-shirt, thick socks. Hair style was quite casual and zero make-up. I was going to tape a sideways paper plate to my head but I don't have any. The celebratory buffet will consist of re-heated mac-n-cheese and maybe a veggie burger. Finger foods will include chips-eaten-right-out-of-the-bag. Please R.S.V.P. by last Friday.

    Well said. I've enjoyed every minute and ignored narrow minded comments. I saw a family in unity today and totally admired Prince Charles too for his very open and gentlemanly approach to all he did today for his new Daughter in Law and her mum. The genuine love between Harry and Megan was so obvious to see. Well done to them for cleverly keeping to tradition but adding some very modern personal touches too 💜

    I have to say i was only going to watch to see her dress and see how handsome Harry looked but ended up watching the whole thing. It was so beautiful. And my allergies played up a couple of times too ☺

    I live in Windsor and was totally sick of hearing about it till Thursday when I took a slow mooch up the town and the atmosphere was great. I watched on the telly and got leaky eyes then walked into town and it's amazing here. It's now gone 6pm and the town is still packed and still buzzing.

    My husband and I sat blubbering, it was so emotional and I too had the image of Harry and William walking behind their mothers coffin. I feel a sense of pride for the wonderful men they have become, it was so special to see the love between Harry and Meghan today and what a ceremony, loved Meghan’s stamp on it! 💙🇬🇧🇺🇸

    Allergies. Smallergies. I sobbed like a baby and I'm not ashamed to say it. Harry is my most favourite Royal by a mile and the love he and Meghan so obviously have for each other is just a joy to see 😍

    Well said. The world full of hate and tragedy. We all should be happy to share in the better moments. Love is always something that should be celebrated and cherished. I wish them every happiness. They really do appear to be besotted. 💕

    Oh that was unfair! I’m pregnant and cry at everything...that made me cry more! Lovely words and so true 💕

    Its true love and i couldn't be happier for them. I dont think i will forget prince Charles face as he walked her down the aisle. He was beaming...the whole thing was just wow xxx

    Totally right, what lovely words... I think Diana and those images of those boys that day 20 years ago will always be in our memories. So to see and share their fabulous days and happiness with them is a privilege. Dianna would of been of proud and tinged with sadness that she wasn’t there to witness it x

    I lost my dad a couple of weeks after Diana died (she died on my birthday too!), I was the same age as Harry. I’ve always had a soft spot for him since 🙂 x

    When William and Harry got out of their car and walked down, it reminded me of them as two little boys walking behind their mother's coffin. I had some 'allergies' from my eyes watching that bit too! 😉😓

    So lovely to read such beautiful posts on this thread. So many people slating this for one reason or other. This is history in the making. Meghan seems like a pretty wonderful woman. Somehow she makes me feel empowered without ever having met her. I wish them both eternal happiness, love and good health

    I think a lot of us saw that little boy and let out a big sigh of relief that he's going to get those unconditional hugs and kisses off meghan like he used to get off his mum xx

    It's a hard day here in the US. It was lovely to take a break from the despair and watch love bloom. #thankyouHarryandMeghan #santafe #texaslove

    Yup. Wasn't interested, wasn't a particularly big fan of hers. Only tuned in to see the hats and outfits. Blubbed for lots of it, her mum, her eyes when she looked at him. Mike and Zara having a moment. That brilliant American reverend, the gospel choir. Lovely lovely.

    + View more comments

    6 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    Advice needed. A toddler has thrown up in the back of my car. He’s fine, just a bug.. but it went everywhere, full-on Exorcist 360 head turn stuff. To make matters worse, it is also one of the hottest days of the year.. consequently my car now smells like Death’s arsehole. I am driving along with all the windows open and it still smells like four tramps have been gang-banging a packet of scotch eggs in the back. I’ve cleaned it, but how do I get rid of the smell!? or do I just drive the car into a field, set fire to it and claim on the insurance? ... See MoreSee Less


    Comment on Facebook

    I can top that! Just collected my dog from the groomer and she had explosive diarrhea all over the front passenger side floor, door and underneath the seat. It actually went into the speaker holes in the door😭😭😭😭 I took it to get it shampooed but I still can't get rid of the smell. It's only a 3 week old car. F.M.L.😭😷😭😷😭😷😭😷

    Park the car somewhere near Salisbury. Head to a phonebox. Dial 99. Tell the operator you've just seen some Russian spies dump the vehicle whilst talking about something called "operation second attempt". They'll send in the army decontamination squad. Problem solved... just.

