• This began as a Facebook post… (pinned post)

    Matt Coyne Banner

     (If you’ve already read it ..you can just skip to the end).

    “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One pit crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s probably less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your arms.

    so, this is what else I’ve learnt so far..

    The Birth.

    – I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is.. The labour suite is like being in ‘Nam.. It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film.. unless that film is Saw IV, combined with the chest bursting scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience.. you’re a bunch of f*cking liars. ..Labour is like magic.. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done.

    (In truth, the hardest thing about labour is seeing someone you love in such excruciating pain. But then Lyns did once make me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz..)

    The first week.

    – I never knew this.. but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they’ve died.. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time.

    – A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. …At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.

    – Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically timed. The worst thing is when they do a ‘lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive.

    – Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child.. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling.. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. they’re mental.

    (I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip.. )

    – Babies at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f*ckload of tea and says he looks like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever.. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp.

    ( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway.. if you’ve got an ugly baby.. its Phil)

    The first month.

    – Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I thought I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps. (and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on ‘nipple confusion’..)

    – It is possible to have so little sleep that your balls hurt.

    – Does anyone remember the show ‘Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton (before he had his face retro-fitted).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck.. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to eat every 3 hours. ..and you won a truck.

    – Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing ‘The Circle of Life’ is funny.

    – Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is.. I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank.

    – Trying to walk round a supermarket takes ages because old women reeeally like babies and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed tenacity of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f*cking raptors.

    After 3 months…Now..

    – The most important thing ive learnt so far is that Charlie is supremely lucky to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love ..and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her DNA will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits.

    He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both.. (Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph.. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am.. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no harm. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.

    _______________________________________

    I wrote this in a sleep deprived state one Tuesday evening, when our little boy Charlie decided to close his eyes for a couple of hours, for what seemed like the first time since he’d opened them three months before.  My balls were aching, I did have sunken eyes reddened by baby piss.  I sat, I typed, I felt a bit better.  As he stirred, I hit the ‘post’ button and sent what I’d written to get trampled underfoot in the social-media parade of shocked-looking cats, dick-pics and photographs of what Auntie Pat had for her tea.

    The following day I logged back on to find that the post had been shared a hundred times.  Later that day it was a thousand, and by the end of the week it was tens of thousands.  It was shared by bloggers, vloggers and even movie stars like Ashton Kutcher.  I started to get requests for interviews from newspapers, TV and radio.  Each of them asked the same question: Why did this incoherent and rambling bollocks strike a chord with parents, parents-to-be and the long haired one from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.

    I didn’t know.

    So I sat and I thought.  Then, I started to read through the online comments.  The answer was there and it was clear. There was a reason why this particular message echoed, ..why so many could find their own experience in between the aching balls and nipple confusion, and the reason was as conclusive as it was striking.

    …Most new parents haven’t got the faintest f*cking clue what they’re doing.

    Sure, there are the super-parents, the bland routiners, the perfect arseholes raising their cookie-cutter children using colour-coded charts and whatever the f*ck the ‘pick up – put down’ method is.

    But, that’s not us.

    We are the screw-ups; the play-it-by-ear, winging-it normals; the inept, the scared, the disorganised, the immature and clueless.  We have vomit on our shoulder and yellow shit under our fingernails and.. Jesus Christ, are we tired!?.. but we are Legion.

    And, our kids will be the kids that other kids want to play with. They will become the adults that other adults want to have a beer with. They will be the smart ones, the creative ones, the ones that will change the world or just make it better in tiny slivers.  Because, as useless and pathetically shit as we are, our children will be the best of us.

    Because we give a f*ck that they can be.

    …This blog’s for us lot.

  • Facebook Posts

    12 hours ago

    Man vs Baby

    Just submitted the manuscript for book 2: ‘Man vs Toddler’! Out in April. Really hope you enjoy it as much as ‘Dummy’. I’m ridiculously grateful for all your support for that book.. and I’m equally proud of this one.

    So, if you’re desperate for a last minute Christmas present for that special someone, it is available for preorder.. and Remember, ..nothing says ‘I love you’ like a print-out of an email, that legally states that you’ve preordered a book for someone that will arrive in 3-4 months time. 🎄👌🏻.

    Or a foot spa.
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    Just submitted the manuscript for book 2: ‘Man vs Toddler’!  Out in April.  Really hope you enjoy it as much as ‘Dummy’.  I’m ridiculously grateful for all your support for that book.. and I’m equally proud of this one.

So, if you’re desperate for a last minute Christmas present for that special someone, it is available for preorder.. and Remember, ..nothing says ‘I love you’ like a print-out of an email, that legally states that you’ve preordered a book for someone that will arrive in 3-4 months time. 🎄👌🏻.  

Or a foot spa.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Book 2 will surely be even funnier than the first as there will be less ‘mushy’ bits because toddlers are arseholes!😂

    Sonia another book for Rob to read in preparation for the toddler years 🤣 xx

    Book 3 should be called revenge of the threenager.

    I can't wait until we ger to man vs teenager, then man vs man!! Matt Coyne

    Loved the 1st book it was hilarious. Read almost all of it while I was sat in the Vauxhall dealer waiting for my car to be serviced, couldn’t put it down it was so funny. I think they may have though I had slightly lost it though cos it made me full on burst out in fits of laughter, the sort you can’t repress. Looking forward to book 2 🤪🤪🤪

    Kayleigh Winters I need to get this book... Matthew Bradshaw if you enjoyed his first book this one will be good for you x

    I've had this on pre-order since early October 😁

    Had your first book last Xmas. Still 3 chapters to go. Might be finished for the release of the next one lol. I had Ant crollas book at the same time but you said read my book first or I'll knock Crolla out. As Crolla is one of my fave fighters I couldn't risk it lol.

    I extracted a red gummy bear from my nearly 3 year olds nose today (after initially thinking it was a nose bleed) and narrowly intercepted his nearly two year old sister doing the same. Looking forward to reading what Charlie has been up too recently to make me feel better!

    I'll wait til June and get it for 40p in my local charity shop ta

    Can we have a preview? Xx

    Still in your shed waiting for a coffee. And now a book. X

    But will it be out on 20/04 like the first one? I mean, it would be awesome to own two books from one writer that were released on my birthday. 😏👌🏻

    Can’t wait! First one was brilliant

    Can’t wait for this! Just finished Dummy; I haven’t ever laughed so much whilst reading a book 👍🏼

    Can't wait for the second instalment

    Oooo Dolly-Roux will be soooo excited!!!! Remember Matt Coyne!!!???😂😊

    Brilliant. Loved the first book Matt, looking forward to reading the second!

    Excellent, you can give me the low down on how to survive this (what I'm told) hellish stage

    Yay can’t wait for this 😍 #mumoftoddler

    Ooh, I was literally wondering this morning as the toddler threw up on me (again) if you had a toddler book 🙂

    Looking forward to Man vs Teenager..... 😬😂

    This will be perfect just in time for my maternity leave as I'm due our 2nd boy in April 2019 Simon Taylor mothers day present? 😍

    Can't wait!

    + View more comments

    3 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    I’ve had to have a sit down ...I've just been informed that in the song 'I saw mummy kissing santa claus' the mum is actually kissing her husband.. the little one's dad.. DRESSED as santa claus.