    Insurance. Every time. We’re on our 75th car for this very reason. The smell never leaves. Sometimes it’s so strong it transfers to the new car too...

    Cake it in bicarbonate of soda, leave 24 hours then vacuum off. The bicarb both acts to draw out the liquid acting as a dessicant and also chemically neutralizes the smells.

    Last year my then 18 month old threw up all over our car on the way home from an Indian restaurant - the resulting curry vomit horror show led to my slightly hungover little sister also projecting her curry. I silently wretched away in the front seat all the way home(about 7 weeks pregnant and not coping well!) and I think my husband might of cried a bit. We had the platinum clean done on the car the next day - took Alfie’s car seat apart and bleached it 😂😭 the smell went eventually...good luck Man vs. Baby

    My issue, is not so much the material in the car... it's the fact that car seat designers clearly design them to be as awkward as Kate McCann hosting Children in Need to clean the lumps of sicked up cow n gate from the various straps and clunky bits of sprung loaded plastic... I resort to the Karcher with the full exterior grade cleaning foam... and a new xmas tree air fresher every 36 hrs for the next 2 months...

    Get rid of it, car not the kid x

    If it's not already been said, and I know this sounds weird, but once you've cleaned, disinfected blah blah blah, if you fill a squirty bottle with cheap (obviously) vodka, and squirt it on the upholstery it will kill the bacteria and get rid if the residual stench. Old theatre costumers' trick

    Throw the toddler away, he'll only go and do it again 🤣. This is why you have more then one child... back up plan. I jest of course, but I'd say bicarb and or shanke n vac.

    Yeah bi carb! My daughter did the same a few years back my husband was in the passenger seat and once he smelt my daughters sick he then threw up in the passenger side foot well! My car stank but bi carb got rid of it!!

    go to the pet store and get some enzymatic cleaner. Here is the US we have something called "Nature's Miracle", works great on all sorts of horrible things that erupt from pets and babies.

    Bicarb of soda as above. At least it was your own car, my son did a 360 vomit in a taxi and narowly missed the back of drivers head. £80 fare.... Have never let him forget it.

    Drive it through the perfume department at House of Fraser. It may not get rid of the aroma, but it will kill your sense of smell for the next few days, by which time it may have subsided...

    Sell the car, when you arrange to meet the buyer, pick somewhere near a sewage plant. They'll assume the smell is that.

    Professional valet. I had to pay £45 for them to sort mine out after my daughter vommed; same with an armchair at home more recently that my son puked on. That smell 😷😷😷😷 just doesn’t go without a professional or you cutting your own nose off 🤣🤣🤣

    Bi carb or just burn it 😭 my little man did the same in his pushchair with the rain cover down. It was a parenting fail I will never forget I stood in the pouring rain looking at a vomit volcano with two blue eyes and I was paralysed. One of those moments where I was totally stumped what to do 🙈😭🤦‍♀️ I did survive however & so did the pushchair thanks to bicarbonate soda x

    I had this Wednesday, the car smelt like Bigfoot’s dick. I can highly recommended leaving a bowl of white wine vinegar in the car overnight. Not sure what it does but Bigfoot appears to have left my car 👍

    This happened to me last week, I feel your pain, the advice I got was "sell your car"! 🙈 I've found breathing through my mouth helps! 🤣

    That's nothing, my toddler went full G.G. Allin this morning in the kitchen and my (unfortunate/stupid) response was "what the fuck would you do that for?" (still feel bad). Anyway, I'd go car - field - fire- insurance.

    Had a colleague who on the hottest day of the year brought in some horse manure for another colleague. We were working at 12.5hr day shift in a maternity unit. By the end of the day her car was putrid, festering & fly filled. We suggested she just drive it into a river & leave it.

    We gave a gluten intolerant kid a lift to a party once. On arrival the poor boy found he couldn’t eat any of the gluten filled treats at said party apart from apples - of which he ate about 45 judging by the amount of apple skin that he produced when he staged a convincing impression of the exorcist on e’s on the way home and upchucked the entire lot. We had puked, half digested apple skin coming out the vents for months afterwards. I legit can’t even begin to tell you what the smell was like.....