    Tell me this is news to somebody else!?

    I can't be the only idiot who has always thought that this was a song about a child accidentally observing his horny mum, jeopardising the festive period for the whole family, by getting off with Father Christmas whilst the husband and kids are in bed. (..As a kid, it used to double/bother me because I used to think 'well, she must be delaying his rounds').

    Please..I cannot be the only person who thought this!!?
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    I’ve had to have a sit down ...Ive just been informed that in the song I saw mummy kissing santa claus the mum is actually kissing her husband.. the little ones dad.. DRESSED as santa claus.

Tell me this is news to somebody else!?

I cant be the only idiot who has always thought that this was a song about a child accidentally observing his horny mum, jeopardising the festive period for the whole family, by getting off with Father Christmas whilst the husband and kids are in bed. (..As a kid, it used to double/bother me because I used to think well, she must be delaying his rounds).

Please..I cannot be the only person who thought this!!?

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Actually, I’ve got a bit of previous with this sort of misunderstanding.. I used to think that Chris Rea was desperate to get home because he was on the promise of a ‘three-way’. (Listen to ‘Driving Home For Christmas’ again and you’ll see what I mean).

    I was going to say something smart arsed like “well OBVIOUSLY it’s the dad” but I’ve now been crushed by the revelations about the piggy going to market... #gamechanger #childhoodruined

    Have a similar one.... in "this little piggy goes to the market " I always thought the pig was going shopping 😱😱😱😱

    You know all the controversy lately about ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ being about date rape? - I literally thought to myself - “that’s nothing compared to the mum having an affair with Santa” - then the penny dropped why no one had an issue with it. You are not alone

    Just read this to my kids laughing that you thought this. I then clock my daughters face & I realise it’s not just you. My daughter the 26 year old teacher with degrees in history & teaching is now needing a sit down 😂

    Being from NZ originally, I didn't know what a common was. I thought it was the Wombles of Wimbledon, common are we... and there were loads of them all over the place! Imagine my surprise when I found out they were from Wimbledon Common!

    ‘Away in a danger’ as sung by Sophie. My fave line is the starfish are biting down where he lay!!! X

    I thought this was a joke status.... because it never even crossed my mind that it was the actual REAL Santa Claus 🎅 I just thought it was obviously daddy 😂

    Hey, if that's what it takes to get the expensive items on my Christmas list, I'll do Santa and all his elves.

    It always ALWAYS bothered me as a kid! I’ve actually just had my mind blown! As a child I always used to wonder what I’d do if I found my mum kissing Santa, would I tell my dad? Carry it round like a secret for the rest of my life so as not to break up our family? Honestly it never even occurred to me she was tashing with her husband!

    Oh dear Matt 😂😂😂. I suppose you have to be of a certain age to realise that, yes, Mummy is kissing Daddy dressed as Santa, and the kid doesn't catch on... You sweet young thing you... 🎅

    You do also realise it’s ‘open says me’ not ‘open sesame ‘ all the wasted years...

    THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

    I figured this out when listening to it yesterday.... Relieved that the child’s mum isn’t a cheating ho (ho ho) 😂

    I have a problem with the line, "What a laugh it would have been/ If daddy had only seen/ Mummy kissing Santa Claus last night". Something tells me the little shit doesn't actually think it would be a laugh....

    Sorry Man vs Baby but you're on your own 😂😂😂

    Santa empties his sack twice in 1 delivery

    I agree.....am 42 and Lorna had to explain this to me the other day, i just thought santa was a homewrecker.

    I thought it was common knowledge that it was her hubby not really santa 😂😂

    Never been said it was the husband, believe what you want. Seriously who wouldn't try and please the big guy.

    Seriously only cottoned onto this about 5 years ago(I’m now 37) I honestly thought the same as you,and just felt awful for the absent husband whose wife was slagging it up with the big man.x

    I always thought it was a really inappropriate song!!! 🤦‍♀️ x

    I always knew that it was the childs dad/ladies husband dressed up as Santa 😁😁😁

    🤯

    Not a clue 🙈😂 thank you for the wisdom!!

    + View more comments

    5 days ago

    Man vs Baby

    🎄👍🏻 ... See MoreSee Less

    🎄👍🏻

     

    Comment on Facebook

    😂 another mildly abusive favourite -

    Im pissing myself laugjing cos i actually checked s and November before i realised they are all the same lol

    Sharon thought you might like this

    No one gives a shit. That's not Christmassy at all. Hang on a minute

    Oh I got no one gives a shit!!!

    One for you Jack 😅

    So... is it bad that you look at both an initial and month of birth? Asking for a friend..

    This chart totally nails my elf name. How does the internet do it?

    Mark Winsor I saw this and immediately thought of you and then saw that you had already commented 😂😂😂 #merryfuckingchristmas

    Sarah I don’t know why I thought of you when I saw this 😂

    Lucy for when you and Danny do this next year?! 😂

    Mal, am Elf name generator for you 💕

    As I want to be known as an elf from now on, I find this offensive. 🙄

    Did anyone else notice the missing 'e' for February?

    👌🏽

    No one gives a shit 😂🤣😂

    No one gives a shit 🤪

    Jason, I thought you'd appreciate this 😂😂

    Karen 😂 I was actually looking 🙈

    What a coincidence, both my partner and my names ‘are no one gives a shit!!!!’?!?!?! Amazing! 😂

    I got No one gives a shit. What about you???

    That's you, that is.

    Crying 🤣😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    Watching back to back episodes of Paw Patrol at the minute and I cannot stand any more. Chase is just such a bloody suck-up. “Ready for action Ryder, Sir!” Ugh, ...just once, I wish Rubble would turn around and say “oh, fuck off Chase why don’t you just climb up his backside, you arse-licking twat”.
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    #suckupchase
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    Watching back to back episodes of Paw Patrol at the minute and I cannot stand any more.  Chase is just such a bloody suck-up. “Ready for action Ryder, Sir!” Ugh, ...just once, I wish Rubble would turn around and say “oh, fuck off Chase why don’t you just climb up his backside, you arse-licking twat”.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
#suckupchase

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Everyone whose talking about Rocky and Zuma being left out are right.. but I understand it with Rocky.. most pointless pup ever. Police! Fire! Coastguard! Air Force! ..er.. Recycling? Sit this one out Rocky we don’t need anyone to sort the plastic from the fucking cardboard on this mission.

    And while I’m on can we just take a moment to talk about Mayor Goodway.. Christ!? Imagine the chicken shit in that woman’s handbag.🤢

    The characters are one thing, but don’t get me started on the major plot/ engineering holes in the show. - where the hell does all of Marshall’s water come from?! - when the pups talk to Ryder on the pup pad - why do we get to see the pups as if they all have camera crews with them?! - why are aliens plausible but dragons/ magic are always Rubble dreams 😏. Yes, I have a nearly 2yr old and a 3yr old and really need to get more adult company in my life 😩😂😂

    Man vs Baby tbf I’m up for a bit of Paw Patrol, they’re positive go getters in comparison to that absolute fucknugget Bing. What a wingey negative pathetic wet blanket that thing is. He cries or is scared In every episode.