    Put it this way, the stuff you use to clean it with will remind you and smell of toddler vomit for the rest of your life! Even when you are 80 years old and someone uses said product to clean something, you will be taken right back to this day and instantly feel queasy.

    Do what I did on holiday last year: leave it in the baking sun for 4 days then carry on and pretend like nothing ever happened. I really should clean it at some stage I suppose.

    You could go down the bicarb route but honestly just get it professionally done by a valeters. Take a book and leave the spawn at home with Linds, enjoy a couple of hours of watching someone else clean your childs mess up in peace and quiet 🙂


    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    Cant believe Meghan Markle’s own dad is not coming to the Royal Wedding because he's worried about causing an ‘embarrassment’.

    Thomas.. This is a fucking English wedding mate, its incomplete without somebody shirtless and smashing up the buffet to 'Come on Eileen'.

    At the average English wedding you don’t make the top 10 of embarrassing guests.. you sir, are an amateur.

    Now get your arse on a plane and walk your daughter down the aisle.

    (Tell you what, If you don’t go.. I’M not going.. and I’m serious).
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Cant believe Meghan Markle’s own dad is not coming to the Royal Wedding because hes worried about causing an ‘embarrassment’. 

Thomas.. This is a fucking English wedding mate, its incomplete without somebody shirtless and smashing up the buffet to Come on Eileen.

At the average English wedding you don’t make the top 10 of embarrassing guests.. you sir, are an amateur.  

Now get your arse on a plane and walk your daughter down the aisle.

(Tell you what, If you don’t go.. I’M not going.. and I’m serious).


    Comment on Facebook

    To be fair Harry’s ol man won’t be there either

    My thoughts are; - Suck it up snowflake. - Keep your gob shut, stick a suit on and walk her down the aisle. - I base my opinion of people on how they treat their kids and the phrase "Sniveling Cockwomble" springs to mind

    My own husband was the embarrassment at our wedding... my brothers got him so drunk I had to slap him (never happened before or again!) and he “redecorated” the suite we got given at the hotel and I had to lay him in the recovery position on waterproof picnic blanket....

    Is he hoping for a personal invitation from The Queen? Your daughter's wedding and you're not dead yet: You clean yourself up. You go. You let her know how proud you are. Be a god damn man.

    At my second wedding the groom and his best mate got into a fight in the back of the car on the way home. Car stopped, they both jumped out, carried on grappling until they fell over, rolled down a slight slope and ended up in the local boating lake. Needless to say, at 8 months pregnant I was not in the mood for that kind of shit so left em there and went home alone!

    The man who allegedly staged paparazzi shoots for his own publicity gain, is now all over the media for saying he might not go to the wedding. A cynical person might think he's doing it for the attention.

    I draw a cock in the guest book of every wedding I go to (including my own) so it’s probably for the best if I don’t go! 👌

    This makes me so angry. I hope it’s because he cannot bear the thought of publicity and the whole world watching him. How sad that he gets to miss the special moment with his daughter. *if I was Meghan I’d insist on a quiet private service the day before so my dad felt comfortable and did the official aisle walking bit without the worlds media watching. **or maybe he doesn’t care?

    I feel really sorry for him. The media have harassed him & everyone else that side of the family & made them look horrid. Granted they aren’t no royals but neither are the rest of us & to make him feel such a let down that he won’t walk his daughter down the aisle is disgusting & the media gave a lot to answer for.

    In my wedding an 85 year old relative set a bin on fire with a cigarette because she was so drunk 😂🙈 luckily the bridal party did well in hiding it and I only found out the next day. 🤪

    My sister in law drunkenly accused my very pregnant friend of drinking all her vodka then the whole of my husbands side of the family took a “family” picture without me , taking my daughter out of my arms so she was in it! Fun times!

    There’s always a family loon that everyone wants to keep hidden. May as well be father of the bride, god knows grandfather of the groom is a nut job.

    Shame on him selling out his own daughter for money!!!! No wonder she had tried to keep her distance. She wants her mother to walk her down the aisle so let her

    My understanding is he had a heart attack last week. Maybe thats the actual reason, as opposed to what's being reported?