    While we’re talking kids shows..... why isn’t Norman Price punished for all the serious events he causes in Fireman Sam??? 😡😡

    I’m waiting for that accident prone Dalmatian dick head to break its neck.

    The worst thing is that they only have 4 digits on each hand, mayor Goodway counts down from 5 using 2 fucking hands! How hard would it have been to just draw the characters with the right number of fingers?!

    Chase and Skye are at it right? They occasionally have a dirty joke / look between them or am I they only one that’s noticed this? 😂

    I'd rather watch back to back paw patrol than in the night garden. What a bunch of plinky plonks that lot are. There's macca pacca with his OCD need to wash everything. The ninky nonk pilot has obv been drinking every episode so crashes into everything. Iggle piggle has tantrums and gets into bed with upsy daisy who dances and shows her knickers off and that's just for starters. 🤣🤣🤣

    And does anyone else smirk to themselves every time Zuma says "let's get wet"?! 🤣

    No sack too big, no pup too small, fuck those pups, let’s drown them all...

    Rubble is a legend. I'd take paw patrol over that little shit Peppa any day! 🤣

    I want to know where Ryder gets his funding, and why a child is allowed to ride a quad, and other vehicles on the public highway

    We changed our tv package provider. It’s really really sad that paw patrol is no longer available on our new tv. Really awful.

    My 22month old is currently obsessed with Bing - how whiny is that bunny?!!! And as for gentle parenting- Flop needs to grow a pair and set some boundaries!!

    It's flipping sterotypical girlie Skye in her girlie flipping pink with her squeaky girlie voice and her dainty flipping flying that annoys me. Sorry just had to vent, my 8yr old would be too upset if I spoke about Paw Patrol like this at home 😂

    I once went started to Google paw patrol fancy dress for my LO. As I started typing, I became disturbed my what I saw...

    Topsy and Tim is worse. Why doesn’t their mum ever loose her shit and is so happy all the time. Twins are seriously hard work.

    We recently flew to and from NZ. My boys watched the same 3 episodes of Paw Patrol for the entire flights 🙈

    I get more annoyed with the towns over reliance on Ryder for everything. If I was him, I’d give up and move somewhere where most habitants can sort their own lives out, it’s constant!

    Wait until he gets to his Blaze and the monster machines phase. How the fuck is a young boy driving a talking car?

    I'm still questioning the validity of the business model. An all situation rescue sevice run by a pre teen and canines that could at any moment during rescue decide to lick their balls or hump the nearest object, or worse the person they are rescuing. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen

    What is the fucking point of Zuma? She's been used like twice. Is she the one who gets the brew on while the rest of the actual paw patrol do the work? And what's the deal with captain turbot? I'm sure he only lives on a boat to avoid getting nicked on some extremely shady warrants

    I really hate Everest. My son always makes me be her and my husband finds it hilarious how annoyed I get.

    + View more comments

    1 week ago

    Man vs Baby

    ...The beautiful magic of Christmas with kids.🎄😢
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    (Via: Katelyn_Meechan)
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    Comment on Facebook

    One of the weirdest and funniest things about this video is the fact that there is no sign of it.. no strain, no noise.. no nothing. it’s like the shit just falls out of him without touching the sides 😂

    Ok, I’ve watched this again, if you listen really closely at the end there is a quiet ‘unbelievable’ from the mum that is absolutely perfect. 😂😂😂

    Guysssss 😂😂😂😂 Sophie Nevins Hayley Clifford Stephanie Griffiths

    Jayne Croasdale now this one is genuine. Watched it yday, I'm still laughing today 🤣

    Molly Murnin Taylor Murnin🤣🤣

    Alec Vincent Katie Nicolle Owen Grobler Michelle Schwim Derrick Starling Nicole Dando Alexander Dando 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️😅

    Morag Logan Eilidh Scott 😂😂😂😂😂

    Today my 2 year old girl kept waving her hand in my face and muttering. In the end I realised she was telling me to sniff her fingers. I doubt I need to tell you where her finger had been! 😱😷

    Sabrina Alder Rachael Abi Washbourne Jim Cottom Gareth Roberts 😲

    Dan Wilkins I know you don’t usually laugh at these things I tag you in but this one is right up your street! 😂😂 x

    Stuart Edward Fay Crane Briony Davies..... see could have been worse 😂😂😂😂😂

    It’s a magic that lasts all year round #apooisnotjustforchristmas #exceptmrhanky

    Stella Clark Kelly-Ann Watt Kim Topping I cana breathe for laughing 😂😂😂😂

    Brendan, the excitement of receiving a letter from Santa 😊

    Richard Kev Ian Claire Amanda Julia Lisa 😂 😂 😂

    Rory Stewart MacCrimmon 😂😂😂

    Bill 😁

    Paul Turnbull did I already tag you in this? I’m pissing myself again 😂😂

    Alan Paterson is this one of your family?

    Cammie Macdougall I'm only tagging you because of the accent and it's funny! Lol x

    Lottie Salmon

    😂🤣😂🤣

    Is it really Christmas unless someone craps themselves

    Janet Collins Mike Strydom - the Scottish accent makes it funnier

    Lucy Allan hahahaha

    + View more comments

    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    THIS is an amazing story. Even if it is accompanied by the usual bonfire-pissing comments about how it’s ‘messing with nature’ and ‘playing god’. Fertility science, from IVF to cutting edge stuff like this, is dogged by these attitudes, especially online. You need no licence to use the internet and that means that even those amongst us with brains that function like a potato, are allowed to drag their knuckles along a keyboard in expression of a dim opinion.

    I don’t know how many of these people would refuse a kidney transplant? Or blood transfusion? Where do they draw their line..? you interfere with nature every time you take a paracetamol or an antibiotic. But hey, when did these folk ever let reality get in the way of their well thought out and reasoned bullshit. Dopey twonks.

    I see it differently. If you’ve been in the position that we found ourselves with Charlie - believing that he would never come - it felt like a door that was always slowly closing. And the pain of that was profound because it never didn’t feel like he was standing on the other side. What fertility scientists do is something remarkable. They put a foot against that closing door and say no.. hang on a minute. We might be able to do something about this. And in our case, They did. They fulfilled their promise by gift of Charlie. Don’t get me wrong In that moment that we first saw him on a monitor, for us, these people WERE god. The best kind of god, answering prayers kindly.

    But in hindsight and in reality, they weren’t 'playing god' at all. Or 'messing with nature'. They were just fulfilling the promise of both. They were using the incredible tools (their magnificent brains & dedication) they’d been given by god or nature or evolution to create something incomparably good.

    And Thats what I see here. In this story. Something good. Out of tragedy, science delivers by forceps.. a miracle.
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    So welcome to earth little trailblazer, your mum went through some stuff for you to get here and I have no doubt she will love you all the more for it.

    And to those playing god. Keep playing, when the result is this kind of unconditional love ..there’s not a God worth their salt that could mind. x
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    THIS is an amazing story.  Even if it is accompanied by the usual bonfire-pissing comments about how it’s ‘messing with nature’ and ‘playing god’.  Fertility science, from IVF to cutting edge stuff like this, is dogged by these attitudes, especially online. You need no licence to use the internet and that means that even those amongst us with brains that function like a potato, are allowed to drag their knuckles along a keyboard in expression of a dim opinion.