    He's not even the most embarrassing guest, there's like 30 of those!! #toesuckedlady #sillyraciallyinsensitivegrandad #flagrantadulters do the right thing dude!

    The embarassment is an English wedding. The wee break in afternoon before the nighttime. In Scotland we just keep going and then we dont finish them at 10pm!

    He’s had a heart attack, not fit to travel but discharged himself and then caught at a McDonalds! I honestly just feel for Meghan, I hope her mum walks her down the aisle!

    This must be so hurtful to Meghan who surely just wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. Come on mate, suck it up and be there for your little girl on her big day!

    She’s best off without him if that’s the case. My Father didn’t come to my wedding or walk me down the aisle and my day was perfect!

    Well, at least it takes the heat off Pippa’s backside. Am I the only one that doesn’t give a toss about this, ‘ere wedding? No bank hol? Not bothered then, Harry love.

    Think this is 'fake news'. He isn't going because he had a heart attack. Much more likely explaination isn't it?

    At least he knows his daughter is getting spliced, I had to remind my dad that I was getting married two days before my wedding 😂😂

    Meghan has her plate full without the "crazy family" antics. Dad & sibs are showing true colours! Her day will be so incredible, she is loved & will have an amazing life

    I think it’s highly more likely that he’s been banned from the wedding by the royal family due to his fraternising with the paparazzi over those staged shots. I don’t think it’s anything to do with embarrassment, he simply cannot he trusted to act with integrity.

    She originally wanted her mum to give her away anyway plus he just had a heart attack and is unable to travel

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    Lovely bit of merchandise for the royal wedding. ..and they’ve nailed the promo pic.

    - “..Your Meghan swimsuit looks ridiculous”

    - “Shut it beard-fanny, and watch how far I can chip this duck”

    #RoyalWedding #merch
    ... See MoreSee Less

    Lovely bit of merchandise for the royal wedding.  ..and they’ve nailed the promo pic.

- “..Your Meghan swimsuit looks ridiculous”

- “Shut it beard-fanny, and watch how far I can chip this duck”

#RoyalWedding  #merch


    Comment on Facebook

    Disgusting old dear formerly from Dartford here...he can have his chin on my fanny any old time...#justsaying

    Best comment I saw on Twitter was “chinge” 😂

    genuinely horrifying - Harry's ass chin sits in a very wrong place !

    Once you see beard fanny it’s all you see! My eyes 🙈

    Kirsty Cannon Kerry-Anne Hastings Ali Sedcole I vote krust gets the harry one, wears the mask and we remake the video

    From the site: Available in 8 sizes from XS - 4XL, this gorgeous one-piece is flattering on any figure. Choose from matte or soft sheen Lycra. Fancy a crafty DIY project? We can send you the printed swimsuit as a textile pattern kit for you to sew yourself at home. No excuse for anyone not to have one - you can even sew your own 😂😂

    Those are so hideously fantastic! The boobs on Harry makes it look like he's growing horns though.......nothing an ace bandage couldn't remedy!

    Amy Perfect for sports day!!!!! 😂😂😂 Which one do you want? xx

    Who sits there in the merchandising dept and says “by Jove I’ve got it! Swimsuits with their faces on them! They’ll sell like hot cakes!”

    This is the reason coffee shot out of my nose today

    Laura Collins Dee Davison Loosay Beth. Emma Burningham ten points if you can get one of these by the weekend. Twenty points if you wear it.

    Claire Gibson, I've found the perfect swimsuit for your holiday. At least if you forget to sort your bikini line out it will all blend into Harry's chin!!

    Any AndMel Goodall Katharina Stiete I’ve changed my mind - I think you should wear these in honour of the royal wedding......

    Chloe Mccaul there's a new swimsuit for you 😂 I can't decide if it's hilariously funny or absolutely terrifying 😬

    Ashleigh, I’m gonna buy is some Harry chin fanny swimmies for when we visit 🤣 I’ll not need to get a wax - it can all blend in 🤪 x

    Jennie, do you want Harry or Meghan? Would be embarrassing if we turned up wearing the same! 😳😂 xx

    Any AndMel Goodall Katharina Stiete I’ve changed my mind - I think you should wear these in honour of the royal wedding......