I don’t know how many of these people would refuse a kidney transplant? Or blood transfusion? Where do they draw their line..? you interfere with nature every time you take a paracetamol or an antibiotic.  But hey, when did these folk ever let reality get in the way of their well thought out and reasoned bullshit. Dopey twonks.

I see it differently. If you’ve been in the position that we found ourselves with Charlie -  believing that he would never come - it felt like a door that was always slowly closing. And the pain of that was profound because it never didn’t feel like he was standing on the other side.  What fertility scientists do is something remarkable. They put a foot against that closing door and say no.. hang on a minute. We might be able to do something about this.  And in our case, They did. They fulfilled their promise by gift of Charlie.  Don’t get me wrong In that moment that we first saw him on a monitor, for us, these people WERE god. The best kind of god, answering prayers kindly. 

But in hindsight and in reality, they weren’t playing god at all. Or messing with nature. They were just fulfilling the promise of both. They were using the incredible tools (their magnificent brains & dedication) they’d been given by god or nature or evolution to create something incomparably good. 

And Thats what I see here. In this story. Something good. Out of tragedy, science delivers by forceps.. a miracle.
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So welcome to earth little trailblazer, your mum went through some stuff for you to get here and I have no doubt she will love you all the more for it. 

And to those playing god.  Keep playing, when the result is this kind of unconditional love ..there’s not a God worth their salt that could mind. x

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Faith and Science are not mutually exclusive, my belief is that God has given mankind the ability to solve these kind of challenges ourselves. See, not all Christians are wonky eyed idiots.

    I'm super glad the fertility specialist decided to 'play god' and 'mess with nature'. My cryo-frozen little mess is almost 3 and damn well worth it. 🙂 Let's give a WOOOT for science! <3

    Without the genius people playing god who created ivf there would be no him. I live in awe of scientists who grant families the gift of children 😍

    Let’s also remember the donor giving the gift of new life after her own has ended. What a hero😍

    Science is fucking awsome. I think the best/worst comment I saw on the IFLS post about this was from a lass complaining about how this wasnt a good thing when the world is already struggling with over population. One click on her profile showed that she was a "full time mother of 8" 🤦‍♀️Facebook really need to bring out some kind of irony alert button cos the face palm just isn't enough.

    After 6 miscarriages and 4 rounds of IVF, we had our miracle daughter. I'm celebrating with this family because science is bloody amazing.

    Our ivf miracle. To all those drs who decided to work in embryology and infertility, you're amazing!

    In some bibles, there is a book called Ecclesiasticus (not Ecclesiastes). I don’t remember if it’s in the catholic version and not the Protestant version or the other way round. But chapter 38 starts out with “Honor the physician for the need you have of him, for God has created him.” I did that verse up in calligraphy for the fertility doctor who helped get me pregnant.

    I'd give my womb away... Some days Id even give them the partners balls too just in case they come in useful 😂😂😂

    Man vs Baby We had ivf for our miricles We've been truly blessed This little blob came a long way Science truly is fucking awesome I love love love that a pastor I spoke to did a sermon on how ivf ect isn't against god and those judging others for it need to take a long hard look at their sins before judging others He also handed a person mouthing off about how these people should adopt an adoption leaflet and said great why don't you lead by example lol I wanted to high five him so very badly

    This is amazing. As mum to a 4 year old miracle made by IVF doctors and saved by neonatal doctors when he arrived 13 weeks early I celebrate all the ways medicine interferes with nature every day!

    I would happily donate my uterus...it has given me 2 children (wont say darling as they are driving me up the wall at the moment) but if it would bring joy to another person that by all means...take it.

    I am still stuck on "to drag their knuckles along a keyboard in expression of a dim opinion." Applies to many abuses of social media. And, you are just brilliant. Charlie is a lucky lad.

    I'd give mine in a heartbeat! I've got 2 beautiful children and don't plan to have anymore so if it could be used to help someone bring a much wanted life into the world then I'd do it without question! It will only go to waste otherwise...why not help a woman become a mother and also a man a father! Would be the best thing I could ever give to someone! ❤️

    If you think about it, glasses are messing with nature. You reckon everyone moaning has perfect vision?

    I think it's incredible. Sadly my womb is no good to anyone, it's not strong enough & it's split in 2 like a heart shape. I'd gladly give anyone it, but I was told I'd never carry a baby to term, so I understand those thoughts & fears of never being a mum. Thankfully, I'm stubborn & tried anyway & have been blessed with 4 miracles. These things fascinate me. Its incredible, the advances science is making.

    My niece had IVF and lost her twins to shared placenta. She nearly died. We grieved and comforted and then she started all over and now I have my beautiful great nephew. I am eternally grateful for the doctors that helped her be a mom twice, helped her grieve her angel babies, gave her a son before her own mother passed away so that there was time with Grandma. That my mother got her greatgrandson and held him. These doctors give hope. I am so glad that you have Charlie so that we all get to know him and you. Blessed be Daddy-o Blessed be.

    Oh my god I so want to high five you for this!! Our IVF boy just turned 4 and I already proudly tell him about he came into being. I’m so grateful for all of the science, drugs, research, blood, sweat and tears that went into making sure he arrived in our lives. I cried when I read about this new incredible possibility. The amount of families it can create. Just wonderful! x

    Everyone has their own opinion on God. Mine just follows Stephen Fry's. But I respect people who do believe as that's their choice....This is mine. youtu.be/-suvkwNYSQo

    Our daughters were both IVF babies, they wouldn't be here if it wasnt for the help and support we received from Care Fertility and the advancements in this field. We were also told we would never conceive naturally, until our little boy arrived in August. Science and nature are both equally amazing

    I don't see how this is any different from any other transplant except that they are either life prolonging or life enhancing whereas this is life giving.

    I think it's amazing. I donated my eggs and the lady who got them had a little boy. I'm on the organ donar so I would happily donate my uterus too. Xx

    I know exactly where you are coming from, Matt. I was told at age 18 that I would likely never have kids due to having severe Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. At that time, I said I didn’t want kids but when that diagnosis came through, it crushed me. I realised that the truth was I just didn’t want kids at that point. At age 32, with the help of the fertility specialists at our local hospital, my fiancé and I welcomed a gorgeous little boy into the world. He’s now almost 3 and he’s totally the best thing that ever happened to me. While it didn’t take to the extremes of IVF or anything like that, those doctors and nurses were my heroes too. This little one is changing the world in ways they have no way of understanding right now, and I think that’s a fantastic thing.

    This post just made me have a little cry! As a mummy to two ivf miracles and one more for good luck after complacency set in, i whole heartedly concur!! Well said x

    I’m not crying...I have something in my eye 😢

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

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    Comment on Facebook

    Just shared this on my instagram and someone mentioned their cat scoffing tinsel and then shitting it out in the garden.. apparently this cat hated everything.. including Christmas. But this comment kicked off others about what cats and dogs have eaten. Which reminded me of the time our dog ‘skip’ ate a pair of tights. I came home to discover my stepdad down on all fours trying to pull the tights out of the dog’s arsehole, like he was doing some grotesque magic trick.. or making sausages. I still have nightmares. (And if this charming anecdote doesn’t tempt you over to my instagram nothing will👍🏻😂)

    Haha Kristen Hollie Elicia this is so us and our midwife brains.

    My kids have their own version of a different joke: Mia: what do reindeers hang on their Christmas Tree? Masimba: Santa! (Hornaments, hornaments my dear).

    Mikey Trance feel like this was you when you were little... 😂 shit jokes from a young age

    Troy Ward poor Cash is gonna have to deal with all my realistic explanations

    Amy Curtin I feel this would be our answer now to our kids hahahaha too technical mum hahaha

    Luckily my kids always say "Mummy, mummy I've got a joke...listen to my joke! It's soooo funny.... er, hang on a minute... I've just got to remember it...."

    Tim Maguire you’ve been eating too much tinsel hey babe?

    Geraint Clarke and Lucy Palmer one for Mel. She loves this type of thing 😂

    LOL Steven Moorman WHY is this me and you when you try to make OT puns 😂😂😂

    That's a nurse mum's response. 🤣

    That has to rival the Madeira one. Brilliant! 🤣

    Anya why do I feel like this would be a convo in your house 😂

    Livi Mullard why did this make me think of you as a Mum 😂😫

    Emma Cook beause it's punny AND you probably have to do emergency surgery on a number of animals for this each year

    Amy Charman for some reason I imagine this between you and frankie

    Charlotte Dunnell I saw this on my news feed and was gonna send it to you before realising you're the reason its on my feed. Brill

    Pru should I try and big word laycee next time she tells a joke HAHA

    Stacy Marsh I can imagine you & Lex having this conversation 😂 xx

    I would so say this to my boys whilst sharpening my surgical kit 😂😷

    OMG that’s so my life!

    Your shite goes sparkly for a couple of days.

    Love this, it gave me a very good chuckle

    This was my poor 12 yr olds upbringing 😂

    7 yr old: what happens if you eat lots of tinsel? Mum: YOU DIE SO DON'T YOU EVER TRY AND IT THEM!!! UNDERSTOOD?!!! 🤣🤣🤣

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    I love this. Even if you don’t read the rest of my waffle please do watch this video...
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    I’ve written before about how important it is for me that Charlie enjoys reading. My mum read to me as a baby. I don't remember those first books but then I don't ever remember not being read to as a child. An enjoyment of books is the finest gift she ever gave me (apart from a pair of suede roller boots in about 1989.. they were pretty sweet). ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    Books can be educational and instructive, and like mine, a bit daft. But at their best they can be redemptive, crushing, life-defining, and perfect. Testament to the best of us, a record of the worst, a eulogy or monument to the very essence of what it means to be human.

    A couple of weeks ago when we went to Lapland .. this is why. It never ocurred to me the issues that might present themselves when trying to read a bedtime story to a child who is deaf. But there are 32 million deaf children who struggle to read. And for a couple of days we got to share an amazing experience with a group of families with deaf children as they were introduced to StorySign. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
    An app developed by @Huawei that translates children's books into sign language to change and revolutionise story time for thousands of kids, and open the world of books to so many who might feel like an outsider to them.
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    Yup. This is an Ad.. We were, after all, in Lapland as guests of Huawei . But they asked for nothing in return, not a post or a review or anything. They just let the whole thing speak/sign for itself and after we had the pleasure of hanging out with some of these kids in the snow for a couple of days, I'll tell you this.. ad or not, this is a good and beautiful thing.
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    Comment on Facebook

    That's set me off worse than hug from Nick Knowles! And I'm a marine engineer!

    I'm not crying 😢 your crying 😭... Amazing app! #whentechgetsitright

    I'm bawling here 😢 more is definitely needed to ensure that BSL is incorporated into teaching in the future - sooner rather than later. B great concept and a stroke of genius from a relatively 'unknown' manufacturer in a market dominated by Apple and Samsung. Myself and my wife are currently learning along with our 2 year old son (who has been doing it for about 18 months now) BSL from a family friend who is subsequently deaf. None of us are deaf but we all feel that it is an important language to learn and should be recognised as a language like French and German are in schools. We also feel that having done it from such a young age, it has aided out sons development with speech 👏🏻👏🏻 #whentechgetsitright

    Thank you Matt for sharing this. My 3 year old son is deaf and uses sign so this could really help with story time 👍🏼

    Well shit mate, I didn’t expect to be tearing up while sipping my first coffee this morning. Put a bloody warning on it next time. Got a hard woman image to maintain.

    A mascara warning would have helped 😭😍😁

    Suddenly feel rather ashamed of my stance that technology like phones and tablets have no place in a child’s life. Amazing ❤️

    Who's cutting onions?! What a beautiful concept

    Kind of related Man vs Baby, SwiftKey make a free android app that helps autistic children communicate - free to download and use it's called symbols.

    Our daughter isn't deaf but it's non verbal and we don't know how much she understands she has just started with babbling sounds so words may be coming. She gets a bedtime story every night (up to Harry potter 6 but get away with reading the dark buts because she doesn't understand). Her class are doing a Carol service on Monday and I considered not taking her because she can't sing but w are going regardless.

    This is so misleading, I was so excited by this for my daughter but when you download the app, turns out it only works with ONE book, that you need a hard copy of! Disappointed 😔 Will we amazing if they develop it properly though

    Cheers Matt - When technology gets it right...👍🏻 I play in a Brass Band and you forget that this time of year, there are still many children who can’t enjoy hearing the carols/Christmas Music being played as much as the rest because they just can’t hear them. Hopefully this app (and others) will do so much to help them get a love/enjoyment of reading. 📚📖

    Wow!! What an incredible use of amazing tech, and a simple thing that most of us take for granted (the bedtime story) made special for the tiny people that can’t enjoy as easily as others!!! Well that just won Christmas!!! Xx

    Anne Vikkelsø You might be interested in this. Huawei is the world's second largest smart phone manufacturer. If they put a sign language reader on every phone that means there are 50m phones sold a quarter with readers on them sold (globally). I don't know what version of sign language they are using.

    This is so lovely!!! I would also have appreciated a mascara warning!!

    Right in the feels.....this is amazing ♥️

    Love this. I’m glad to see the tech people are finally realising and getting on board. Many Deaf children leave school aged 16-18 with a reading age of a 6-7 year old. So fingers crossed this will be the start of great things xx

    Both my children have hearing loss. One is deaf (severe to profoundly) and the other moderate in one ear. Thank you for sharing. ❤️

    I work in technology and it’s at times like this that the amazing things technology *can* do just blows me away...

    That's a great idea to help bring storytime to so many children! Nadine Jerham thought this might interest you as i know you were doing the BSL course.

    Great for any child to learn.

    Emma Japes this is just gorgeous. One for your friends at the Elizabeth Foundation? X

    What a wonderful app, this is precisely what we should be using our vast technological knowledge for ♥️

    Can we have more AD’s for this please...thanks.

    Rachel Kelly, in case you don't know about this app (sorry if you've been tagged a thousand times!)