    Cheryl, Alex - I'm going to be exceptionally disappointed if you both don't turn up on Saturday wearing these 😂

    Carrie Hird - shall I get us these for our prosecco evening on Saturday by way of celebration?! 🤣👍🏻🤣 xxx

    Kat Williams your next swimsuit choices for the next time we have a hot tub weekend 😆😆😆 look at Harry’s chin 🤢xx

    I expect you all to be wearing these and drinking bubbles in a paddling pool by the time I pitch up on Saturday Holly Adele Donna 😂

    I'd love to read comments from the girls in the picture. Do they know they're plastered all over social media? LOL 🙂

    Beats the tea towel and tea pot I guess 😁😂

    Hannah Finch, I know how much you love a Royal Wedding. I just can’t decide which one to go for. Maybe I’ll get both. 🤔👑 xx

    Zoey Empson just be glad your wedding was on the Will&Kate wedding instead of this one, it wouldn’t be masks in your wedding pics it would be these 🤣🤣🤣

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ... “So, before I change your nappy.. I just want to say that I respect you and would like very much to request your permission before I..”

    - Baby: “.. Christ Janet, sorry to interrupt and all that, but you’re gonna have to crack on, this thing’s in mi fucking shoes.. even I’m gagging”.
    ... See MoreSee Less

    ... “So, before I change your nappy.. I just want to say that I respect you and would like very much to request your permission before I..”

- Baby: “.. Christ Janet, sorry to interrupt and all that, but you’re gonna have to crack on, this thing’s in mi fucking shoes.. even I’m gagging”.


    Comment on Facebook

    We’ve only been parents since Sunday, so don’t really know what we are doing yet to be fair. We asked Annie for permission to change her nappy and even she knew that was ridiculous. Look at the judgement in her face

    It's not asking for permission...it's informing children of what will happen next and based on reciprocal respect. Imagine being stood watching a bird out if the window and someone coming up behind you unannounced, looking down your underpants, the hoisting you up by the armpits and carrying you off....we would never do that to an adult so why should we do it to children? So we are not asking permission to change their nappy as of course many will say no ...and it has to be changed...the goal is to involved the child in the process and show the same respect to them we would expect from adults. So we say I'm going to change your nappy now...wait for some kind of response and yes it may be negative from a toddler But a baby has not got the cognitive development to decline. And quite quickly they are actively supporting and engaged in the nappy change process. And voila...we have two people in respectful partnership...not an adult in a power play over a child.

    You laugh, but my little troglet has recently demanded that I say “please” before he will allow me to change his nappy. Me: “Troglet, open your legs so mummy can clean your bum...” Troglet: “please?!” Me: “Troglet, PLEASE open your legs so mummy can clean your bum...” Troglet: “please?!” Me: “But I said “please”” Troglet: “ummmmmm... ok” 2 year old sassy pants

    What about those babies drunk on milk? Surely consent should only be given with a clear baby mind. How, oh wise experts, do I deal with milk drunkenness? 🤔

    We ask our 2 year old and when he was teeny we used to talk through it ("I'm just going to change your nappy because..."). I don't see anything wrong with it lol it's pretty normal in our house

    If I have to ask permission to change a nappy it's only fair that my baby asks my permission before unleashing a stream of piss in my face. Just saying...

    I think asking a child if they want to kiss/cuddle friends/relatives is important as it should be their choice rather than "you will kiss nanny goodbye" etc. That teaches choice and consent, as child gets older can explain about 'out of bound' areas etc. Asking a baby if they want to sit in a dirty nappy or not when they can't talk or understand the consequences is just ridiculous.

    What's next 'mother handing over vaginal passport so the baby can exit' 😂😂😂 These so called "experts" have never been covered in baby's shit 🙄😂😂

    Oh come on is this really a topic of discussion?! 🤦🏼‍♀️ A nappy wearing child requires it to be changed for health reasons, hygiene reasons & for plain human dignity! There will be plenty of opportunities to teach a child about the meaning of consent once they are old enough to understand. Changing a nappy is not the same thing!

    We were told when doing baby massage to ask the baby if it's OK to touch their stomach etc. I can understand where they're coming from, that it teaches the child from an early age that they have the right to say no to someone touching them, but seriously... my 3 month old wasn't going to turn around and say "Well, actually, I'd rather you didn't. Thanks".