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    2 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    For those looking for an update on how the search in our loft for the Xmas decorations is going. Still no sign...I’m afraid🙁 ..but I have just stumbled across my father in law who came up here looking for a suitcase in 1998.👍🏻 ... See MoreSee Less

    For those looking for an update on how the search in our loft for the Xmas decorations is going.  Still no sign...I’m afraid🙁 ..but I have just stumbled across my father in law who came up here looking for a suitcase in 1998.👍🏻

     

    Comment on Facebook

    Kim Baksh Katie Jayne Liam Anthony Dan Smith

    It’s Chester Copperpot. It’s your time up there.

    It looks like he died smiling...maybe he was really looking for some quiet.

    I'm more concerned about my annoying husband calling it an 'attic' *shudder* 😉

    "Hide and go seek champion 1972"

    Miranda Golds PT - you are not alone in your loft woes 😂

    Fay Cattermoul😂

    This will be you next weekend Craig Clark

    Benjamin Thomas Mogg At least he hasn’t fallen out of the hatch 😂😂😂

    Nicola like dad looking for stuff in the shed 😂

    He is waiting for you to join him😂😂

    Lol made me chuckle matt cheers for that...

    Matthew Brownrigg

    Orran 🤣🤣🤣

    Lilian Fox

    Erik you in the garage!!

    Just like our loft...and we've yet to pluck up courage to find the decorations!

    Briliant🤣🤣

    Luke Jordan

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    3 weeks ago

    Man vs Baby

    ..tis that time again. ..Heading into the loft to retrieve the Xmas decorations. If you don't hear from me after a week or so, tell my family that I loved them.. and that daddy died doing what he loved most.. Fighting through 20 years of accumulated shit to find a f*king wicker reindeer with one eye. ... See MoreSee Less

    ..tis that time again. ..Heading into the  loft to retrieve the Xmas decorations. If you dont hear from me after a week or so, tell my family that I loved them.. and that daddy died doing what he loved most.. Fighting through 20 years of accumulated shit to find a f*king wicker reindeer with one eye.

     

    Comment on Facebook

    To all the dads who are today ascending into the lofts of Britain, remember you are not alone.. Stiffen the sinews! summon up the blood! And try to avoid shouting through the loft hatch every five minutes “there’s some right shit up here.” That goes down like a concrete balloon.

    For those looking for an update on how the search in our loft for the Xmas decorations is going. Still no sign...I’m afraid🙁 ..but I have just stumbled across my father in law who came up here looking for a suitcase in 1998.👍🏻

    I went up into the loft and found a gift from last year that I had hidden & completely forgotten all about. Shame. The kids would have adored that puppy.

    I've put my foot down. I've said not until 12 days before. She has agreed it'll be done when she says.

    Bollocks, laughed at the post, had to read it to my wife.......now I’m off to the bloody loft myself!

    I'll never forget the year my dad got stuck in the loft, he's terrified of heights and managed to get up there fine, passed the stuff down....then spent the next hour and a half sat there with his legs poking through the hole unable to put his feet on the ladder 😂 of course my mum and I were very helpful and supportive throughout the whole process, and didn't once laugh or take the piss 😂

    At least you got up there safely.....

    Intense training for the dreaded journey into the abyss

    This is my job in this house. Husband does not need to know whats accumulating ‘up the loft!’

    We have a file in the Photos section of our laptop named “The car seat is not in the loft”. My husband had been sent up to get it, he swore blind it wasn’t there and took photos to prove it - funnily enough when I eventually managed to get up there (in a very undignified manner - it’s a stepladder job!) I found it straight away 🙄😁

    My boys wanted to come into attic to get decs a few years ago - youngest last up and kicked over ladder !!! We all sat there for half hour when figured out the only way down was to lower him as far as I could and gently drop the 4 year old 🤣 it worked !!!

    Survived the lofty expedition to hell. Now I just need to find somewhere for the shite that occupied the space now taken up by said tree. Back up I go...

    Amateurs. 😉 CLEAR PLASTIC CRATES FOR EVERYTHING. All tat immediately visible. Hearty seasonal hails from this Mum-in-an-attic 🎅🎄🎁🌟🔔🦌

    Four years ago my husband went up to get the decorations. As his feet were leaving the ladder was an almighty crack and the ladder broke in half! Panicked phone call to the father in law who then had to hoof it round with a ladder on his shoulder and rescue him 😂 kids were alternately panicked and working out how to get food up in case Grandad got lost on the way. Great fun and grandad was a superhero in the kids eyes

    Ha ha I had to endure the shed today in the torrential rain to get out the tree and the ancient decorations fit for the bin. No amount of protesting to youngest child helped. No it had to be today as it is the first of December (ffs). Far to early in my opinion. I was covered in glitter by lunch time. 😬

    We can't find the hook for the reef

    We’ve just moved to a house with no loft after hoarding all manner of tat for over 20 years! A very full 12yard skip later we have a ‘door to Narnia-loft space’ off the en suite. No step ladder needed!! It’s the way forward .....

    I have just done this, and despite reminding myself several times that there were beams to avoid, I have managed to smash my head 5 bloody times! I hope this elf is fucking worth it (it won’t be!)

    Errr.... are you in my loft!!! It almost exactly the same? 😂😂😂😂😂

    Ian Harding - look a loft with standing room - what is that all about? Could fit more crap up there in that space!

    Ah lot of John Lewis bags and boxes back there. I’m going out on a limb here and guessing your Christmas menu includes; panettone, Prosecco and potatoes roasted in goose fat a la Nigella.

    Is feeling smug cos loft is beautifully organised, with things stored in labelled boxes. It took us 3 minutes to get our Xmas stuff: 2 tree boxes (labelled) and one box (labelled). My fella rolled his eyes at me, but realised I was right when he went into the loft and found it all immediately #smugbitch 🤣😉😎

    🤣🤣 James, been trying to find a way to break the news to you. This is what you're doing tomorrow. Promised the kids now. Soz. 😁

    I wish my loft was that tidy and accessible

    Fantastic thing about being married to a Croatian - no decs til Christmas Eve, as per their tradition 😁

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  • Never argue about nappy changing again…

    The way I see it, there are two main ways to work out nappy-changing duties.. There is the turn-based “I Did it Last Time” method.. or the more controversial “He/She’s On You” system.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to both… For a start The “I Did It Last Time” method requires both parties to remember who changed the baby last time, (and when you’re sleep deprived it can be a real cock to remember).

    It also lacks a little flexibility.. A meteor could crash through our ceiling severing both my arms and legs.. Lyns would still look down at my quivering torso and say “It’s still your turn, stumpy…”.

    The “He/She’s On You” method is more flexible, but what do you do if the baby shits whilst independently in their cot?, or on a stranger.?. or on a family member distant enough to tell you to “fuck off” at the suggestion that they roll their sleeves up?

    ..Anyway, taking all the information above, I came up with this combination method that works… I’m making it sound complicated, but I’ve condensed it into a simple diagram.

    flowchart1

  • Breastfeeding and the Weirdos.

    Breastfeeding

    [from the archive] I know this has probably all been said before but.. who are these fucking crackpots who have a problem with breastfeeding in public? Or these weirdos who say they “don’t mind it” as long as it’s done “discreetly”.

    Erm.. show of hands.. has anyone ever seen breastfeeding done indiscreetly? I for one have never seen a woman begin breastfeeding by ostentatiously unveiling her nipple-tasseled tits to the hard-house remix of ‘Here Comes The Boom’. Or attach her baby to a rotating target and, to drum rolls, squirt-fire the milk at the child from 6-feet away.

    In fact, come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a nipple when a woman has been breastfeeding because.. (and here’s the science bit).. that’s what the baby feeds from. So, the nipple is, by its very design, covered by the child’s mouth. (Maybe I’ve not been gawping hard enough like these freaks who are so appalled).

    What you actually see when a baby is breastfeeding is …. the back of its fucking head. And if you’re disgusted by the back of a baby’s head you should see what comes out of their arse.

    The strange thing is that it seems to be both men and women who have a problem with it.. but again,.. who are they? ..who are these women, who are so delicate, that the possibility of seeing a breast will make them keel over like one of those goats with a heart defect.. And who are these men, who are so sheltered, that seeing an uncloaked nipple might cause them to have an instantaneous stroke (and not the good kind).

    It’s odd .. These are people disgusted by a child having its dinner.. usually whilst they are eating their own.. really.. what is so terrifying about the possibility of glimpsing an areola whilst simultaneously eating soup? ..The ironic thing is that, if I’m describing you, you’re probably the biggest tit in the restaurant. And, you’ll no doubt be the same arsehole tutting when the baby cries because its hungry.

    ..So why am I banging on about this now..?

    ..We’ve just been for a pub meal and the couple across from us clearly had a problem with Lyns breastfeeding ..(they used the international language of twats: ie. ‘eye-rolling)’. This is my first experience of the open hostility to breastfeeding.. (I genuinely thought it was a myth).,

    so… I didn’t say anything, but to piss them of I did take my shirt off and ate the rest of my carvery topless. (..and after overindulging over Christmas I’ve developed quite a decent rack).
    Anyway .. I’m pleased to report a small victory:.. they did leave without dessert, and Mr Twat didn’t even finish his pint.

    ..That said, ..it did backfire a bit….. I burnt one of my man-tits with a bit of Yorkshire pudding gravy and the sight of my white, pasty body put Lyns right off of her cheese and broccoli bake.
    ..Still, as they p*s$ed off out the door, shaking their empty heads, ..it did feel like a moment of sisterhood.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • Night Garden – Shit Houses

    Today I got into an online debate about ‘In the Night Garden’ with a mum who’s a massive fan of it. (She’d seen an earlier post when I’d suggested that Iggle Piggle and Upsy-Daisy were nazis and ‘Jen’ wasnt at all happy).

    At one point she argued that “The Night Garden is sweet, is about fun and friendship and at the end of the day wouldn’t the Night Garden be just a lovely place to live?”.

    To which I replied: “Really? OK, ..but in whose house?”

    And it’s an important point.. If you had to live in the Night Garden whose house would you live in? Because they’re all well crap.

    The Tombliboo house looks nice from the outside but the interior looks like its been built out of twiglets and varnished dog shit.

    Makka Pakka’s cave is basically a f*cking tomb. And its also built in a dry river-bed on a flood plain.. which means if there’s a flash flood he’s f*cked it. (And in a flood the first thing that goes is the sewage drains, so any prolonged rainfall and he’s going to be either dead or knee-deep in Ha Hoo shit).

    On the face of it The Pontipines have the best house but you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s a semi-detached and the Wottingers next door have got 8 bloody kids.

    Obviously, The Wottingers have exactly the same problem.. living next door to the Pontipines and their 8 kids. But for them its even worse because they’ve got to live next door to Mr Pontipine… who I’ve always thought was a bit of a smug prick.. with his dopey moustache.. that he obviously thinks makes him look like Magnum but actually just looks like a hippy’s bush has been stuck to his stupid ball-shaped face.

    Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle dont even have a house. Upsy daisy’s got a bed on wheels that she drags around like some lost mental patient after a f*cking apocalypse.. and Iggle is apparently homeless. He’s just got an old crusty blanket. I don’t even know where he sleeps, but if the Night Garden has a branch of Greggs he’s probably curled up in the doorway every night freezing his bollocks off and drinking lighter fluid.

    So like I said to Jennifer, The Night Garden would not be a lovely place to live at all.. “and you saying it is is just papering over the cracks of the fact that it’s in the grip of a severe housing crisis”.

    …..

    Jennifer: “Matt, you have got waaaay too much time on your hands”.

    Yeah, that’s a fair point.

  • So, Charlie is two years old today.

    So Charlie is two years old today. And I can think of nothing better to post than this bit out of the book… part of a letter to Charlie explaining how he came to exist in the first place…

    ———————————-

    “…So, before you came along, we were happy and had a pretty good life. We didn’t really talk about having kids. Weirdly, it just didn’t come up that often and as we got older I think we both just kind of assumed that we wouldn’t have any.

    Then one morning in 2009, I got a phone call from my dad, your Grandad Gerald. He sounded kind of confused and he stumblingly explained that he wasn’t feeling too well. That morning, he’d been in church and when asked to do a reading he found himself halfway through and unable to concentrate. The words were spidering across the page and he couldn’t quite focus. Worried, we took him off to the hospital and, after a few days of tests, it turned out that he was more unwell than we thought and he had a type of cancer that had spread to his brain.

    (Note: If you’re not Charlie and you’re reading this, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this light-hearted book on parenting just took a serious left turn. Thanks a lot Matt, two pages ago I was having fun and now I feel like putting my head in the fucking oven. Well, don’t turn on the gas just yet. Because this is the story of how Charlie came to be).

    There are times for all of us when circumstance will plunge its fist into your chest, tear out your heart and show it to you, pink and beating. And for the year that my dad had left, as a family we were hollowed out. I miss your grandad a lot, and it feels like something is out of kilter with reality that you and him will never meet. You’d have got on.

    But, in the months he had left we talked a lot about us as father and son. He apologised a lot for the mistakes he’d made as a parent. There weren’t any, but he apologised anyway. I apologised for my mistakes as a son. There were plenty but he pretended there weren’t. And, he talked about how he had come to terms with what was to come because his kids were settled and happy.

    These were strange conversations. Maybe it’s because when you’re talking to someone who is dying everything they say seems somehow profound and worth listening to.

    What these conversations did, though, was make me see parenthood slightly differently. Your grandad was still a young man at the time of his diagnosis and so had been given a pretty shitty deal. But he accepted that deal more easily because his children were happy, and I thought that a curious thing. There was no way, placed in his position, I could have so easily accepted such a raw fate, just because another human (even one that I was related to) was okay.

    I started to realise that being a parent was defined by an odd sort of selflessness. An unselfishness I just didn’t have, and that the relationship between a parent and their kid was a genuinely unique one. And, maybe, as I lost one relationship to the great nothing, the closest I would ever find to it again would be from the other side of that equation as a dad to a son or daughter.

    So, when your grandad died, this experience, these conversations and this new wisdom got scooped up with the feelings of mortality that come along with a parent dying. Your mum was close to your grandad and she felt the same sense, and all of this stuff was smashed together to make us realise that it might be quite good if you were in our lives.

    In the weeks after your grandad died, me and your mum had that conversation: The one that cemented our decision to try for a baby. And, in that moment, we felt like we had called out to the universe.. and you, our Charlie, boarded a big, fuck-off, white egg, like Superman leaving his home planet, and you would crash land into our lives at your earliest convenience.