    I've always done it without thinking. "shall we change those stinky nappy pants" o don't wait for a response until they're older. But, they know it's coming then. I guess. Dunno, never thought about it. Most parents say something don't they? Not sure sneaking up behind them and snatching them away to the changing table is a thing

    Surely consent can only be given by someone who has capacity. Babies and toddlers do not meet this and so a best interests decision needs to be taken by the parents to change their nappy. So in conclusion, this is a load of bull*!

    I disagree. You’re teaching them that if they say no they will be cajoled and manipulated into letting it happen anyway. This is a lesson for a little later.

    Nicola Morag - do u remember this ? “Ask ur baby can u massage them”..... I’m like looking round the room thinking shit are they meant to talk yet , mine doesn’t 😂😂😂

    Clearly they're an expert in peddling bullshit. Why do news outlets give these bellends a forum to spread utter bollocks like this?

    And if the child says no?! Do the parents get reprimanded for leaving little Tommy in a shitty nappy for 2 weeks?! 😂

    Twenty years from now we'll probably have a bunch of self indulgent brats demanding counselling because of the deep rooted trauma they think they are suffering because 'Mummy didn't always ask permission to change their nappies'

    In the interest of hygiene, safety and welfare we don't need to involve our child in any decision making or ask permission. This is what is wrong with society. Children have no respect because they know best. Unfortunately sometimes they don't. They are not equipped or mature enough to make decisions in their best interest which is our job as a parent to guide them. Should I ask my child permission to ground them in case it leads them to think they can be in a controlling relationship where they're not allowed out? Another example of an adult over thinking something and trying to fix things that are not broken. Heard it all now

    My 2 year old hears the words " I need to change your bum ! " and bloody legs it, it's a bloody marathon session just to keep him clean 😄

    Given that my child is not quite two and her favourite word for the last 6 months is no (and not just simply stating no - screaming no at the top of her lungs) id have been done for neglect by now.

    For f*** sake what next,signing a permission slip?how is a baby going to answer back?blink once for yes twice for no?😁😂

    As soon as a child is capable of saying yes or no and understanding the difference, they’re capable of understanding consent. Yes this needs balancing with ensuring they’re safe and well, but there’s nothing wrong with considering how you deal with situations. We often say to children “give grandma a kiss” “oh go on!” and many people expect a child to comply. Even when they don’t want to.

    Nah....crap!!! Pardon the pun! 😂 When my daughter stood in the corner to perform what can only be described as an explosive eruption into her nappy, there's NO WAY that I was going to piss about (pun pardoning yet again - sorry!) asking if it was ok to change her! (The convo went something like Me : what are you doing? Daughter : Nooooo.......thing.....*red in face and CLEARLY doing anything but the aforementioned "Nothing"*) 🙈😅 No way José! This was an exercise in which James Bond himself would be saying to Q "Nah, yer ok m8, I'll pass" Oooaft!!! That being said....She's 25 now....so maybe I'm painting it more romantically than I really remember....LOL!! 😱😂 seriously though - "expert" bollocks! Be off with you! This is a conversation to have with a child who can understand what you are saying and reciprocate appropriately.

    So considering we never got asked for permission off our parents when they changed our asses did that mean we all grew up not knowing what consent was?? What a load of cr*p!!!

    I think it's more about getting in the habit about talking to your baby about all sorts of things so they are hearing lots of different words, and also getting into the habit of teaching them that their body is theirs. My baby is five months old and I spin yarns all day. When she has a dirty butt I say "should we go change your bum now?" or similar, it seems weird but babies are smart and will start to associate certain sounds with what is going to happen next. Or something?

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    Stuck in Lidl again this morning with the usual dilemma. Trying to decide between a chainsaw, booze from the 80’s, or a new shitter. ... See MoreSee Less

    Stuck in Lidl again this morning with the usual dilemma. Trying to decide between a chainsaw, booze from the 80’s, or a new shitter.Image attachmentImage attachment


    Comment on Facebook

    I sent my husband for milk and he came back with new mats for the car and a giant axe. No milk...he got too excited by the axe and forgot

    We had the welcoming choice of a swish looking telescope or a welding mask with optional decorative flames 😂

    That’s your day sorted then: get drunk; chop down a tree; go for a shit.

    I bought 2 of the "sliced fruit" seat cushions this morning! 😂😂

    I love those aisles. One of the perks of being a stay at home Dad! I can procrastinate all I want about what I ‘might’ need and what I won’t actually buy without the wife telling me to get a move on. In fact, Thursday is normally new sale day!!

    Don't need the booze, it's still lurking at the back of the cupboard. A new loo? It looks like it's wall hanging - I have a fear of them falling off when I sit down. Nah. Chainsaw it is. Now I need trees. Darn Lidl, where are the bloody trees when you want them !

    Literally this afternoon: went in for bread and onion bhaji. Came out with an olive tree. A FKING OLIVE TREE.

    I nip in Aldi for a bottle of milk & come out with a 3 man tent, cheap shoes & a garden gnome. Think it’s law actually 🙄

    How is this even a question??? Booze. The answer is booze. Always.

    My favourite of theirs was a display of diving equipment and unicycles...

    The chainsaw is electric and, therefore, shit. Stick it in the toilet and drink the booze instead. You’ll thank me for this later.😉 But not in the morning when you desperately need a poo and there’s a feckin chainsaw in your bog.😮😂

    Is this a billboard for the new horror film ‘The Twyfords Chainsaw Margarita?’😀

    Bron Curtis i still need to try out Lidl, you had convinced me, but if this is further proof of the randomness that can be found i'm there 😂

    once saw a bloke at Aldi buy a hedge trimmer and a massive watermelon...at 8:30am on a Saturday 🤔

    I went in there for nappies. Came out with a 3ft inflatable pool. Took 2 days to fill it and was like swimming in the artic...

    I came home with a vacuum sealer, some solar lights and 2 avocados. I went in to buy 2 small steps so the toddler can reach the sinks...

    If you're going chainsaw go petrol. That way it will take your leg clean off with less mangling and less pain. Providing you can tie a tourniquet you are sorted 😎

    Buy all 3. The booze will put you in 1 of 2 scenarios. 1) The booze will course through your bowels and you'll spend the next week on the shitter making up random words in alphabetical order.... backwards. 2) The booze will course through you and make you think you are Edward Scissorhands, so you'll decide to go on a hedge rampage cutting people's hedges into highly inappropriate things. Good luck!

    My OH says if you buy the booze you probably ought to invest in the new shitter as well... #justsayin #the80swantsitsboozeback

    Jake Rowarth you men are all the same 🙄😂 pop to Aldi for milk...half an hour and £50 later come home with steak, Camembert, champagne and electric scissors 😂😂😂🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

    Did not get this kind of choice in Tesco this morning 😂

    Not gonna lie, from a little distance I thought that chainsaw was a veggie slicer of some sort 😂 but hands down, get you some of that booze and once you've filled up, then get that chainsaw. Let the rest be history

    I wouldn't bother with the new shitter, it only comes with the seat so you'll end up with a nasty mess to clear up if you try to use it as it is 😂

    Sam Chamberlain you'd definitely treat yourself to a new shitter, And Kelly Suffolk the 80's booze of course 😂😂

    That's a bog?! It looks like it should have a plant growing in it..... eat enough tomatoes then don't flush I guess it'll have a plant growing in it after a while .... 🤔

    + View more comments

    Load more
  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.


  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.


    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.


  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.


    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…


    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.


  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.


  • Tough week…

    Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own..

    Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit.

    Anyway, to alleviate Lyns’ concerns about leaving Charlie in the care of a f*ckwit, I promised to keep in touch…



  • Book Tour Dates 2017

    Thursday April 20th – SOLD OUT! The Man vs Baby Rave/Book Launch, Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield

    Thursday April 27th – Sheffield Waterstones (Orchard Square) 7.00pm – 8.30pm – £3.00 incl glass of wine

    Wed 17 May, Chorleywood Bookstore, Chorleywood, – £8 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)

    Thurs 18 May, Reading Waterstones, Reading – £5 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)

    Wednesday 14 June, Urmston Library, Manchester 7.30pm This is a free Wordfest event. Book online at Eventbrite, phone 0161 912 3189 or email libraries@trafford.gov.uk

    Saturday 16th September – Chiswick Book Festival, details to follow..