    It didn’t work that way. The universe was an un-cooperative shithead.

    It would be four years before you landed. Four years of disappointments and defeats, false starts and sometimes brutal sadness. And, your absence began to feel like a weight belt. But your mum is determined and I’m disney-optimistic and we didn’t give up.

    Like so many parents for whom having kids is not straightforward, every time we walked into the wood-chipper of disappointment, we walked out the other side, bloodied but determined to reassemble ourselves and keep going. With no guarantees, nothing like simple certainty.

    Then you happened. Your superman egg appeared on the radar. Faint at first, but a clear blip. We wouldn’t get carried away or get our hopes up, but it was there, blipping away, and as you got closer the blipping got stronger.

    And three months after you announced that you were on your way (in the beautifully, inauspicious guise of a smiley emoticon on a piss-covered plastic stick).. we saw you on a screen, and the moment that we saw your black and white feet and a grainy middle finger, it felt like something perfect.

    And it was.

    Dad x

  • Baby Changing Rooms… of Doom.

    …used a baby-changing room today (in a branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop). And it was horrific.

    Can anyone explain why they bother having these facilities, only to let the room become so filthy that a baddie from Scooby-Doo would think twice before having a shit in it?

    It is amazing how much a baby-changing room sign can mean to a parent when their infant has just detonated a level-9 in a packed shopping centre. This symbol is a beacon, a light guiding us to a place of refuge. A panic room. Baby Changing Rooms can be more than a place to change a nappy, they can be a room to retreat to and regroup. That’s the good ones.

    Unfortunately, the good ones are few and far between.. and the bad ones are a f*cking horror…
    You can normally tell, before you even open the door, by its grim handle and by the crooked sign above the entrance: “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”. And, as you open the door, there is a rumble of thunder and a dog howls plaintively in the distance.. Welcome to a cubicle of doom:

    A flickering strip-light overhead illuminates what appears to be a disused crack-house. If you are lucky there isn’t the chalk-line of a recent murder victim still visible on the stained floor. A floor that’s so sticky (with christ knows what) it sucks your shoe off as you walk in. You notice one of those “This facility was last checked by” sheets on the wall.. but its just a stone tablet hanging from an ancient cobweb. (“This facility was last checked by Pliny the Elder in 74AD”).

    And, cold, shivering and wary.. you approach the fold-down shelf thing..

    A shelf that appears to have been used by a tramp hosing off his balls. Its f*cking filthy. You wouldn’t euthanise a badger on this f*cking thing let alone change your baby. (Also, there always seems to be food crumbs in the hinges.. like you’d find in an oven door .. who the f*ck is feeding their baby on this??)
    Who hasn’t taken one look into a place like this and opted to change their baby somewhere more appropriate like the car, or a bench, or a derelict pig-shed.

    But sometimes you’re desperate. Sometimes there is no choice. And, so you place the most precious thing in your life onto a surface that has enough bacteria to wipe out France. And demand that your clueless infant not touch anything. As your baby, instead, decides that this is the appropriate time to start licking the walls and pawing everything in sight.

    The worst thing about the bad baby change rooms isn’t even the hygiene levels, or the fact that they look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s abandoned cellar. It is the fact that nothing is ever replenished. Everything is empty. The box of changing mat covers is empty, the soap dispenser just spits out dust, you are lucky to find water that’s running let alone hot.

    And, the design of these places is clearly the job of a f*cking idiot. Why is everything out of reach?? What is the point of having a big sign saying: “Don’t leave your baby on this surface unattended” if you are then going to place the soap, the bin, the sink and everything else precisely 12 inches out of arms length. The average arm span of a human is 5 feet 7 inches.. Just put everything within that f*cking range. Jesus.

    …Even, If you and your baby survive the ordeal of changing.. Then there is the nappy bin.. the throbbing, glowing, radioactive container in the corner of the room.. slowly cultivating the virus that f*cked everyone over in the film ‘Outbreak’. Obviously, the foot pedal doesn’t work so you have to use your hands to prise open the lid and close it quickly.. before the gas that is released has the same face-melting effect as opening the Ark of The Covenant had on the gestapo bloke from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    Baby Changing Rooms are supposed to make life easier for parents and on the whole they do. It reflects well on a society that it wants to soften a new parent’s day. There is no legal obligation to provide these rooms, so businesses obviously think that they are a good way of encouraging young families, with cash to spend, to come on in.

    ..So, why go to all the trouble of creating one and then make it as welcoming as Death’s arsehole?
    Answers on a wipe-clean postcard to the Sheffield branch of a well known, tax-dodging coffee shop.

    www.facebook.com/manversusba

  • Another day, another parent-friendly coffee shop…

    – Could I have a cup of hot water please? I just want to warm the baby’s food.

    – No. We can’t let you have a cup of hot water.

    – Really, why not?

    – It’s Health and Safety.

    – mm. But I’ve just bought 2 cups of tea from here and they were the same temperature as the Earth’s core.

    – And?

    – Well, the only difference between those cups of tea and a cup of hot water is that the tea cost £2.50 and its brown.

    – Sorry, we still can’t give you a cup of hot water. It’s Health and Safety. Can I get you anything else?

    – Yes, could I get another cup of tea please?

    – Certainly, How would you like it?

    – Er. I’ll take it with no milk, no sugar, and no teabag please.

    [*Blank expression*]
    – But, …that would be a cup of hot water.

    – Now you’re catching on.

    – We can’t serve you that.

    – Why not?

    -It’s Health and Safety.

    ….And, in the distance, over on table 12, a hungry baby wept bitterly.. as it realised that it had joined the human race and it was a race full of dead-eyed twonks.

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby

  • Tough week…

    Tough week. Charlie’s mum’s maternity leave ended. So the person in our house who prevents fires etc. returned to work.. Whilst I found myself looking after our little boy properly on my own..

    Its true to say that as Lyns walked out the door that first morning there was quite a few tears, sobbing, and protest-soiling.. but, in my defence, by lunchtime I had calmed down a bit.

    Anyway, to alleviate Lyns’ concerns about leaving Charlie in the care of a f*ckwit, I promised to keep in touch…

    www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

    Texts

  • Book Tour Dates 2017

    Thursday April 20th – SOLD OUT! The Man vs Baby Rave/Book Launch, Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield
    https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/man-vs-baby-rave-book-launch-party-tickets-32865483546?aff=es2

    Thursday April 27th – Sheffield Waterstones (Orchard Square) 7.00pm – 8.30pm – £3.00 incl glass of wine
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne/sheffield-orchard-square

    Wed 17 May, Chorleywood Bookstore, Chorleywood, – £8 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    http://chilternbookshops.co.uk/events/evening-scummy-mummies-matt-coyne

    Thurs 18 May, Reading Waterstones, Reading – £5 Tickets (with Scummy Mummies)
    https://www.waterstones.com/events/an-evening-with-matt-coyne-and-the-scummy-mummies/reading-broad-street

    Wednesday 14 June, Urmston Library, Manchester 7.30pm This is a free Wordfest event. Book online at Eventbrite, phone 0161 912 3189 or email libraries@trafford.gov.uk

    Saturday 16th September – Chiswick Book Festival, details to follow..